Venting Infinite Cycle

[SoulWhisperer]

I wanna cry so much, but my body physically doesn't ever cry unless I'm REALLY, REALLY feeling broken.

I opened school app and saw a shitton of tests, assignments, exams and whatnot. Just opening it made me lose all the will I had to live for the day. It was so demotivating to see so much, and know that every day is a struggle to live, to breath, while I endure daily abuse and exploiting and nobody knows, nobody cares. People "close to me" keep hurting me and I feel shitty everyday.

Trust me, feeling shitty for some hours or a day is a thing: feeling shitty ALL days ALL day is something else. It reaches a point where it is psychologically too much and I am trapped. I cannot escape abuse I cannot escape life. I can't run I can't put myself out of this miserably pitiful existence.

My plans are always the same but I am always the same, incapable of doing anything, living off prayers and wishing to cry all day due to the emotional distress I bear. Online all I do is vent, vent, vent, because it's the only thing I can do when my life itself is a trauma. I feel sorry for my friends who constantly have to deal with this side of me but I can't help it. And when I don't feel heard or understood I feel even worse.

I feel physically trapped in this situation and I see NO way out; I don't need fake or hollow hope, I need something to fucking change. But I know too damn well nothing will ever magically change. I am stupid, too stupid. I don't have a method so now when I feel more suicidal than usual I just be like "i wanna get ran over by a train in the station near me" because I don't have fucking anything.

I low-key don't wanna "disappoint" my friends by CTBing but as I said before death is not a choice for me but rather the last resort, and I'm running out of options with my life. My brain is a fucking mess, I don't have help and I can't help myself, what a funny trio of shit I have. My life is an eternal cycle of suffering.

Dropout? Not dropout? CTB? Not CTB? Wish? Not wish? I don't fucking know anymore.
Even just a natural disaster or calamity wiping me out of existence would be fine so I wouldn't have to go through the hassle of doing it myself.

If you are in a similar or worse situation I am sorry, I hope you won't end up trapped like me too.

 

[nothingspecial]

Dropout? Not dropout? CTB? Not CTB? Wish? Not wish? I don't fucking know anymore.

This exactly describes my life right now. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this, but I'm thankful that you posted this. It makes me feel less alone. I hate that you're suffering, but it's comforting to know that I'm not suffering alone.