sweetbraid
Member
- Apr 15, 2018
- 60
Today (or maybe yesterday) a very important person in Indigenous community died, a filmmaker. I'm also a filmmaker. I didn't know the guy, but I've found myself crying over his death on and off all day. I never shared one word with him. I find myself now thinking about killing myself, once again. and then that's leading me into the Indigenous suicide epidemic all over so-called canada. Part of it is that I really shouldn't be alive right now in the first place - i was beaten up so much when i was a child, I really don't know how I lived past age five. Like my father hit me in the head and shook me around, hard, starting when I was like 6 months old, it's a medical miracle I lived past age five. So here I am, seeing posts about this incredible man's death, wishing it was me that was dead, wondering if anyone would miss me, would even notice, my death. I don't have community, like, no-one fucking gives two shits about me. I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago and obvi it didn't work. I really don't think anyone in my life truly cares about me. And people tell me to just be my own community - but like, huh?? humans are social creatures, we're wired to survive through social experiences, it makes sense that lonely people dont thrive. And I go out of my way for people but no one goes out of their way for me. it doesnt make any sense that im alive. but i dont want to just be another native kid (i just turned 20 two days ago) who killed themselves... but then again, does it matter? i dont know what my goal is in posting this, tbqh i think i just want attention. thx for reading if you did ~~
