It feels like it did before.
When I first tried, back in May, I was at my absolute lowest. I had been planning it for a while, and then things just came to a boil and I had to go. I left home, left a note, sent messages to loved ones, delivered my will to my executor, got all the materials ready, got the hotel room, and had planned everything out. I chickened out in the afternoon, and I thought I would try again in the evening, but a friend showed up at the hotel with the police.
The second time was very different. There wasn't much planning at all. I had been through all the planning already. I was home, lying on the bed in my guest room, isolating myself from my husband. He wasn't talking to me anyway. I was at a lower point than I had ever been before and decided that this was the time. I couldn't take going any lower. But just before the final step, visions of my mom sobbing at my funeral stopped me in my tracks. I fell asleep. The moment had passed. I still wanted to end things, but the circumstances weren't as ideal anymore. And a few days later, my husband found the SN and flushed it.
It's been almost 5 months since that last attempt (which is when I decided to finally join SS, btw). It feels like it did back during the first attempt. I've been planning again. I got a new batch of SN. I just revised my will. Tomorrow, I plan on updating my notes. I have a new location picked out, and a new plan so that friends/police don't find me. My mom is here in the country this time, so I'll be able to actually give her a proper goodbye. My husband has resigned himself to hating me and is ready for me to leave. The pieces are coming together again. I'm readying myself.
I just really, really hope I can do it this time. The more I keep putting it off, the more I keep suffering. Why would I keep doing this to myself? Just end it already.
When I first tried, back in May, I was at my absolute lowest. I had been planning it for a while, and then things just came to a boil and I had to go. I left home, left a note, sent messages to loved ones, delivered my will to my executor, got all the materials ready, got the hotel room, and had planned everything out. I chickened out in the afternoon, and I thought I would try again in the evening, but a friend showed up at the hotel with the police.
The second time was very different. There wasn't much planning at all. I had been through all the planning already. I was home, lying on the bed in my guest room, isolating myself from my husband. He wasn't talking to me anyway. I was at a lower point than I had ever been before and decided that this was the time. I couldn't take going any lower. But just before the final step, visions of my mom sobbing at my funeral stopped me in my tracks. I fell asleep. The moment had passed. I still wanted to end things, but the circumstances weren't as ideal anymore. And a few days later, my husband found the SN and flushed it.
It's been almost 5 months since that last attempt (which is when I decided to finally join SS, btw). It feels like it did back during the first attempt. I've been planning again. I got a new batch of SN. I just revised my will. Tomorrow, I plan on updating my notes. I have a new location picked out, and a new plan so that friends/police don't find me. My mom is here in the country this time, so I'll be able to actually give her a proper goodbye. My husband has resigned himself to hating me and is ready for me to leave. The pieces are coming together again. I'm readying myself.
I just really, really hope I can do it this time. The more I keep putting it off, the more I keep suffering. Why would I keep doing this to myself? Just end it already.
