In my situation, would you push on living?

[iamdonewiththis]

I'm 36 yo, I remember depression since I'm 5 yo, coming and going. Always had shitty self esteem and low confidence.

Got prescribed antidepressants and stabilizers when I was 22, which helped, but for some reason I always stop taking them then I go off the rails. I was committed 3 times to psych wards, this February was my last one.

I also have genital herpes. I have only one friend, and my brothers and parents who love me but I don't feel much love at all, not for myself or other/from other people.

Even when I am stable and have my routine, nothing really interests me, I don't enjoy social gatherings much, I mostly keep quite in them.

I have some years of experience in software engineering and while it is nice, it doesn't excite me.

Currently I'm depressed after my latest manic episode, and I just can't sum up the strength to get back on my feet again, which means rent an apartment, furnish it, and get a job.

I just don't see the point. Feels like my life would be lonely and not enjoyable anyway, so other than the fear of dying, why stick around? what's the point?

My mind swings from "let's just CTB" to "But life could be great if you feel love, excitement and purpose" but then the reality kicks in that MY life never had and probably never will have love, excitement or purpose.

And of course there's also the looming threat that I'll have another episode and be hospitalized again.

 

[Takamagahara]

Everyone has different tolerances for different kinds and levels of stress.

If you're here, most people are pretty accepting of circumstances like these as valid reasons to CTB.

If you present these reasons to pro-lifers or any mainstream social media, you'll get a resounding "Keep going no matter what".

I'll only offer my own, personal line of thinking: If I were going to be happy, I would have reasons to believe it by now.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wouldn't personally wish to exist no matter what, I don't see existing as being desirable, it's always a personal decision deciding whether to continue or not but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[SVEN]

I suppose we just keep going on until, finally we just can't. I can only wish you the very best whatever you decide.

 

[TheMetalhead]

Struggling just because there's a tiny little chance to live a happy life; some may ask - why bother?
CTB is rather the easier way around. Not having a sole purpose to living, not being loved or not feeling affection is pretty bad.
I have people who love me, even though they don't show the affection, I have some friends that'd get sad had I CTB, but yeah, why bother?
I wish you good luck man, keep pushing if you think it's best for you, but had you gone the other way towards suicide, we understand.
At last I would like for every single one of us to reach peace, you included, friend.

 

[front of me]

I can't really judge

 

[sanction]

I'm 36 yo, I remember depression since I'm 5 yo, coming and going. Always had shitty self esteem and low confidence.

Got prescribed antidepressants and stabilizers when I was 22, which helped, but for some reason I always stop taking them then I go off the rails. I was committed 3 times to psych wards, this February was my last one.

I also have genital herpes. I have only one friend, and my brothers and parents who love me but I don't feel much love at all, not for myself or other/from other people.

Even when I am stable and have my routine, nothing really interests me, I don't enjoy social gatherings much, I mostly keep quite in them.

I have some years of experience in software engineering and while it is nice, it doesn't excite me.

Currently I'm depressed after my latest manic episode, and I just can't sum up the strength to get back on my feet again, which means rent an apartment, furnish it, and get a job.

I just don't see the point. Feels like my life would be lonely and not enjoyable anyway, so other than the fear of dying, why stick around? what's the point?

My mind swings from "let's just CTB" to "But life could be great if you feel love, excitement and purpose" but then the reality kicks in that MY life never had and probably never will have love, excitement or purpose.

And of course there's also the looming threat that I'll have another episode and be hospitalized again.

Hey buddy, just sent you a message. Feel free to check your inbox/ chat