Some people were called legends in this forum when they committed suicide. I spoke out against that. Because it glorifies suicide too much in my opinion. With going out like a hero I think of something else.
I am fed up with life. I think I have to wait until my parents are dead before I kill myself. And becoming acute suicidal, almost ctb, the stay in the acute suicidality clinic made my life and suffering only worse. So I just try to survive shortterm. College almost drove me to kill myself. I cannot return otherwise I am quickyl on the edge again. I have some money. In the future it will be a lot harder. But I don't have a choice anyway.
I dream about getting killed in an accident. Something that happens very quick and relatively painless. I have the feeling something bad will happen in the future with my body. I suspect there will be a major health crisis. Thus far I only had mental crises. As a teenager I always had this feeling. Some majorly bad will happen and I gonna die because of it. I thought I might puke blood one day because I live through so much pain. But instead I had a psychosis.
I notice I am in major stress like all the time with no break. I have a hiatus from college for one year. I developed major psychosomatic issues while studying because I took too much addictive emergeny medication inter alia benzos. I will name two psychosomatic issues extreme anxiety and an insane resting pulse. This can't be healthy. I lay in bed almost always every single day. I starve myself, I have low blood pressure, my blood tests are rather mediocre (I take supplements again).
My bet is I gonna have a stroke. Strokes are very common in my family. I often dream in my sleep about having a stroke because I feel massively intense internal pressure. In these dreams I feel like I am going to explode. And I have the feeling this symbolizes how I feel daily. My sorrows and worries overwhelm me. This will backfire one day. The thing is the psychosomatic issues might improve one day. In the past 2020 my major depression ended, I felt actually good. The first thing I planned to do was going to college again which wrecked my health in record speed. I hope I won't repeat this mistake again. I have the feeling these 5 semesters in collelge (I had to take a lot of benzos) were a once in a lifetime action. I don't think I will ever be able to pull this off again. It was totally insane. And it certainly was not worth it. I cannot work anyway. Dying because of a stroke or heart attack is not that likely. It is more likely I survive with major damage I don't need that. This is why I think it is important to monitor my somatic health issues.
I think I am going off-topic in this thread. I dream about ways to die so that I don't have to do it myself. In Germany there are many attacks with knifes. It is unlikely you get killed, you rather lose a lot of blood and it will be a hell of pain. Germany has strict weapon laws. It is unlikely there will be a shooting. And in many terror attacks there were cars used. And far more people got permanently injured than got killed in these terror attacks. I still thought what if a shooting happened. Could I tell the shooter please, please shoot me in the head? I had to emphasize it should be my head to increase the likelihood of lethality. I asked AI was there ever was a victim of a shooting who told the shooter to kill him. And actually there was. 2002 in Germany there was a shooting at a school. A couragous teacher identified the shooter, he knew him. Accidentally because of the chaos the shooter suddenly stood behind the teacher. The main target of the shooter were teachers because he got kicked out of the school. The teacher said "What you Robert? You are the shooter? What have a thought about all of that? The shooter had to reload his gun. The teacher said to the shooter. "Yes, you can also shoot me but you have to look me in the eyes while doing it." This seemingly irritated the shooter and he replied."Mr. Heise I think for today enough is enough." The teacher persuaded the shooter to speak with him in a room but he should take his gun with him. But the teacher tricked him and locked him inside the room. The shooter then killed himself.
The story is really insane. And I really look up to this teacher. But it gets tragic. The teacher got a lot of attention in the media and he added some elaboration which was probably made up. (The core of the story is true though). However, for the elaboration he got death threats, he was spit at on the streets, everyone hated him, they even made up theories he helped the shooter.
Before they questioned his narration he was looked at like the second Jesus Christ though. I still think it was pretty brave to confront the shooter. I don't think I could ever do something like that. I would rather freeze I assume. I am not sure which personality trait makes you do something like that. It feels like for doing something like that clinging to life might be detrimental. But even if I did something like that there are so many scenarios where this can backfire. You can survive getting shot permanently injured. The death can be very agonizing. In the scenario my words actually stopped the shooter this would a very good deed of mine. But it would also be selfish if my main goal was to die. What does the adoration of strangers actually mean? I think fame would be very bad for my mental health. And like in the example of this teacher fame can massively backfire. I could go to TV shows and tell a story how humble and selfless I was. But actually it would be a lie. It would probably feel shallow and fraudulent. I worry a lot about poverty. I don't need adoration of strangers I need money. I had to translate the adoration of strangers into money. But this would be massively hypocritical because they celebrate you for being so selfless. Maye doing a go fund me was the most honest thing. Writing a book could be funny but it would be full of fake humbleness. And actually if I wrote such a book, there is the risk someone identifies me with my account on here. Which would mean that the third Jesus Christ ends up as Satan 3.0 because he is part of a death cult according to the media. I could imagine the same thing that happened to this teacher would happen to me.
Another scenario: fighting in a war. There are foreigners who are fighting to defend Ukraine. In my opinion that's very honorable but never in my life would I do that. Foreign soldiers gets tortured even more excessively than Ukrainian soldiers by Russia as a chilling effect. All the fucking PTBS you can get from that. Ending up on the internet where people make fun of your excruciating death. No thanks.
I am fed up with life. I think I have to wait until my parents are dead before I kill myself. And becoming acute suicidal, almost ctb, the stay in the acute suicidality clinic made my life and suffering only worse. So I just try to survive shortterm. College almost drove me to kill myself. I cannot return otherwise I am quickyl on the edge again. I have some money. In the future it will be a lot harder. But I don't have a choice anyway.
I dream about getting killed in an accident. Something that happens very quick and relatively painless. I have the feeling something bad will happen in the future with my body. I suspect there will be a major health crisis. Thus far I only had mental crises. As a teenager I always had this feeling. Some majorly bad will happen and I gonna die because of it. I thought I might puke blood one day because I live through so much pain. But instead I had a psychosis.
I notice I am in major stress like all the time with no break. I have a hiatus from college for one year. I developed major psychosomatic issues while studying because I took too much addictive emergeny medication inter alia benzos. I will name two psychosomatic issues extreme anxiety and an insane resting pulse. This can't be healthy. I lay in bed almost always every single day. I starve myself, I have low blood pressure, my blood tests are rather mediocre (I take supplements again).
My bet is I gonna have a stroke. Strokes are very common in my family. I often dream in my sleep about having a stroke because I feel massively intense internal pressure. In these dreams I feel like I am going to explode. And I have the feeling this symbolizes how I feel daily. My sorrows and worries overwhelm me. This will backfire one day. The thing is the psychosomatic issues might improve one day. In the past 2020 my major depression ended, I felt actually good. The first thing I planned to do was going to college again which wrecked my health in record speed. I hope I won't repeat this mistake again. I have the feeling these 5 semesters in collelge (I had to take a lot of benzos) were a once in a lifetime action. I don't think I will ever be able to pull this off again. It was totally insane. And it certainly was not worth it. I cannot work anyway. Dying because of a stroke or heart attack is not that likely. It is more likely I survive with major damage I don't need that. This is why I think it is important to monitor my somatic health issues.
I think I am going off-topic in this thread. I dream about ways to die so that I don't have to do it myself. In Germany there are many attacks with knifes. It is unlikely you get killed, you rather lose a lot of blood and it will be a hell of pain. Germany has strict weapon laws. It is unlikely there will be a shooting. And in many terror attacks there were cars used. And far more people got permanently injured than got killed in these terror attacks. I still thought what if a shooting happened. Could I tell the shooter please, please shoot me in the head? I had to emphasize it should be my head to increase the likelihood of lethality. I asked AI was there ever was a victim of a shooting who told the shooter to kill him. And actually there was. 2002 in Germany there was a shooting at a school. A couragous teacher identified the shooter, he knew him. Accidentally because of the chaos the shooter suddenly stood behind the teacher. The main target of the shooter were teachers because he got kicked out of the school. The teacher said "What you Robert? You are the shooter? What have a thought about all of that? The shooter had to reload his gun. The teacher said to the shooter. "Yes, you can also shoot me but you have to look me in the eyes while doing it." This seemingly irritated the shooter and he replied."Mr. Heise I think for today enough is enough." The teacher persuaded the shooter to speak with him in a room but he should take his gun with him. But the teacher tricked him and locked him inside the room. The shooter then killed himself.
The story is really insane. And I really look up to this teacher. But it gets tragic. The teacher got a lot of attention in the media and he added some elaboration which was probably made up. (The core of the story is true though). However, for the elaboration he got death threats, he was spit at on the streets, everyone hated him, they even made up theories he helped the shooter.
Before they questioned his narration he was looked at like the second Jesus Christ though. I still think it was pretty brave to confront the shooter. I don't think I could ever do something like that. I would rather freeze I assume. I am not sure which personality trait makes you do something like that. It feels like for doing something like that clinging to life might be detrimental. But even if I did something like that there are so many scenarios where this can backfire. You can survive getting shot permanently injured. The death can be very agonizing. In the scenario my words actually stopped the shooter this would a very good deed of mine. But it would also be selfish if my main goal was to die. What does the adoration of strangers actually mean? I think fame would be very bad for my mental health. And like in the example of this teacher fame can massively backfire. I could go to TV shows and tell a story how humble and selfless I was. But actually it would be a lie. It would probably feel shallow and fraudulent. I worry a lot about poverty. I don't need adoration of strangers I need money. I had to translate the adoration of strangers into money. But this would be massively hypocritical because they celebrate you for being so selfless. Maye doing a go fund me was the most honest thing. Writing a book could be funny but it would be full of fake humbleness. And actually if I wrote such a book, there is the risk someone identifies me with my account on here. Which would mean that the third Jesus Christ ends up as Satan 3.0 because he is part of a death cult according to the media. I could imagine the same thing that happened to this teacher would happen to me.
Another scenario: fighting in a war. There are foreigners who are fighting to defend Ukraine. In my opinion that's very honorable but never in my life would I do that. Foreign soldiers gets tortured even more excessively than Ukrainian soldiers by Russia as a chilling effect. All the fucking PTBS you can get from that. Ending up on the internet where people make fun of your excruciating death. No thanks.
