I can't take it anymore. I feel as if I need help, but I am unwilling to seek it. I am a complete coward and failure when it comes to anything. I can't express emotions as I did before. Everything I do is fake. A fake smile, a fake laugh, fake interest, fake expressions, fake love. I have failed at every single thing in my life. I have failed as a brother, a son, a friend, a student, and failed at being myself. I have failed my parents and teachers, I can't do anything correct. I delay everything. I have projects and homework assignments that are due weeks ago, and I just don't do it. I refuse to do work and study. It's not even that I don't want to. I have just been too tired. Too unmotivated to do or complete anything. I don't do assignments and that leads to me disappointing everyone. I know it's completely my fault and stress builds up. At first it had been fine, but it's been 2 years now. I can't make up for the past. I had already failed them. The most important people to me. Having the people I treasure the most seeing me as a failure is too much. I believe that I am a burden to my family and no longer wish for them to carry the dishonor and shame I bring to them. I hadn't only failed them, but my friends also. I had used to be a social person, but overtime as I entered Highschool everything had changed for me. I had started to overthink everything. I didn't overthink things such as my clothes or school equipment, but I always overthought my actions. I had normally acted on impulse, but now I see that to be an awful act. I started to see everything I do as embarrassing. I had always cared for others in a way, even though they don't care about me. I wish to protect the people I call my friends, so I push them away. I do this to protect their own social life's. I had learned in the first months of Highschool that people truly dislike weird kids. I had never thought of myself as weird, but I can tell from the faces of others their true thoughts. But I mean I guess that hadn't really affected me anyway. No one texted me anyway unless they had questions about school work, homework or needed help for projects and studying. I was always unable to change myself to make others feel better. I know that as long as I am alive I will always bring misfortune to those I treasure, so I had decided to attempt suicide. I tried 9 times this year and they were all failures. I tried to slit my wrist many times but I am too much of a coward to commit. I had tried burning myself a couple times but that only led to burns. I was always unable to commit to that either. Someone once told me to go get help. Call a therapist they say. That's just fucking bullshit. Why would I pay someone to listen to my problems?! Or maybe go to the fucking guidance office. Fuck them too. They act like they care when in reality no one does. I won't be remembered anyway so what's the point?? I have 2 voices in my mind and it's driving me crazy I just can't. I don't want to stay here anymore. I don't want to disappoint anyone anymore. I am tired. I just want to leave now and make everyone's lives better. Please tell me alternative ways to kill myself.
I want to at least succeed at something that would make the people I love happy.
I want to at least succeed at something that would make the people I love happy.
