i'm tired of thinking or planning for my suicide. i just want to simply vanish from existence

[2disapearcompletely]

i'm so tired of thinking about suicide methods. I'm tired of planning for my suicide. I'm tired of researching the fatalityrate of different suicide methods, how long it would take to die, how painful it would be, if it takes too much time that I start to panic and regret it.. I'm tired of overthinking "what if I survive?".

I just want to disappear completely without having to think about it.

I want to simply vanish from existence. There would be no more pain, no more suffering, no more burdens, no more responsibilities, no more loneliness, no more alienation, no more humans, no more of having to live with my self and no more existence. Only pure freedom. Pure unfiltered freedom.

Life is a prison I was cast into without my will, but it is my will to leave.

I loathe and abhor my parents not for the suffering and torment they inflicted on me, but for bringing me into this world. I never was asked if I wanted to live or not or wether I wanted to be born.

I will be accused of being selfish for killing my self because it makes others sad but my family will just be sad for a week then get over it, but i had been suffering since birth with the curse of existence and I had been sad since i was a child. its completely unfair.
I have tried to end it all but i always get scared and back off because it would take too long for me to die or it would take too many steps and it would be too painful. i just want to be gone instantly, without even being able to think about it. i wish someone could just kill me and get me out of my misery unexpectedly.

 

[sevencolorfulmoths]

i feel that. if only there were a button that would make you instantly vanish..

 

[2disapearcompletely]

And here I am again. I was standing near the edge of the 19th floor of a high-rise building staring at the place of my demise just a couple months ago.
imagining how i am going to splatter to hundreds of pieces
and all my life was flashing in front of my eyes while I'm falling
i was overthinking the steps i need to do it and then i just backed off.
I cannot live and I cannot die. Am I in a prison?
I was asking my self I cannot die, but I cannot just merely exist for the sake of it. I need a reason to live. I cannot die therefore need to appreciate life and live it at its fullest for some reason. I tried to find the answers but the answers cannot be found.
I'm tired of existing between life and death, there should be only 2 choices. to live fully or either to die. and I choose the latter. the burdens of living do not justify it. its not worth it. to me.

I don't even hate life. i truly appreciate the beauty and mysteries of life. life is beautiful. life is truly a miracle. i love learning about the mysteries of life but i don't think that i'm meant to live it

and i cannot get my self to enjoy it enough to choose living over dying.

there's so many things i am deeply passionate about or i love that i would die over. and they did make me want to live a little bit longer.
and there's so many things to discover, there's many places to go, there's so many things to learn.
I'm a truly ambitious and visionary person, filled with so many dreams at heart,
i wanted to move abroad and forget about my old pitiful shameful life and identity, become the person I envisioned my self to be. study multiple degrees at my dream university, become a musician, publish books, produce films and all kinds of arts, meet like minded interesting people who appreciate me for who I am and just get away from this ugly prison society and country i am in, discover the beauty of the world not from a screen, and just be free and live life to the fullest, because after all i only have one life and there's nothing else to do but appreciate it at its maximum


but after all, i am just a sack of meat.
and its not really worth it for me anymore. what's the point of all of this? it would justify suffering for my goals and dreams in life if I wanted to exist but I do not want to.
freedom does not exist. life is simply a prison.
the purpose of life is not to be happy, the purpose of life is to simply be alive and I do not want to be alive.

 

[Gonk]

The second post of yours made your situation even more clear to me. Yes, I do think I understand the situation here. You are an idealist, right? Because I am, at least once I were an idealist, too.

I lost reason to live, at this point five years perhaps. Eh, in normal conditions, someone at least because they want to live anyways, the classic biological organism behavior. But I firmly rejected it, as it would be make another mamalian animal who is slave to his instincts. I try to make love meaningful, now I can't love anymore. I tried to justify my patriotism (which never was nationalism, more of progressive way to say "why shouldn't people of my country not deserve being part of contemporary civilization") in the end I was the fool and lost all of my belief to this country. I tried to justify my potential career path that would serve something but in the end, it is just stable job with prestige that turns cogs of capitalist engine. Now things I must do, are just burden. I would have to serve for a world I don't believe I can't change or simply become the version of myself I despise deeply that lives for only sake of living.

In a nutshell, things you said become empty, worthless things to pursue right? If so, I must be correct in my prediction.

Only question still remains: Is it still possible to live for the sake of living?

Also;

I will be accused of being selfish for killing my self because it makes others sad

I think those who really accuses people for doing it because they are/were considering it as well and couldn't accept it due to their ego or ideology.