I’m terrified

[ManyADreadfulNight]

That's insane to me I genuienly felt like a house pet when I was there, can't imagine how it felt for months. I guess they expect you to reflect?

probably? During shorter stays, I had meetings with doctors daily, even if they were just quick check-ins, but in places where the stays are measured in months, they meet with you weekly if you're lucky. Things move incredibly slowly there.

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

probably? During shorter stays, I had meetings with doctors daily, even if they were just quick check-ins, but in places where the stays are measured in months, they meet with you weekly if you're lucky. Things move incredibly slowly there.

They're just weird honestly…

 

[hopeisgone]

I relate to your struggle to follow through, I have also been at the point where everything is ready to go and prepared and I just sat there staring at it all day, from morning to night, arguing with myself in my head. Going to do it then stopping. Unable to follow through. I am at that point again now and still find myself struggling with overcoming SI. I have no idea how to do it. I have the perfect method and plan researched down to a T. I know it will work 100%, but I can't do it and I hate myself for it. I feel like I am the cause of my own continued suffering because I have a surefire way out and I can't bring myself to use it.

And also relate to the person who said they feel like they're "faking" their suicidality because they're still alive and haven't been able to follow through. I feel the same. Like, if it was that serious, why are you still here?? The "in between", that agonising place between life and death, being stuck there and unable to move towards either.... that is sometimes worse that the feeling of wanting to die. Being stuck in that place doesn't negate the intensity of the suicidal feelings. I guess that's hard for people to understand.

Interested in your experiences in the psych ward as I've heard so many conflicting reports, some people say it helped them. I was involuntarily sent to hospital but due to me strategically wording my answers, they gave me the option of going to psych or going home, and I chose to leave. Today I've been really close to going to the ED, but I'm terrified of them contacting my emergency contacts - i DO NOT want that to happen. I'm very isolated and have no one I'm really close to. So for them to contact someone I'm not even close to and tell them, that would be extremely uncomfortable and awkward for everyone involved and would definitely make my situation worse. I also don't want to answer their questions around access to methods and plans.

Anyway, relate to your struggle! I'm currently debating whether to have dinner because if I do then it takes the option off the table for another 8 hours since my method requires fasting. But I pretty much know I won't be able to follow through with it anyway so I might as well eat.

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

I relate to your struggle to follow through, I have also been at the point where everything is ready to go and prepared and I just sat there staring at it all day, from morning to night, arguing with myself in my head. Going to do it then stopping. Unable to follow through. I am at that point again now and still find myself struggling with overcoming SI. I have no idea how to do it. I have the perfect method and plan researched down to a T. I know it will work 100%, but I can't do it and I hate myself for it. I feel like I am the cause of my own continued suffering because I have a surefire way out and I can't bring myself to use it.

And also relate to the person who said they feel like they're "faking" their suicidality because they're still alive and haven't been able to follow through. I feel the same. Like, if it was that serious, why are you still here?? The "in between", that agonising place between life and death, being stuck there and unable to move towards either.... that is sometimes worse that the feeling of wanting to die. Being stuck in that place doesn't negate the intensity of the suicidal feelings. I guess that's hard for people to understand.

Interested in your experiences in the psych ward as I've heard so many conflicting reports, some people say it helped them. I was involuntarily sent to hospital but due to me strategically wording my answers, they gave me the option of going to psych or going home, and I chose to leave. Today I've been really close to going to the ED, but I'm terrified of them contacting my emergency contacts - i DO NOT want that to happen. I'm very isolated and have no one I'm really close to. So for them to contact someone I'm not even close to and tell them, that would be extremely uncomfortable and awkward for everyone involved and would definitely make my situation worse. I also don't want to answer their questions around access to methods and plans.

Anyway, relate to your struggle! I'm currently debating whether to have dinner because if I do then it takes the option off the table for another 8 hours since my method requires fasting. But I pretty much know I won't be able to follow through with it anyway so I might as well eat.

Yeah like holy shit, life as an option is horrible to think about for me. I'm not exaggerating when I say I feel a constant weight on my chest that rarely ever stops, perhaps that's the depression. Yet even with all of my suffering my body fights to stay alive. It feels like I'm just choosing to suffer and complain when I have what I need in my room. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow honestly I want to try again. I was fasting earlier then realized it had been over 8 hours, possibly 12, I would've probably failed the attempt because of that anyway. Being alive is just so painful it's not even funny.

 

[ManyADreadfulNight]

They're just weird honestly…

Yeppp.

I relate to your struggle to follow through, I have also been at the point where everything is ready to go and prepared and I just sat there staring at it all day, from morning to night, arguing with myself in my head. Going to do it then stopping. Unable to follow through. I am at that point again now and still find myself struggling with overcoming SI. I have no idea how to do it. I have the perfect method and plan researched down to a T. I know it will work 100%, but I can't do it and I hate myself for it. I feel like I am the cause of my own continued suffering because I have a surefire way out and I can't bring myself to use it.

And also relate to the person who said they feel like they're "faking" their suicidality because they're still alive and haven't been able to follow through. I feel the same. Like, if it was that serious, why are you still here?? The "in between", that agonising place between life and death, being stuck there and unable to move towards either.... that is sometimes worse that the feeling of wanting to die. Being stuck in that place doesn't negate the intensity of the suicidal feelings. I guess that's hard for people to understand.

Interested in your experiences in the psych ward as I've heard so many conflicting reports, some people say it helped them. I was involuntarily sent to hospital but due to me strategically wording my answers, they gave me the option of going to psych or going home, and I chose to leave. Today I've been really close to going to the ED, but I'm terrified of them contacting my emergency contacts - i DO NOT want that to happen. I'm very isolated and have no one I'm really close to. So for them to contact someone I'm not even close to and tell them, that would be extremely uncomfortable and awkward for everyone involved and would definitely make my situation worse. I also don't want to answer their questions around access to methods and plans.

Anyway, relate to your struggle! I'm currently debating whether to have dinner because if I do then it takes the option off the table for another 8 hours since my method requires fasting. But I pretty much know I won't be able to follow through with it anyway so I might as well eat.

Not sure where you're at, but they probably won't contact anyone without permission if you're an adult. I would say, if you've not tried a psych ward before, it's worth a shot.
I have a lot of conflicting feelings about those places, but my first few experiences were overall positive. If you don't want to tell them how far along you are in planning, or what materials you have, it's really easy to lie. Just come up with an answer for those questions and stick to it while you're there. A hospital will admit you even if you say you've not got a concrete plan yet and just feel unsafe.
Not outright advocating for lying to your doctors, but it's better to at least try so you know for certain that treatment like this isn't useful for you, and if the only way you're going to try it out is with that other option still open, I see it as a good compromise lol.
If you want specific stories about what my first intake was like, I can talk you through that asw. Feel free to DM me or we can chat here. [I initially put an analog smiley here but it auto-emojied it djdhhdjs]

 

[hopeisgone]

Yeah like holy shit, life as an option is horrible to think about for me. I'm not exaggerating when I say I feel a constant weight on my chest that rarely ever stops, perhaps that's the depression. Yet even with all of my suffering my body fights to stay alive. It feels like I'm just choosing to suffer and complain when I have what I need in my room. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow honestly I want to try again. I was fasting earlier then realized it had been over 8 hours, possibly 12, I would've probably failed the attempt because of that anyway. Being alive is just so painful it's not even funny.

I believe you, and feel the same. I really don't understand it either. People complete every day. It makes me wonder if there is a level of suffering that is more than what I'm feeling... is that why others can do it and I can't? Maybe what I think is already unbearable actually is not "bad" enough to override SI?? Maybe I need to get even worse, maybe there is a level of depression I'm not even aware of?? Even though what I'm feeling feels like the depths of it. Not saying that's the case for you. Just wondering out loud, trying to make sense of it. And yeah the "guilt" or self-blame that you are choosing to suffer.. it's brutal and just makes a fucked situation feel even worse..
I went to great lengths, expense, and risk to acquire my method. It was not impulsive, it was not easy, it was well-thought-out and planned, and done in secrecy. I was/am still very serious. All that planning and effort just to not be able to execute... i feel like i'm missing something.

Yeppp.

Not sure where you're at, but they probably won't contact anyone without permission if you're an adult. I would say, if you've not tried a psych ward before, it's worth a shot.
I have a lot of conflicting feelings about those places, but my first few experiences were overall positive. If you don't want to tell them how far along you are in planning, or what materials you have, it's really easy to lie. Just come up with an answer for those questions and stick to it while you're there. A hospital will admit you even if you say you've not got a concrete plan yet and just feel unsafe.
Not outright advocating for lying to your doctors, but it's better to at least try so you know for certain that treatment like this isn't useful for you, and if the only way you're going to try it out is with that other option still open, I see it as a good compromise lol.
If you want specific stories about what my first intake was like, I can talk you through that asw. Feel free to DM me or we can chat here. [I initially put an analog smiley here but it auto-emojied it djdhhdjs]

Thanks for the advice. From what I've read in my location, they should ask and try and get your consent to contact, but if you refuse, they still have the power to contact them without your consent if they believe it will help keep you safe. So that's what I'm scared about. The last time I was hospitalised I had more support people around me so it was ok for them to contact. This time I don't. Also last time I was honest with them that I had access to a method, but I refused to tell them what the method was, where it was etc. like i just didn't give them any details and said I didn't want to talk about that. They didn't like that, and it made me feel like I was being uncooperative but I was just trying to be as honest as I could without disclosing what I didn't want to. Cos they're gonna have to pry my method out of my cold dead hands (literally!) lol. So I wonder if I could just play it the same way. Or I guess come up with a lie like you suggest.

Yeah, I gotta say I'm curious about what its like in the ward. Part of me thinks its probably highly dependent on the staff/patients in that particular ward at that particular time/day/week. As you or someone said earlier, how is a depressed person supposed to get better when their only social contact are really out of control people. And that's not a judgement on those people. But you get what I mean.

Also I'm not sure about if they will hold me there involuntarily or even voluntarily, and for how long, am i allowed to leave and come back? and will they force me to take meds, and a whole bunch of questions. I'm not sure how to even find out. Perhaps I should try and do more research.
Thanks for the offer to DM though, I will keep that in mind!

 

[ManyADreadfulNight]

I believe you, and feel the same. I really don't understand it either. People complete every day. It makes me wonder if there is a level of suffering that is more than what I'm feeling... is that why others can do it and I can't? Maybe what I think is already unbearable actually is not "bad" enough to override SI?? Maybe I need to get even worse, maybe there is a level of depression I'm not even aware of?? Even though what I'm feeling feels like the depths of it. Not saying that's the case for you. Just wondering out loud, trying to make sense of it. And yeah the "guilt" or self-blame that you are choosing to suffer.. it's brutal and just makes a fucked situation feel even worse..
I went to great lengths, expense, and risk to acquire my method. It was not impulsive, it was not easy, it was well-thought-out and planned, and done in secrecy. I was/am still very serious. All that planning and effort just to not be able to execute... i feel like i'm missing something.

Thanks for the advice. From what I've read in my location, they should ask and try and get your consent to contact, but if you refuse, they still have the power to contact them without your consent if they believe it will help keep you safe. So that's what I'm scared about. The last time I was hospitalised I had more support people around me so it was ok for them to contact. This time I don't. Also last time I was honest with them that I had access to a method, but I refused to tell them what the method was, where it was etc. like i just didn't give them any details and said I didn't want to talk about that. They didn't like that, and it made me feel like I was being uncooperative but I was just trying to be as honest as I could without disclosing what I didn't want to. Cos they're gonna have to pry my method out of my cold dead hands (literally!) lol. So I wonder if I could just play it the same way. Or I guess come up with a lie like you suggest.

Yeah, I gotta say I'm curious about what its like in the ward. Part of me thinks its probably highly dependent on the staff/patients in that particular ward at that particular time/day/week. As you or someone said earlier, how is a depressed person supposed to get better when their only social contact are really out of control people. And that's not a judgement on those people. But you get what I mean.

Also I'm not sure about if they will hold me there involuntarily or even voluntarily, and for how long, am i allowed to leave and come back? and will they force me to take meds, and a whole bunch of questions. I'm not sure how to even find out. Perhaps I should try and do more research.
Thanks for the offer to DM though, I will keep that in mind!

Yeah, it will be quite different depending on where you end up. But a lot of things are pretty universal. There are a few "types" of psych wards, and I would say to do a little research about where you would specifically be sent. A lot of the smaller places are just units of a larger, multipurpose hospital. And I would say those are the best ones imo because they tend to have nicer, less jaded staff and shorter stays associated with them. Depending on where you live, some places can override medication refusal, but they only really tend to allow this for schizophrenic or life-saving meds (the laws do depend on where you live, but the medications they're allowed to override should be clearly listed somewhere). I have refused SSRIs, SNRIs, mood stabilisers and the like with no issues.

If you don't have a lot of social support right now, it won't change anything to go into the psych ward anyways, right? I'd say it's worth a shot. And the nurses and techs at smaller places often get to know you, so you'll have that support at least until you discharge. Plus, people who are deeply disconnected with reality don't stay at smaller psych wards very long, as they end up sent to longer-stay facilities, so you'll probably be able to relate more with the patients who are in there with you.

Usually if you want to be able to leave and come back, that's only a thing for long-term facilities or specific recovery programs like IOP or PHP, though, so unless you plan on being there for the long haul, I wouldn't plan on that.

If you don't let on that you're still suicidal (or, actively suicidal, you get out by saying you've stabilised and don't have plans to do anything), you should be able to stay in a smaller hospital for around a week before discharging instead of being sent somewhere larger. I usually have good experiences with smaller places, and it can be somewhat of a relief to have that excuse to be "safe" for a little while.

 

[hopeisgone]

Yeah, it will be quite different depending on where you end up. But a lot of things are pretty universal. There are a few "types" of psych wards, and I would say to do a little research about where you would specifically be sent. A lot of the smaller places are just units of a larger, multipurpose hospital. And I would say those are the best ones imo because they tend to have nicer, less jaded staff and shorter stays associated with them. Depending on where you live, some places can override medication refusal, but they only really tend to allow this for schizophrenic or life-saving meds (the laws do depend on where you live, but the medications they're allowed to override should be clearly listed somewhere). I have refused SSRIs, SNRIs, mood stabilisers and the like with no issues.

If you don't have a lot of social support right now, it won't change anything to go into the psych ward anyways, right? I'd say it's worth a shot. And the nurses and techs at smaller places often get to know you, so you'll have that support at least until you discharge. Plus, people who are deeply disconnected with reality don't stay at smaller psych wards very long, as they end up sent to longer-stay facilities, so you'll probably be able to relate more with the patients who are in there with you.

Usually if you want to be able to leave and come back, that's only a thing for long-term facilities or specific recovery programs like IOP or PHP, though, so unless you plan on being there for the long haul, I wouldn't plan on that.

If you don't let on that you're still suicidal (or, actively suicidal, you get out by saying you've stabilised and don't have plans to do anything), you should be able to stay in a smaller hospital for around a week before discharging instead of being sent somewhere larger. I usually have good experiences with smaller places, and it can be somewhat of a relief to have that excuse to be "safe" for a little while.

Wow thank you for all that really useful information! The place I was considering is a unit in a larger multipurpose hospital as you said. It's good to know they can't force meds (except in those extreme cases). I guess the only thing is that I do work 2-4 nights a week and it sounds like I wouldn't be able to leave for this. If not for that, I think I would go. I'm not familiar with the recovery programs you mentioned as I think we might be in different countries. But where I am there are short-term residential places (I have been in one before) that allow you to stay for 2-4 weeks and allow you to leave and come back for work/appointments. I actually called a mental health service today to try and see if that could be an option again but gave up after being on hold for 1.5 hrs. I might try again tomorrow.

It is also good to know that leaving could be easy enough... god it would SUCK to be sent somewhere else against your will with no way of leaving... terrifying. I am not very good at lying, hence the honesty around the methods question. But then I did end up lying at the hospital so that they wouldnt send me to the psych ward.

Yeah, the relief at being "safe" for a while is one of the things that came up for me today and why I made the call. In between the back-and-forth about living and dying. Perhaps the short-term resi would be the best bet for that given that I still need to work.

Thanks for being helpful, you're a wealth of info! 5mo in the ward, I can't imagine. Sorry it didn't end up helping you in the long run :(