I’m still here, idk why

[BlueButterfly111]

Idk if any of you guys remember me (probably not) or are still here when I was here. I feel so pathetic for this but I'm still alive, and at the moment I'm not sure why.

I made this account last December, so almost a year ago, and was fully intent on being dead by now. I had this whole really weird experience where I had to wait for Sn to arrive for like 5 months and I had ordered from DMC twice and it never showed up and then I ordered from another source and it took a month to arrive.

After I finally received the Sn I waited like 2 weeks because it was my mom's Birthday and then Mother's Day. By the time I was ready to die something happened that made me rethink my decision entirely, then I started having health issues, (still having them) then I started having an existential crisis.

If you look through my profile you'll probably see a bit of my story, but it's hard to explain it all but I'm still here, and I don't know why. I'm not happy, I'm very depressed and lonely. And I feel like it's a pathetic excuse why I'm not dead yet like I should be. Now I'm in this weird place where I think I'll just eventually do it impulsively, but that was not the plan, but now I can't just force myself to do it. I was going to make a goodbye post here and everything so I wouldn't be alone when I go, but now idk what I'm going to do, I might not make a goodbye post if or when I do it.

Yeah my Birthday is coming up soon, and I'm still here. I wanted to try to force myself do it a little bit after my birthday because I don't want to be alive for the Holidays, but at this point I have very little hope in myself to even do it anytime soon. It's pathetic. Idk why I'm still here, I just feel empty. I guess I'm making this post partly to check in, idk? Also not doing well at all but more just empty and numb then sad like I was when I first started this account. Hopefully I'll get bad enough to where I will just do it one day. This is just exhausting.

The Sn is just sitting in my closet now, smh.

 

[_Gollum_]

I remember you for what it's worth, and I had been wondering where you had gone. Many of us here, myself included, understand very well the feeling of still being here when by all means we should've been gone already. I feel like a cosmic mistake at this point, like the universe just forgot to kill me or something. I honestly preferred being actively, acutely suicidal with a plan and a specific date than this limbo that I'm in now. Suffering too much to live, but not suffering enough to die.

 

[lunar02102009]

Idk if any of you guys remember me (probably not) or are still here when I was here. I feel so pathetic for this but I'm still alive, and at the moment I'm not sure why.

I made this account last December, so almost a year ago, and was fully intent on being dead by now. I had this whole really weird experience where I had to wait for Sn to arrive for like 5 months and I had ordered from DMC twice and it never showed up and then I ordered from another source and it took a month to arrive.

After I finally received the Sn I waited like 2 weeks because it was my mom's Birthday and then Mother's Day. By the time I was ready to die something happened that made me rethink my decision entirely, then I started having health issues, (still having them) then I started having an existential crisis.

If you look through my profile you'll probably see a bit of my story, but it's hard to explain it all but I'm still here, and I don't know why. I'm not happy, I'm very depressed and lonely. And I feel like it's a pathetic excuse why I'm not dead yet like I should be. Now I'm in this weird place where I think I'll just eventually do it impulsively, but that was not the plan, but now I can't just force myself to do it. I was going to make a goodbye post here and everything so I wouldn't be alone when I go, but now idk what I'm going to do, I might not make a goodbye post if or when I do it.

Yeah my Birthday is coming up soon, and I'm still here. I wanted to try to force myself do it a little bit after my birthday because I don't want to be alive for the Holidays, but at this point I have very little hope in myself to even do it anytime soon. It's pathetic. Idk why I'm still here, I just feel empty. I guess I'm making this post partly to check in, idk? Also not doing well at all but more just empty and numb then sad like I was when I first started this account. Hopefully I'll get bad enough to where I will just do it one day. This is just exhausting.

The Sn is just sitting in my closet now, smh.

I know your situation all too well , its exactly like mine i wanna ctb so bad but i just cant force myself to do it i have already tried 3 attemps to ctb they didnt work now im just existing in solitude...alone i feel like i might just do it on impulse smoking does help this though.

 

[Namelesa]

I remember you, you are not at all pathetic for not still being alive. Life is so hard to escape from and there is so many things that stop us from suicide. Sorry you still suffering and especially assuming its from your grief from your dead boyfriend. I still greatly miss a previous partner of mine despite so much time passing and feeling like nothing will fill that void anymore so I understand.

 

[lunar02102009]

I remember you for what it's worth, and I had been wondering where you had gone. Many of us here, myself included, understand very well the feeling of still being here when by all means we should've been gone already. I feel like a cosmic mistake at this point, like the universe just forgot to kill me or something. I honestly preferred being actively, acutely suicidal with a plan and a specific date than this limbo that I'm in now. Suffering too much to live, but not suffering enough to die.

You just...i love the way you ended the last line "suffering to much to live , but not suffering enough to die" well in my case i personally feel like i am suffering enough to die but the universe wont let me and rather lets me be in this painful existance and suffering

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I remember you! sending hugs.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I remember you and also thought about you recently. I'm very much in the same boat and could relate to your posts since it involves the loss of your love.

You are not alone in this weird place, my anniversary is coming up in November. With everything that happened, I almost feel that I'll have to ctb more as opposed to wanting to like before. It's like I'm a dead person walking, with no energy but just going through the motions of existence.

Thanks for checking in, I hope you find some comfort in being here, like I do. Welcome back.