I'm So Fucking Scared

[lizzywizzy09]

I either have to plan my own death, get committed, or suffer in my unlivable body that is rapidly failing on me, not to mention my regrets that are utter agony. There are no other options. I am completely trapped and so overwhelmed to the point of being useless in even making my plans but know it's in my best interest to do so because I'm suffering so much. Someone please just talk to me. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[fleetingnight]

I don't think I have much advice, but if you'd feel better venting to someone, please feel free to DM me<3

 

[cowboypants]

Don't rush it. If you can't make your plans right now, do something else that distracts you, until you are in a clear headspace which will happen eventually

 

[lizzywizzy09]

Don't rush it. If you can't make your plans right now, do something else that distracts you, until you are in a clear headspace which will happen eventually

I totally understand. But part of it is that this truly feels like a now (or soon) or never situation where if I don't act soon, it will be out of my hands. I might be too declined mentally or physically this time in a year or two. Distractions worked for the last ten years or so but my problems have caught up. I just need to breathe, I know. But most people will never relate to this kind of trauma.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful and horrible what you go through but anyway I wish you the best, it's just so hellish how people suffer so much in this existence.

 

[youshallrideeternal]

I don't know if I have anything constructive to say, other than, I feel you, I sincerely do (my body is also a sack of useless crap that's decaying on me), and all I can do is send *virtual comfort hugs*. I would offer my DM but I'm a relatively new member who doesn't have access to that privilege yet, lol. But in the future, if the circumstances are still available, I'm here.

 

[Hystearical]

Same

 

[albstr1403]

I'm in the same boat as you sis

 

[thenamingofcats]

Don't rush into anything. Even if you're unable to ctb a year or two from now, it will likely be better than living with that situation and a botched ctb. I know we hear about people being randomly successful but the opposite happens too. Having a plan with a clear mind is imperative, if at all possible. If you get committed, or commit yourself, you will still be able ctb afterwards if you want. Planning ctb with a clear mind doesn't take that long (there aren't that many reliable methods) so if you can clear your mind you likely have more time than you think.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I love your username. And thanks for the response.

 

[attheend13]

I either have to plan my own death, get committed, or suffer in my unlivable body that is rapidly failing on me, not to mention my regrets that are utter agony. There are no other options. I am completely trapped and so overwhelmed to the point of being useless in even making my plans but know it's in my best interest to do so because I'm suffering so much. Someone please just talk to me. I don't know what to do anymore.

I wish that I had words that could help. I would give them gladly because I hear your deep pain and I get it. Every breath is agony. You said you are declining physically and may not have the control to CTB later on, and that's really hard. I'm so sorry that this life couldn't have offered you more. Why is it that some people thrive despite being genuinely terrible and some sweet souls are left to suffer in silence and what seems like indifference from the world? I can only say this; given the time issue, maybe sit down and carefully and methodically make a plan. Don't engage the feelings just make the plan as a task alone. Then take a step back and really think about it, let yourself feel it. I find the cold, rational, detached planning gives my mind a place to rest from the overwhelming pain and with a carefully thought out plan, it becomes easier. I tried to CTB many times but either got found, chickened out and got help or it simply failed. The next time will be the last and my plan will be clear. If there's one thing I want less than taking another breath, it's failing another CTB and having to see the angry disappointment in the faces of those I love.