Help IM SCARED I FUCKED UP A CHANCE TO LIVE!

[Crushed_Innocence]

I am in total devastation right now. I think I had a mini BPD blip in assessing this amazing man I met that I talked about in my last post. I talked to my therapist & told me that I needed to be fair & call him.

Well I did & he told me he thought I rejected him and that he had bought tickets to take me to a show the weekend I evaded him because I felt like he was playing me!

This guy made me feel so happy & good. I told him on our first date about my suicide attempt & that Im in therapy.

He still seemed accepting of me. He didnt have much time to talk but said he would call me back. I feel like the scum of the earth. Why do I have to have a disease which causes unconscious self-sabotage in relationships?

I want to text him apologies, ask him to please give another chance, offer to repay him for tickets...

I feel like if he really feels like Im worth a little extra effort, I would not CTB if he chose to stay in my life....

I feel like Im melting in my insides, anxiety & mood is heavy & I can't stop crying & calling myself a "stupid pathetic idiot" do yall think there is hope since he called back?

He is the best guy I ever dated. I feel condemned.... : (

 

[pole]

first off, sorry to hear about everything.

it sucks, cause i definitely understand such a situation. whenever people that truly and genuinly like us come along in life, we often times overlook and neglect them or push them away, because of our own insecurities. we tell ourselves, no one will love us and that we aren't loveable and so when an encounter with someone who does genuinly like us comes along, we don't think much of it and think the worst possible outcome which is they don't feel the same way or that it's too good to be true and there just messing around. it's far from you're fault, were broken.

having said that, some of us wish to have a significant other or someone special that can pick up the pieces and fix us who is broken, and make us whole again; and that aligns with how you're feeling right now.

imagine how he feels right now. he had the wrong judgement and thought you rejected him when you never did, and that whole time felt rejected and probably upset because of the way HE FELT ABOUT YOU. he felt some way about you, and that can't ever change. and even after you gave him that call, instead of not picking up and ignoring or putting you off and telling you otherwise, he accepted and acknowledged you're call and said he would call back!! that is far from terrible and holds a ton of hope.

for reassurance, like i said, he felt a type of way about you and bought those tickets and did all of those things because of his feelings towards you, the connection you guys shared on you're first date and the way you felt so good about letting out you're emotione and telling someone who makes you feel so great everything that's going on with you; all of that is special and it means something, AND IT HAPPENED. so if you need a way to find some hope and reassurance, look to remembering and reminding yourself of what you two felt and the connection you two shared in the time spent.

if it makes you feel any better, don't stop yourself from not texting him. perhaps drop a text in, where you tell him how much it's hurting you and eating you up alive; cause it only shows how much you care, and absolutely nothing can go wrong with that, it just shows how you feel about him and if anything, provides more reassurance on his part, with the type of person you are. it also allows you to release the emotions you're feeling. LET IT OUT. stop keeping it inside and text him how you feel. waiting for that call is gonna eat you up every single second and minute and a text definitely does no harm and goes a long way.

i really do feel like it'll work out, because of what i feel is a valuable and special connection both of you shared and the emotions and feelings you have between each other. if it was true, genuine and special, it WILL happen without a doubt. you felt something that made you feel amazing and good, don't forget that. i really hope it happens for you.

and when it does, i hope you make a long-ass thread in recovery updating us about how it happened and went down, and how much better everything is in life for you.

take care.

 

[Lostandfound7]

U still have a chance with him, love..he's apparently still interested in u so u can text/call n apologize for the confusion.

In the future, I wouldn't give so much info on a "first date". I never advise anyone open up too much that early,cuz it can scare potential suitors away..lol
But I really believe it's all good with the two of u..
Make sure u keep us posted with the good news

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Maybe, you could do something nice for him to show him you are sorry. I hope it works out for both of you.

 

[k75]

I totally understand how you're feeling, but judging by your description, it doesn't sound like you fucked it up. There was a misunderstanding on both sides, and I assume you let him know you weren't rejecting him? It's a good sign that he answered you.

I think it wouldn't hurt to send him a reassuring text and say sorry again for the miscommunication. But be careful after that. You don't want to come on too strong with excessive apologies, because a lot of people would become uncomfortable with that. Just let him know you had a great time and definitely are open to getting together again.

 

[Kirbster]

I honestly think the best thing to do is be completely honest with him— just as you were on this post. I may be naive, but honesty and communication is what creates a solid foundation for any relationship. If he accepts you as you are, then you know that you're solid. If he doesn't accept you, he wouldn't be able to handle you in the long run and would probably not be good for you. Maybe explain how your BPD can cause you to self-sabotage, but also explain how it doesn't necessarily reflect your true feelings. Maybe even tell him how you really appreciate him and want to be with him. Either way, take my advice with a grain of salt and know that I'm rooting for your happiness.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

first off, sorry to hear about everything.

it sucks, cause i definitely understand such a situation. whenever people that truly and genuinly like us come along in life, we often times overlook and neglect them or push them away, because of our own insecurities. we tell ourselves, no one will love us and that we aren't loveable and so when an encounter with someone who does genuinly like us comes along, we don't think much of it and think the worst possible outcome which is they don't feel the same way or that it's too good to be true and there just messing around. it's far from you're fault, were broken.

having said that, some of us wish to have a significant other or someone special that can pick up the pieces and fix us who is broken, and make us whole again; and that aligns with how you're feeling right now.

imagine how he feels right now. he had the wrong judgement and thought you rejected him when you never did, and that whole time felt rejected and probably upset because of the way HE FELT ABOUT YOU. he felt some way about you, and that can't ever change. and even after you gave him that call, instead of not picking up and ignoring or putting you off and telling you otherwise, he accepted and acknowledged you're call and said he would call back!! that is far from terrible and holds a ton of hope.

for reassurance, like i said, he felt a type of way about you and bought those tickets and did all of those things because of his feelings towards you, the connection you guys shared on you're first date and the way you felt so good about letting out you're emotione and telling someone who makes you feel so great everything that's going on with you; all of that is special and it means something, AND IT HAPPENED. so if you need a way to find some hope and reassurance, look to remembering and reminding yourself of what you two felt and the connection you two shared in the time spent.

if it makes you feel any better, don't stop yourself from not texting him. perhaps drop a text in, where you tell him how much it's hurting you and eating you up alive; cause it only shows how much you care, and absolutely nothing can go wrong with that, it just shows how you feel about him and if anything, provides more reassurance on his part, with the type of person you are. it also allows you to release the emotions you're feeling. LET IT OUT. stop keeping it inside and text him how you feel. waiting for that call is gonna eat you up every single second and minute and a text definitely does no harm and goes a long way.

i really do feel like it'll work out, because of what i feel is a valuable and special connection both of you shared and the emotions and feelings you have between each other. if it was true, genuine and special, it WILL happen without a doubt. you felt something that made you feel amazing and good, don't forget that. i really hope it happens for you.

and when it does, i hope you make a long-ass thread in recovery updating us about how it happened and went down, and how much better everything is in life for you.

take care.

Hasuuuuuuuu, my love. This reply to my thread is literally enough glue to hold me together till my emergency phone therapist appointment first thing in the morning..... I am so grateful for your words & I love SS, I don't know what Id do without you guys. I literally am living two lives. Each day I work on my CBT plan. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont take one more step to the bus. But I, COMPELLED BY AN OVERPOWERING NEED TO EXPERINCE "TRUE LOVE" am taking steps toward that everyday. And I told myself, whichever one wins out I will dedicate myself too.

Imagine how my belly & heart sank like the fucking TITANIC when this dude said HE BOUGHT TICKETS TO TAKE ME OUT and my ass was at home depressed & crying thinking he was out with girls prettier & more emotionally stable than me & he was just going to dump me anyway cause he secretly thought I was a whore cause I gave him oral on our third date....

Fucking wow.... I just sent him a long ass text just being honest about my feelings & a sincere apology......

I can now only cross my fingers & hope ....
I just want tou to know Hassuuuu.

You really came thru for your SS sister tonight... Im eternally in your debt

U still have a chance with him, love..he's apparently still interested in u so u can text/call n apologize for the confusion.

In the future, I wouldn't give so much info on a "first date". I never advise anyone open up too much that early,cuz it can scare potential suitors away..lol
But I really believe it's all good with the two of u..
Make sure u keep us posted with the good news

Thank you & I agree... typically I would never be so forthcoming on a first date but it was one of those seoulmate situations....I just felt so amazing with him.... he hugged me. When my earring fell out he put it back in for me. Ive never been treated this way by a man I like so IM TERRIFIED. I have little experince with men and dating.... I didnt expect to find someone who checks so many boxes on my list. In my past every sexy boy I ever liked rejected me so I realize I have deeper scars than i even realized...and of course how else you gonna know they are there till you meet someone that makes your heart beat fast!

 

[pole]

Hasuuuuuuuu, my love. This reply to my thread is literally enough glue to hold me together till my emergency phone therapist appointment first thing in the morning..... I am so grateful for your words & I love SS, I don't know what Id do without you guys. I literally am living two lives. Each day I work on my CBT plan. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont take one more step to the bus. But I, COMPELLED BY AN OVERPOWERING NEED TO EXPERINCE "TRUE LOVE" am taking steps toward that everyday. And I told myself, whichever one wins out I will dedicate myself too.

Imagine how my belly & heart sank like the fucking TITANIC when this dude said HE BOUGHT TICKETS TO TAKE ME OUT and my ass was at home depressed & crying thinking he was out with girls prettier & more emotionally stable than me & he was just going to dump me anyway cause he secretly thought I was a whore cause I gave him oral on our third date....

Fucking wow.... I just sent him a long ass text just being honest about my feelings & a sincere apology......

I can now only cross my fingers & hope ....
I just want tou to know Hassuuuu.

You really came thru for your SS sister tonight... Im eternally in your debt

Thank you & I agree... typically I would never be so forthcoming on a first date but it was one of those seoulmate situations....I just felt so amazing with him.... he hugged me. When my earring fell out he put it back in for me. Ive never been treated this way by a man I like so IM TERRIFIED. I have little experince with men and dating.... I didnt expect to find someone who checks so many boxes on my list. In my past every sexy boy I ever liked rejected me so I realize I have deeper scars than i even realized...and of course how else you gonna know they are there till you meet someone that makes your heart beat fast!

that's amazing to hear. you must've felt a huge weight off you're shoulders and felt a sigh of relief after you let it all out and sent the text.

i get that, it really is normal with many. you've been so down on yourself, truly believed that you didn't deserve these good things to happen to you, that when they finally did happen, it was all a shock to you, you were completely in disbelief because it's different from everything you tell yourself.

i really do hope that this works out, for the sake of you finding someone and sharing this feeling of "true love". but i also hope you someday have the strength to also accept and love yourself as well. alot of times, people get so caught up in wanting someone to love them; when the reason we need someone else to love us, is because that someone else provides us with the feeling of love that we can never experience ourselves because of our inability to love and accept ourselves, so we look and rely on others to fill this hole for us. i hope this changes over time for you, and with you're signficant other's help, you're able to love yourself again.

really happy that this stuff and talking about it has helped you in some sort of way. keep us updated!! take care.

 

[Life@23]

I totally understand u because I suffer from eupd & I am most of the time sabotage things specially if I think your going to get to me 1st so I'll get in there b4 you but what I have learnt over time is that there is different ways of coping with those feelings or urgencies it's just trying to figure what works for you