I'm rotting from the inside.

[paranous]

Everything feels fake. Everything I'm going to do in the future and everything I've done in the past is meaningless. I just spend time entertaining myself. This prevents me from worrying too much about some bad things, but when I'm depressed it rots me from the inside.
All the pain I have suffered and will suffer seems meaningless. It's like I'm frozen in space. Everything around me is meaningless and I'm going to freeze to death.
I know that these periods will pass and I'll be fine for a few months. But sometimes the depression is so heavy that sometimes I throw up. I'm sorry to bother you, I can't talk about these things with anyone in real life, this forum helps me to vent.

 

[KillingPain267]

You're welcome here. Some of us love reading vents like yours because it sounds so relatable. I'm currently a little better, but I know another deep despair episode will come eventually. The emotions I tried to suppress will burst. The good memories I have from a time when I was loved and had hope will surface when the weather gets sunnier and cheerier, reminding me of how good it was and how bad my life is now. It's a cruel joke: good memories hurting to think about. Also, when it gets lighter and birds sing, I'll get insomnia again. Then I will start drinking to just sleep, but the drinking will in turn also ruin sleep. So for my next episode of deep crying sorrow and insomnia I need to have a method ready. So I am currently buying SN and meto and some drugs to hide in a safety box. Knowing there's a way out is the only thing calming, and I can focus on mindless entertainment to pass the time.

 

[paranous]

You're welcome here. Some of us love reading vents like yours because it sounds so relatable. I' currently a little better, but I know another deep despair episode will come eventually. The emotions I tried to suppress will burst. The good memories I have from a time when I was loved and had hope will surface when the weather gets sunnier and cheerier. It's a cruel joke. Also, when it ets lighter and birds sing, I'll get insomnia again. Then I will start drinking to just sleep, but the drinking will in turn also ruin sleep. So for my next episode of deep crying sorrow and insomnia I need to have a method ready. So I am currently buying SN and meto and some drugs to hide in a safety box. Knowing there's a way out is the only thing calming, and I can focus on mindless entertainment to pass the time.

I have SN in my locker and the thought that I can do CTB at any time makes me so comfortable that I understand you very well. Thank you for your comment, you are very kind.

 

[StrawberryRed]

I'm so sorry things are getting this bad for you! I can relate to the throwing up, and the periods of happiness. There seems to be no point in trying to get better if the depression is just going to happen again and again. I also spend alot of time distracting myself with TV and social media, just so i dont have to think. I really hope you find an answer to your suffering!!! I am coming out of a depressive episode myself so its not as bad, but I remember how torturous it was and how I would've done anything to make it stop. It's an awful experience that nobody should go through. Lastly, nobody is bothered by your posting; if they were bothered they wouldnt read in the first place. There are so many people here who want to listen so no need to apologize.