Venting I'm not sure if I want to CBT

[think.like]

I hate my life. I hate my eating disorder, hate my chronic ilness that has no cure and the medication I take only keeps me alive, I hate that I feel like a failure no matter what I do, I hate that I always feel shitty because of my ilness, I hate that I can't stand my body no matter how hard I try, I hate having no hobbies and I hate that I don't see a reason to live. I want to CBT, I want to feel peace for once. My whole life is about my ilness, I even developed ed because of it. But something inside me screams not to do it, but it doesn't give me a reason. When I was a kid I always wanted to become a doctor and it screams that I have a potential to do it but I don't want to. I don't want to study for 6 years and be stressed 24/7. It screams i could be a baker but every time someone says anything bad about food I make I just want to hit my head on the wall. I'm scared of not-dying, I'm scared someone will find me and not only I will lose a chance to have peace but I'll lose all my potential too. I've worked so hard to be smart but I feel like I'm losing it all because of my illness. I'm scared I'll be even sicker because I have 2x chance to have a stroke and like a milion times more to have a lot of diffrent illnesses. I want it to get better but I would need to be cured and there's still no cure for this motherfucker

 

[Lamentice]

I get it. Just an example of how cruel & sadistic existence is. Being in a position where you don't want to die, but we can't control most aspects of life and sometimes it just decides for us.

 

[Always-in-trouble]

I get it. Just an example of how cruel & sadistic existence is. Being in a position where you don't want to die, but we can't control most aspects of life and sometimes it just decides for us.

Are we really in control of our body a lot of the time? I mean reflexes automatically protects you from sharp pains unless you expose yourself too many times. Feels like the same thing with SI.

 

[Lamentice]

Are we really in control of our body a lot of the time? I mean reflexes automatically protects you from sharp pains unless you expose yourself too many times. Feels like the same thing with SI.

We aren't even in control of our own brains. I think some very unusual individuals achieve insane control over body & mind after pretty much dedicating their entire life's to the practice due to religious/spiritual reasons; cutting themselves off from greater society & spending most their life just meditating. For the vast majority that is just completely unrealistic.

Humans don't understand why or what it means to have consciousness, but it does seem separate in some way from the brain & body. There are primal instincts we all have that our brains & bodies will follow even if it's in opposition to what our consciousness wants. Survival instinct is one of them, when I've delved into hanging I've found that the body will fight back independently after one passes out, people are found with severe claw marks at their own neck from their body trying to get out of the noose. A hanging can be a site of real struggle just from the body acting out survival instinct after consciousness is lost.

All to say, our control of our body & mind seems conditional, unless you're an outlier then instinct can override choice. That's why SI has to be considered in pretty much every method, the body will fight us. The mind will even fight us, which is baffling on its own cause we think our brain is us--the one choosing to die--and it still seems to be functioning on something separate from us when push comes to shove. The brain can even keep secrets from us without our consent, or give us hints toward information we shouldn't necessarily have access to. It's all very weird, just stuff humans don't understand [yet].

 

[Always-in-trouble]

We aren't even in control of our own brains. I think some very unusual individuals achieve insane control over body & mind after pretty much dedicating their entire life's to the practice due to religious/spiritual reasons; cutting themselves off from greater society & spending most their life just meditating. For the vast majority that is just completely unrealistic.

Humans don't understand why or what it means to have consciousness, but it does seem separate in some way from the brain & body. There are primal instincts we all have that our brains & bodies will follow even if it's in opposition to what our consciousness wants. Survival instinct is one of them, when I've delved into hanging I've found that the body will fight back independently after one passes out, people are found with severe claw marks at their own neck from their body trying to get out of the noose. A hanging can be a site of real struggle just from the body acting out survival instinct after consciousness is lost.

All to say, our control of our body & mind seems conditional, unless you're an outlier then instinct can override choice. That's why SI has to be considered in pretty much every method, the body will fight us. The mind will even fight us, which is baffling on its own cause we think our brain is us--the one choosing to die--and it still seems to be functioning on something separate from us when push comes to shove. The brain can even keep secrets from us without our consent, or give us hints toward information we shouldn't necessarily have access to. It's all very weird, just stuff humans don't understand [yet].

Defintely seems geared to only prioritse survival without any consideration for anything else. I wonder if those monks and other outliers have mutations that disable certain responses of the brain like some drugs and alcohol.

 

[Lamentice]

Defintely seems geared to only prioritse survival without any consideration for anything else. I wonder if those monks and other outliers have mutations that disable certain responses of the brain like some drugs and alcohol.

Could be, but then it's curious why they have to dedicate a lifetime to training themselves to have that kind of control/discipline if it's just an innate mutation their born with.