Venting Im not strong enough

[annxietty]

Im moving to another country with my sister and her family (a kid and her husband), its a country Ive lived in before, something Ive wanted for so long... To exit the hell I live in, to start a better life... But that was a year ago... A year ago everyone left me so I decided to stop living the little life I had, no psychologist, no psychiatrist, no help from my family, only me and my huge anxiety disorder, my agoraphobia and food... Then when I was deep in my mental health problems my sister came and told me to go live with her, problem is Im a broken version of myself, just the other day I went out with my mom and I suffered so much outside I genuinely thought I was gonna die, couldnt eat anything, riding the bus was painful asf and everything was fucking horrible even though I used to love going out with my mom and we ate in my favorite restaurant. My sister wants me to stop being agoraphobic so she is going to make me go outside a lot, and for long periods of time, I will have more responsabilities and start living like a normal human being... I have no medication, I suffer from strong anxiety 24/7 ,I have no help, and I know for sure Im going to suffer like Ive never suffered before... I will be leaving in two weeks and right now I only want to go back in time and not being born at all, nobody understands this shit, I dont want to die but I dont want to suffer... I have to be happy because people are doing me favours, I have to be grateful but why nobody helped me when I was begging for it?? Why do I have to suffer like this?? Fuck everyone, I want this to stop... My mom calls me but doesnt want to hear me complain, my sister calls me but I cant say anything because I have to be grateful, and my dad doesnt talk to me... I dont want to go outside... I CANT go outside, the other day was a confirmation...
Why the people that left me alone to rot is demanding me to be fine now? I hate everyone, myself, and my fucking body...
I really admire anyone that can live a "normal" life and has this type of emotions I have, I fear Im not strong like everyone...

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so awful and tiring what you are going through, I think it's certainly true that there's no real relief from suffering in this world. But anyway best wishes.

 

[90starve]

life is such a challenge - i struggle with going outside too. i can't imagine how brave id have to be to move country <3

i sense courage in you that you may not know you have. wishing you peace :)