I'm not doing well

[Some place nice]

I'm happy, at least I should be... I am most of the time and I know that my seasonal depression gets worse before it gets better but, it's getting really heavy now. I keep thinking about ctbing. I feel horrible for thinking it, but I can't help but to think of it. I don't want to worry my bf; they already deal with a lot, and I am the only thing that makes him happy. I don't want to hurt him but at the same time I don't want to live. I just wanna cry about it. I'm afraid that one day Imma attempt and will be successful and then he'll be all alone again and might even ctb. I fear of what I'll do to him if I succeed. My best friend isn't doing so well, and I almost lost them last night. I was begging them to let me help but all they said was to forget about them. they found out how I respond to people leaving me and I know they weren't in their right mind but all they said to me was that I was "stressing out too much." that still hurts, knowing that I was panicking and all I get is a cold shoulder. I've been just trying to stay out of my room all day to help me mentally but, I don't think it's working anymore. I get so depressed when my bf and I aren't on the phone or texting and the thing with my friend isn't helping. I wish I could just stop the world so I could catch up with everyone. I want to be happy, but I think everything that used to work isn't anymore, which means I'm about to hit rock bottom. I just want a hug, but my bf and two friends live so far away. I want to keep going but I feel like the floor is crumbling under my feet and at this point I'm just letting it happen. I'm tired of fighting and I don't have anyone that I can talk to anymore. I just want to die already but I want to stay alive for the people I love. I just want everyone to be good and happy, I don't care if I have to absorb all of their sadness and negativity, I just want them happy cus it'll help me be happier.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Sorry life has brought you here. Wish I could say something to help.
Life is just so horrible. I don't know how people do it.

 

[Dingusguy]

I feel bad for you, I couldn't imagine being in your situation, I hope your friend knows you panicked be cause you love them, and I hope you and your bf can end up feeling better one day soon.
No one deserves to feel so sad and broken to the point where they consider CTB but unfortunately a lot of people do. I sincerely hope you and your bf will be happy one day, that your friend also manages to find happiness or recover and that your thoughts won't plague you forever.
I wish you the best of luck in your life.