I'm less depressed and find it harder to be addicted to things now

[etherealgoddess]

I've always considered myself to be a very addictive person because basically I can (or would) sweep into something and forget about everything else if I'm in love with it. That would usually be a video game where I would literally nonstop play it for a week, just breaking to sleep and barely even eating. I had a lot of emotional trauma, so I was definitely playing video games a lot of the time to just forget about life responsibilities completely. I always love playing roleplay games and literally just trying to live a whole other life online.

Recently, I've been a lot more organized. My habits are literally getting stronger, it's so crazy... I was so exhausted last night, and my body literally felt uncomfortable until I would do my evening ritual, which means my body is starting to adapt to the habits! Usually, you can't do something you're not used to when you're tired (unless there's some danger), so yeah--that means it's working!! But I've overall been starting to do my work again. I'm a lot lighter on myself because I don't want to do something too challenging that isn't sustainable. I'm doing maybe about... hmm... maybe 6/10 of the work I want to be able to do at some point? I'm trying to slowly develop a habit of focusing on things I'm not so excited about so I can finally get my life together. My life is finally working. Oh my god. I cannot explain a better feeling. And I just know I'm healing and that it's going to be different. I would usually have these manias where I would feel like everything was doing well when I'd immediately try to fix everything overnight. It worked for like... two weeks max... followed by a massive depression because I feel so bad I failed again. But I've been actually going a lot slower on myself and just pushing myself to do a mini challenge. Literally just doing my morning routine and evening routine was a massive challenge, but over time I got used to it so that I could even start doing my work again. I literally cooked myself a meal today, which is so wild. I always feel this crazy perfectionism burning into me where it's like, "You could be hustling instead of doing cooking."

Also, I want to say that this process is not easy and I have a ton of advantages. I am in a privileged household. My mom also stopped being emotionally abusive. So once my mom stopped emotionally abusing me, it took me 2.5 years to finally recover because my nervous system is starting to come back to a functional state! It's definitely not normal because I can get really triggered, but since I've made sleep a priority and stopped using alarms, I can catch these retarded thoughts before I automatically think they're real.

I just want to say that there is hope!! (only if you know this message is for you--i'm not saying you have hope if you are an expert of your situation and know you don't have any and lots of love to you anyway)

 

[stillunemployed]

I am also less addictive, in the way that things that hooked me now hold absolutely no interest to me. I did manic obsessive game plays, like playing paradox games for whole days without sleeping. I did that a little more than a year ago.

Now that feels the most boring thing ever.

I don't drink, stopped smoking completely and eat very healthy foods now. I take regular showers and my teeth are so white they could block out the sun.
I take as much time as possible to be physically active, just pushing myself to truly insane degrees.

But honestly, I feel more depressed now.

Maybe it's because i'm older and just trying to make up for lost time.
Just still doing anything possible to take my mind off of my guttural existence.