Sigh.
I feel with you.
I've been in a similar situation a few years back.
Went to Mexico with a friend on a dream vacation. 2 weeks. Beautiful sunshine, beaches, great food, great company.
But all I could think of was how much I wanted to CTB.
That's what depression (and many other illnesses) do. They prevent you from enjoying even the most wonderful things. Many people don't understand how debilitating and depressing the illness itself is.
I get hives when someone suggests to "do something nice for yourself".
I just look at them and want to go off on a rant that "there is no such thing as "something nice" when you are unable to literally enjoy ANYTHING". No use. They won't get it.
Sigh.
Sending you hugs.
I am so sorry you are in so much pain.