Im going crazy

[annxietty]

So... Im going crazy... It drives me crazy how I cant do things that many people can do, how I disappoint everyone around me... Right now I dont trust no one, I think the world is filled with evil people that will laugh at me and will be mean, I have 0 self-esteem and its been like that for many many years but the fact that I cant go outside without feeling sick, that Im afraid of everything and everyone, is driving me crazy, I just cant handle this, and everyone expects me being a functional adult in 2 months. I want to cry, scream, show the despair I have inside me.
On top of this, right now, Im sick, I want to vomit after I eat (but cant vomit even if I try) and I have to go to the bathroom (to do number 2) a lot, those are things that give me anxiety because when I think about the possibility of throwing up outside my home, or having to do number 2 outside, I cant move myself to exit my house. I know this is very common for people with agoraphobia, which is kinda relieving because I thought I was alone.
With therapy, for a while, I could win this, if everything goes ok I will be starting therapy soon again but I wont be able to go for long. Im afraid I will have to deal with anxiety all my life, I dont want to live like this, I believe there are worse things than death.
(also why is lorazepam doing absolutely NOTHING to me? like it doesnt have any effect on me even if I take multiple at once... but it used to be very useful in the past...)

 

[Holu]

So... Im going crazy... It drives me crazy how I cant do things that many people can do, how I disappoint everyone around me... Right now I dont trust no one, I think the world is filled with evil people that will laugh at me and will be mean, I have 0 self-esteem and its been like that for many many years but the fact that I cant go outside without feeling sick, that Im afraid of everything and everyone, is driving me crazy, I just cant handle this, and everyone expects me being a functional adult in 2 months. I want to cry, scream, show the despair I have inside me.
On top of this, right now, Im sick, I want to vomit after I eat (but cant vomit even if I try) and I have to go to the bathroom (to do number 2) a lot, those are things that give me anxiety because when I think about the possibility of throwing up outside my home, or having to do number 2 outside, I cant move myself to exit my house. I know this is very common for people with agoraphobia, which is kinda relieving because I thought I was alone.
With therapy, for a while, I could win this, if everything goes ok I will be starting therapy soon again but I wont be able to go for long. Im afraid I will have to deal with anxiety all my life, I dont want to live like this, I believe there are worse things than death.
(also why is lorazepam doing absolutely NOTHING to me? like it doesnt have any effect on me even if I take multiple at once... but it used to be very useful in the past...)

Hi my scissor wielding friend. First I'll address your last question. As with all medication, its effects can become stagnant with repetitive use. Consider talking to your psychiatrist about this. Onto therapy, I'm very proud of you!!! Hopefully it works outtt.

As for your main question, honestly I feel horrible reading about your agoraphobia. Thankfully I never had to suffer such a curse. Still, I am pretty reserved and quite the homebody so a tiny fraction of me understands an even tinier fraction of what you're facing. The main issue with mental illness IMO is the disconnect people feel. A lot of people have felt sad, maybe depressed from things like heartbreak or loss. But fortunately for them it's never been so severe as to culminate into actual illness. As such, there's a disconnect is sympathy and empathy, since their idea of sadness well encapsulated a notion of recovery, so when they see you suffering they simply feel it can be fixed by so-n-so and immediately begin problem solving which typically does not help. You can try to express how you feel with your people, and hope it draws some connection, but ultimately nobody, not us or therapists will truly get what ur going thru. And for that all I can really say is I'm truly sorry.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really tiring and awful what you have to endure, I certainly believe that you cannot trust people in a world that is filled with so many cruel and insensitive humans. I really think that it's true that there is no real relief from suffering in this hellish world but anyway best wishes.

 

[annxietty]

Hi my scissor wielding friend. First I'll address your last question. As with all medication, its effects can become stagnant with repetitive use. Consider talking to your psychiatrist about this. Onto therapy, I'm very proud of you!!! Hopefully it works outtt.

As for your main question, honestly I feel horrible reading about your agoraphobia. Thankfully I never had to suffer such a curse. Still, I am pretty reserved and quite the homebody so a tiny fraction of me understands an even tinier fraction of what you're facing. The main issue with mental illness IMO is the disconnect people feel. A lot of people have felt sad, maybe depressed from things like heartbreak or loss. But fortunately for them it's never been so severe as to culminate into actual illness. As such, there's a disconnect is sympathy and empathy, since their idea of sadness well encapsulated a notion of recovery, so when they see you suffering they simply feel it can be fixed by so-n-so and immediately begin problem solving which typically does not help. You can try to express how you feel with your people, and hope it draws some connection, but ultimately nobody, not us or therapists will truly get what ur going thru. And for that all I can really say is I'm truly sorry.

Thank you for you message
What you say about meds is something I heard before, and it makes sense, but I just started taking Lorazepam after a long time without it and still doesnt have any effect on me, the same goes for trazodone... Is like my body is immune and I hate it, my mind cant relax... I only can see my psychiatrist in June, I will talk about it with her since only a professional can help me with this.
Agoraphobia really is horrible, and is hard to understand for many people, the look in my parents faces when I try to explain my feelings always breaks my heart, my mom even suggested a mental hospital which, seeing other people's experiences, Im never going to go, I refuse.
I really like reading you btw, since I feel you express your ideas very well. I agree with you.
Thank you again.

That sounds really tiring and awful what you have to endure, I certainly believe that you cannot trust people in a world that is filled with so many cruel and insensitive humans. I really think that it's true that there is no real relief from suffering in this hellish world but anyway best wishes.

Thank you, what you say is sadly what I been believing for quite some time. This really is tiring indeed.

 

[Holu]

Thank you for you message
What you say about meds is something I heard before, and it makes sense, but I just started taking Lorazepam after a long time without it and still doesnt have any effect on me, the same goes for trazodone... Is like my body is immune and I hate it, my mind cant relax... I only can see my psychiatrist in June, I will talk about it with her since only a professional can help me with this.
Agoraphobia really is horrible, and is hard to understand for many people, the look in my parents faces when I try to explain my feelings always breaks my heart, my mom even suggested a mental hospital which, seeing other people's experiences, Im never going to go, I refuse.
I really like reading you btw, since I feel you express your ideas very well. I agree with you.
Thank you again.

Thank you!!! That is very sweet. I will carry this compliment around for today hehe. Im sorry that the meds aren't going great, normally my meds stop working about 1-2 years after taking. I would send an email to your psychiatrist. It doesn't matter if it's an irregular time they are literally required to make time for you.

I hope your day is going somewhat kinda maybe okay. We are always here for u if it's not tho