Venting I'm Dying Cause He Didn't want me: So what?

[SinisterKid]

Its not taboo to me or most people who have responded to this thread. Its just another version of pain, which is all comparable. No validation required

If you have made peace with your decision and its what you truly believe to be the best course of action for YOU, then you know this place will support your choices all the way, you dont need me to tell you that.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Why is it so damned taboo to announce that one is going to kill themselves over lost love/relationship/rejection/unrequited love?

Out of all the thousands of pop songs and poems written and sung since man began to write, are on the topic of some version of "Baby Id die without you.." Clearly this is some sort of natural human response to the unique agony & angish relational disintergration causes... I just find it amusing. One would think that instead of all.the bullshit ass: "..He's not worth it..." "..Don't give away all your power to someone who doesn't give a shit about you..." Ugh. Why not? Motherfuckers have ctb over this for ages, it might be the #1 reason the bus delivers a soul from heart-torment every 40 fucking seconds. Don't fucking tell me he isn't worth it. OBVIOUSLY if my ass is going to die, in my heart and eyes he was. And is. This is me. This is MY truth. I do not want to live not being with this person. The DSM can diagnose me all day & night. I dont give a fuck. This is nothing rare, special or new. I am nothing more than human for my current condition and reason to leave this hellish place.

Every morning I wake up to another day that I was not chosen as his Queen for WHATEVER REASON, is a empty, worthless day. So fuck all these hypocrites who love to say: "..you should not let anyone define you, validate you...." Why not? I still haven't heard a reason that satisfys me other than being like this attracts abusers. But oh well to that too because my emotional deformity can't be operated on without destroying the entire creature. So I am going to destroy her.

I will not get revenge by living my best life. I will get peace by granting myself the best death. Giving mysrlf the gift of not having to wake up in the morning and not see him there.

Yes. I AM THAT GIRL. This is my truth. I wish I could replace him. I wish it was that easy. But I will die never having had a mutually loving relationship. And Staying for that reason only will increase my torment because I discovered at 40 that I want kids... I never did till I met him. I am ruined. Im not invincible. Another human being certainly can kill me emotionally, just like a mass shooter can take an innocent life, in the blink of an eye...

The dreams came back, the intrusive thoughts... Nothing can fill the lonliness. Stop telling me it can't be filled by another... it most certainly can... but when they leave... I die... Life for me was a boy. That trauma boy from last summer. Is taking to my grave. I go willingly. It feels right to die for this. Im sick of the shame. Im killing myself cause some asshole, amazing, beautiful, sick, fucked up, sexy, boy.... Didn't find me worth it. Im okay with that. Im so.tired and worn out.

May I ask you - obvs you do not have to answers but would you still feel the same if say therotically this person had got ill or had an accident and passed away- is it the loss of said person - or the rejection factor that is the most painful?- and knowing they are out there carrying on as normal etc?- where u happy before them? How would ur life had been & how would you hve felt if you had never met them in the first instance? Would you have held onto the hope that there was someone out there for you , someone that was right for you & deserving of you ?

 

[justanotherday]

I cant deny the truth of what your saying, your just trying to point out objetive facts. your so sweet. still i could never be happy being alone. And perhaps Im not as bad as I think..... But I still dont want to live here anymore without being bonded to a partner..... :( I loveyour reply tho..i am soooooo glad you found a way out and can be content.

thank you.this is the cold hard truth and i finally have accepted it. i am not obligated to stay and continue to participate.

see, that is the way I feel now about romantic relationships.... I now realize I am not obligated to continue and participate in them and all the drama and shit that goes with them. However, I believe with all my heart ,that it is your right to choose to ctb. I want to ctb for other reasons myself. I am just waiting for the right time... something to push me over the edge that I have been standing , and staring down at now for a long time now. I also realize just because I changed and feel the way I do now about relationships, does not mean I should not try to think I can change your mind, but yet I just wanted to tell you if I could change, maybe you could see your situation differently in time.
Believe me, I was a hard core believer in having the perfect"marriage or relationship" , that that stuff was so important. I changed. I now see all that for what it really is... basically a Hollywood fantasy.

 

[Chronicillness]

I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" reason to CTB, considering life is filled with suffering, you'll inevitably suffer more for something or another, likely much worse than a breakup or whatever happened to you. All I know is that I personally wish that I was just only dealing with a breakup or unrequited love and not the shit that I have to suffer through on a daily basis. I wanted to kill myself over a breakup once before, I eventually moved on. It's nothing compared to what I am going through now.

 

[Final Escape]

I completely relate with u, a broken heart has been enough to make me feel suicidal. I think it's a top dangerous trigger for me. It's easy to say wait it out and let yourself heal first because the pain is excruciating in the present. It's an indescribably terrible pain. I would say abortion grief is very close in what broken heart pain is like. It will just hit randomly.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

May I ask you - obvs you do not have to answers but would you still feel the same if say therotically this person had got ill or had an accident and passed away- is it the loss of said person - or the rejection factor that is the most painful?- and knowing they are out there carrying on as normal etc?- where u happy before them? How would ur life had been & how would you hve felt if you had never met them in the first instance? Would you have held onto the hope that there was someone out there for you , someone that was right for you & deserving of you ?

Very thoughtful questions Melting heart. The rejection factor is huge. i have asked myself the same things. If I found out that he died I probably would want to live--MAYBE.... But to know that it seemed like I could have been the one for him, but then it all went to shit and he found someone else is like unbearable. No I was not happy before I met him, and thus increased all the emotion when I met him.

If I had never met him I would not be on SS. I would be going out to give life one last shot with everything in me. This really broke me...in ways and places I didn't even know I had.

I wish I could hold out for that hope that one day-- This sad girl who has had nothing but struggle and sadness, and dissapointment, and poor choices and developmentally retarded, an emotional cripple from too much abuse and no love at all growing up------- that I could have the fairy tale? Why should I hold out for something so silly? Even if it is my hearts desire. I dont like thinking about it because true love is so compelling I would abandon my CTB plans for it in a heartbeat....

But I have no control over getting let down. I know this world to be a nasty, cruel place. Im so sad. I'm going to have to kill off a large part of me that loves to feel sunshine, but that pitted againt the part of me that is sick of having to go one more fucking day feeling sunshine all alone.

I'm just a failure in so many ways.... I wish it wasn'' t that way.

 

[Wayfaerer]

People are not worth living or dying for. "The one" is pure fantasy and people are a dime-a-dozen.

 

[The-end-is-here]

what if you will meet someone you fall in love with again? Do you think this is impossible? Not denying your pain or reason of suicide here. I just see perspective in your future, where for others I sometimes do not.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

what if you will meet someone you fall in love with again? Do you think this is impossible? Not denying your pain or reason of suicide here. I just see perspective in your future, where for others I sometimes do not.

Endishere.... why do you say there is perspective in my future? Im so done for. Washed up. If anything good was going to happen, it would have by now. Im 40 with nothing. All I have is a high school diploma, no skills hardly, I spent 40 years teying to barely survive & meet my basic needs & made a shitfest at doing so. I wish I could at least know what its like ONE TIME in my life to have sex with someone who genuinely cares about me & me about them... but it never happened. I hate myself. I got sick of this world. I always need to be something fucking impossible to get a need met.. More cute, pretty, confident, thinner, better booty, self esteem..this that... IM SO TIRED. I live in the most shallow place in the world. Maybe if I moved to South America or something... I live right around the corner of Hollywood, Los Angeles & Beverly Hills. I never stood a chance out here. Not with my childhood abuse, genetics, location, upbringing or Ethnicity. It all came together to ensure that at the end of a trajectory of dissapointment & misery that I die isolated & alone with Goddamned bag on my head in front of a anonymous unferground suicide form. From the moment I was born, being here on ss was my destiny. I will die with the fairy tale in my heart. It came so close last summer. Finally an attractive man that seemed eager to touch me fondly & not demand sex. But it was more sinister than i could have ever imagined.... I was like a level 1 player going up against a level 100 boss. I never stood a chance honey. Not in any of it. I am a casualty. How could anyone expect anything other than suicide from someone with my history and developmental damage? Why the torture to stay and sit a little longer on the sidelines watching normal people live life? All I ever wanted was to be a normal girl. Thats it. Regular shit. Boys, dates, mall, work, school, friends, hobbies, charity.... eventually marry & kids... sure there would be hardships... But I refuse to live everyday with almost none of my basic emotional needs met while I slave away serving the world only to come home to an empty house to cry myself to sleep.... im really ranting..sorry hun. I know you mean well. I can feel your concern and heart in your post.

 

[Life+me=error]

Love can't fool me.
A woman would never be the reason for me to CTB. Why would I do that knowing that their are other amazing woman out there. Sure a breakup hurts but with time a wound heals itself.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Love can't fool me.
A woman would never be the reason for me to CTB. Why would I do that knowing that their are other amazing woman out there. Sure a breakup hurts but with time a wound heals itself.

Im sure if any guys on here read this comment they will kick my ass but IMO its easier for men. Men can get women soooo easy cause we are emotional. Men can have lots of women, so many of us are easy, desperate.. even the beautiful ones... If i thought I could get a guy easy, i would not be on SS. I wish that was the case for me.... Some men say women have all the power cause we have the puss, but I say bullshit.. men have the power cause we want thier adoration & love... well a lot of us do anyways.... But yeah.... Im 40 never had proper relations with a guy ever but dozenz of bad experinces only.

 

[Mr2005]

Girlfriend thought she'd be alone until she met me. She'd also given up on the idea of having a baby but now wants one again. It's proving difficult because she's nearly 40 herself and overweight. Also because of how suicidal I am. I feel even worse if I think about what it would do to her

 

[FloraKilter]

Your situation seems like extreme limerence. If your unfamiliar with the term, look into it. There are resources and forums online you may find helpful. Limerence is an emotional or psychological state of desperately wanting to be with a particular person.

Most people experience limerence at some point. It's having an intense crush or a very painful breakup. But limerence resolves for most people in a matter or weeks or months. That's why we have cultural tropes about wanting to die for the one we love and we have the common "give it time" advice.

that advice doesn't work for everyone. Some of us experience really extreme, life ruining limerence. For some people these states last years and decades. it could be because our life experience has made us vulnerable to it, it could be the way our brains are wired. Probably both. It is agony. Furthermore there doesn't seem to be any medical treatment for extreme limerence. Psychiatrists don't know or don't take limerence seriously. With no options it's very understandable reason to want to ctb.

I've had two limerent episodes in my life that both lasted years.They both resulted in me cutting myself severely and excessively. The first one resulted in psychiatric hospitalization (which did nothing to help aside from stopping the cutting for a couple days) and the most recent episode was so destabilizing that I lost my job and ruined my career.

the only advice I have is to reframe your crush not as a person but as a malevolent presence in your mind. Like a Parasite that's trying to trick you into letting "him" stay and you have to do constant battle with it. I've heard it described as "fighting the limerbeast" in support forums. This has given me some relief. It also has nothing to do with "time heals all wounds" or "love yourself first" or "men aren't worth your energy" or whatever useless platitude gets tossed at limerents. None of those help. But proactively going to battle by reframing what this man is in your mind can.

Or not. I think about ctb a lot due to my ruined body and ruined career— and I still slip into longing for my most recent limerent object (crush) 5 years later. Sometimes we lose the battle. I want nothing more than relief from this pain for you. However you need to get it.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Very thoughtful questions Melting heart. The rejection factor is huge. i have asked myself the same things. If I found out that he died I probably would want to live--MAYBE.... But to know that it seemed like I could have been the one for him, but then it all went to shit and he found someone else is like unbearable. No I was not happy before I met him, and thus increased all the emotion when I met him.

If I had never met him I would not be on SS. I would be going out to give life one last shot with everything in me. This really broke me...in ways and places I didn't even know I had.

I wish I could hold out for that hope that one day-- This sad girl who has had nothing but struggle and sadness, and dissapointment, and poor choices and developmentally retarded, an emotional cripple from too much abuse and no love at all growing up------- that I could have the fairy tale? Why should I hold out for something so silly? Even if it is my hearts desire. I dont like thinking about it because true love is so compelling I would abandon my CTB plans for it in a heartbeat....

But I have no control over getting let down. I know this world to be a nasty, cruel place. Im so sad. I'm going to have to kill off a large part of me that loves to feel sunshine, but that pitted againt the part of me that is sick of having to go one more fucking day feeling sunshine all alone.

I'm just a failure in so many ways.... I wish it wasn'' t that way.

I do understand to an extent as I am also in this state atleast in part (a large part) due to a breakdown of a relationship- or rather what being in that relationship did to me-partly of course it is my fault for staying, but I only realised all the issues retrospectively when it was too late & the damage had been done, I did not have the insight of what was occcuring in the realtionship to recognise it was emotionally damaging me - this is like you due to how I was treated when I was growing up & just accepting being treated a certain way- until it was too late and i was totally broken down- before him I was lonely for sure-but also vaguely happy and atleast felt strong and good about myself for the first time in years-but it managed to shatter my very fragile sense self worth, and self belief and made me question everything about myself-what I liked, who I was, my friends etc, had I not met him I think I either would have stayed a little lonely but actually still prettty happy in myself or I would not have wasted so many years-in a character assinating situtation-I might have had the chance to meet someone else- so I am not mourning the loss of him as such- more the person I was before him- and perhaps that I could have been with someone else that would have been much better than me-but now im just toobroken & cant even imagine being with another man ever again- I too believed in true love & and hoped for a contented, happy (atleast some of the time!) relationship that had a future- but I feel he has destroyed my chance of that. What I dont understand is why he didnt break up with my sooner -as he criticised, put me down, gas lighted me ALL the time-which of course I just accepted at the time-I was foolish! but it shows he obvs, wasnt happy with me or he enjoyed the power,either way I just wish really wish he had broken up with sooner- because I didnt have the emotional strength,insight and resilience to walk away from him AS soon as problems started to arise. I was too desperate to believe a realtionship/ he was the answear to my happiness- when all along it was the exact opposite- he broke me down and destroyed my otherwise happy nature. - woah that was long-prob no one gonna read all that-which is fine, ha!

 

[Rachel74]

I agree. If I was 20, then yeah------------ Somebody would need to slap some sense into me. But i'm 40, and even though thats not super old. For ME, it too old to start what I really wanted to have: A full life. A career, partner, kids...... I am BEYOND devastated. And your right, after the aftermath subsided, I felt better and had the chance to move on. But I chose not to. He really was my last and only chance. I could never have all the circumstances and elements line up they way they did. And I always would be searching for him in someone else. I would never accpet anything less than his identical twin. i think its sad that these things happen in the pshyche of some of us human beings- But it does. I have been primed for this since I was born to a pshycopath mother and lived in 25 institutions before I was 18. I never had a chance anyway. I should have ctb way before now. Its been a year. Probably not long enough. Since my first attmept was 3 months after. He was the straw the broke the camels back.... But yes. I agree with your assessment. But I dont see my future as anything but a consolation prize.

Im so sorry to hear that. Must have made you feel like shit. Because we cant control wether or not we have illness. Did things get better? Are not no longer ctb active?

Thank you gurl. I know you do. :)

We are working it out but he honestly thinks I can get better and I know I can't. Sweet of him to stay with me but I said if it's out of pity I'd rather me alone. He said it's because I love you. I don't like you at times but I know the nice Rachel is in there. At the mo I've not intention of CTB as my crisis team are starting a new drug regime and sending me on respite (loon camp) it's that or end up being sectioned. I have the means to CTB very easily and that scares the shit out of me as my erratic thoughts are getting stronger. If I could just sleep for a few weeks then I'd feel better.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

T

Your situation seems like extreme limerence. If your unfamiliar with the term, look into it. There are resources and forums online you may find helpful. Limerence is an emotional or psychological state of desperately wanting to be with a particular person.

Most people experience limerence at some point. It's having an intense crush or a very painful breakup. But limerence resolves for most people in a matter or weeks or months. That's why we have cultural tropes about wanting to die for the one we love and we have the common "give it time" advice.

that advice doesn't work for everyone. Some of us experience really extreme, life ruining limerence. For some people these states last years and decades. it could be because our life experience has made us vulnerable to it, it could be the way our brains are wired. Probably both. It is agony. Furthermore there doesn't seem to be any medical treatment for extreme limerence. Psychiatrists don't know or don't take limerence seriously. With no options it's very understandable reason to want to ctb.

I've had two limerent episodes in my life that both lasted years.They both resulted in me cutting myself severely and excessively. The first one resulted in psychiatric hospitalization (which did nothing to help aside from stopping the cutting for a couple days) and the most recent episode was so destabilizing that I lost my job and ruined my career.

the only advice I have is to reframe your crush not as a person but as a malevolent presence in your mind. Like a Parasite that's trying to trick you into letting "him" stay and you have to do constant battle with it. I've heard it described as "fighting the limerbeast" in support forums. This has given me some relief. It also has nothing to do with "time heals all wounds" or "love yourself first" or "men aren't worth your energy" or whatever useless platitude gets tossed at limerents. None of those help. But proactively going to battle by reframing what this man is in your mind can.

Or not. I think about ctb a lot due to my ruined body and ruined career— and I still slip into longing for my most recent limerent object (crush) 5 years later. Sometimes we lose the battle. I want nothing more than relief from this pain for you. However you need to get it.

Thank you for your wish that my suffering be over. The diagnosing phase has ended. I don't care about the cause or cure. The only cure I would accept is a happy life RIGHT NOW. I am aware that at this point its irrational & foolish. But he was the straw the broke the camels back. I was hanging by a thread when I met him, I was unaware of how thin till the shit hit the fan. Sooooo, ctb is my choice for complete relief. I hope you find your relief in whatever way you find best.

 

[Final Escape]

Crushed innocence do u live in a big city? If u are 40 in a bigger city then it's not hopeless. In a small town it would be brutal because everyone settles down quick and the best partners are snatched up early. Basically there's very limited options for potential mates in a smaller city or town. I left the small town and the options definitely improved.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I do understand to an extent as I am also in this state atleast in part (a large part) due to a breakdown of a relationship- or rather what being in that relationship did to me-partly of course it is my fault for staying, but I only realised all the issues retrospectively when it was too late & the damage had been done, I did not have the insight of what was occcuring in the realtionship to recognise it was emotionally damaging me - this is like you due to how I was treated when I was growing up & just accepting being treated a certain way- until it was too late and i was totally broken down- before him I was lonely for sure-but also vaguely happy and atleast felt strong and good about myself for the first time in years-but it managed to shatter my very fragile sense self worth, and self belief and made me question everything about myself-what I liked, who I was, my friends etc, had I not met him I think I either would have stayed a little lonely but actually still prettty happy in myself or I would not have wasted so many years-in a character assinating situtation-I might have had the chance to meet someone else- so I am not mourning the loss of him as such- more the person I was before him- and perhaps that I could have been with someone else that would have been much better than me-but now im just toobroken & cant even imagine being with another man ever again- I too believed in true love & and hoped for a contented, happy (atleast some of the time!) relationship that had a future- but I feel he has destroyed my chance of that. What I dont understand is why he didnt break up with my sooner -as he criticised, put me down, gas lighted me ALL the time-which of course I just accepted at the time-I was foolish! but it shows he obvs, wasnt happy with me or he enjoyed the power,either way I just wish really wish he had broken up with sooner- because I didnt have the emotional strength,insight and resilience to walk away from him AS soon as problems started to arise. I was too desperate to believe a realtionship/ he was the answear to my happiness- when all along it was the exact opposite- he broke me down and destroyed my otherwise happy nature. - woah that was long-prob no one gonna read all that-which is fine, ha!

I read it. Sounds exactly like my story only

Crushed innocence do u live in a big city? If u are 40 in a bigger city then it's not hopeless. In a small town it would be brutal because everyone settles down quick and the best partners are snatched up early.

I am in one of the biggest most popular cities in the world. But also the most shallow. And after 40 years of continual nonstop failure with men, Im certain its me. Even when Ive travelled the same thing happens, even when I tried to date in a foreign country. Nothing but users. Its okay. Im relationally broken. Im messed up. Im.not emotionally attractive to men. It wont matter where I go. This last thing took me down cause it was the first time someone I found attractive actually found me attractive. I cannot say how infuriating it is to never feel like you have the option to have sex with someone who actually turns you on. I ve had to either go without or feel didgusted by forcing myself to just to feel like I was female. All just horrible. Ive got to get out of here.

 

[NotMeant2B]

Im sure if any guys on here read this comment they will kick my ass but IMO its easier for men. Men can get women soooo easy cause we are emotional. Men can have lots of women, so many of us are easy, desperate.. even the beautiful ones... If i thought I could get a guy easy, i would not be on SS. I wish that was the case for me.... Some men say women have all the power cause we have the puss, but I say bullshit.. men have the power cause we want thier adoration & love... well a lot of us do anyways.... But yeah.... Im 40 never had proper relations with a guy ever but dozenz of bad experinces only.

I am in complete disbelief! I thought I would never see the other side of the coin. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to invalidate your point at all, I'm just want to interchange our points of view.
I think I get what you're trying to say (hopefully): I think what you're saying is that any man can (eventually) make any woman fall in love by being emotionally supportive and romantic (I'm somehow simplifying to avoid a very long post).
If I got it right, then my response is that:

1. Insecurities on men can annihilate every intention of getting close to women. Even more so considering the competition that is present out there; and that in some cases (like myself), some guys feel like they're being constantly judged by girls.
2. Such mindset is what some people may flag as toxic: the belief that being nice is the exchange currency for a romantic relationship.

What I understand is that there has to be some grade of affinity or common interests between both parts before they decide to date. Also, I agree with you when you say that women can't interchange sex for love. I personally think that most men will accept the offering without being sentimentally involved (in my case, love has to come first). But also I think that is more likely for women to be approached by men that the other way around, and therefore more likely to end up in a relationship (and I know that the guy has yet to be proven to not be an asshole in that matter). In my conclusion, insecure women date more than insecure men. As a counterpart, it is possible that "ugly" men date more than "ugly" women.

For me and perhaps a great number of insecure people, the pain of being rejected or the fear of a failed relationship, makes taking the first step not worth it. But sometimes the sentiment could be *that* strong as to overcome the fear. I think we all need some of that.

I send you a warm hug.


EDIT: Corrected some words, as english is not my first language.

 

[Final Escape]

I read it. Sounds exactly like my story only

I am in one of the biggest most popular cities in the world. But also the most shallow. And after 40 years of continual nonstop failure with men, Im certain its me. Even when Ive travelled the same thing happens, even when I tried to date in a foreign country. Nothing but users. Its okay. Im relationally broken. Im messed up. Im.not emotionally attractive to men. It wont matter where I go. This last thing took me down cause it was the first time someone I found attractive actually found me attractive. I cannot say how infuriating it is to never feel like you have the option to have sex with someone who actually turns you on. I ve had to either go without or feel didgusted by forcing myself to just to feel like I was female. All just horrible. Ive got to get out of here.

I don't think it's just you that has failed, it's that our culture doesn't educate men and women about differences between the sexes. If you keep making the same mistakes, then it's easy to fail in relationships. Men and women are designed to behave differently to compliment each other but there are rules that u have to abide by to be more attractive to the opposite sex. If u can learn how the game works then u will have more success. Not like a game that is frustrating or having to play games. There's just certain fixed ways of behaving that are appealing to men and women that u have to adhere to. There are certain mistakes u can't make early on and if u do make a mistake u have to know how to pull the other person back instead of pushing them away further.

 

[justanotherday]

People are not worth living or dying for. "The one" is pure fantasy and people are a dime-a-dozen.

Right.... " the one" or " soulmate", ... the perfect relationship or marriage with the white Pickett fence thing... it is all a fantasy.

Right.... " the one" or " soulmate", ... the perfect relationship or marriage with the white Pickett fence thing... it is all a fantasy.

And, most of us never have that. Most of us have divorces, cheating... breakups, ect....

 

[Sharethepain]

It might just be my obssesion and warped mindset speaking, but I feel that if you are able to let go you didn't really love them, at least not enough. They did not mean enough to you to go through the hell, it was easier to let go because they weren't worth the pain for you.

I cannot comprehend how people can move on, the way I see it, once you declare your love to someone that's it, there is never anyone else.

 

[lotus11]

I feel you 110 percent. I found the boy who I feel is my soulmate a few years ago, but earlier this year we broke up. Largely due to the fact that I have a 10 year long eating disorder I can't seem to be able to fix, along with other problems in my life. Him...on the other hand, is always successful, healthy and strong. Like you people tell me to 'get over it, move on, find someone else, live my life' but despite having a busy life I feel an energy and connection to this human that I have never felt with another soul on this earth. It has been around 8 months since the beak up now, trying to 'live my life' and 'move on', but like yourself underneath I only feel devastation and exhaustion. I wish for death to end the pain.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I feel you 110 percent. I found the boy who I feel is my soulmate a few years ago, but earlier this year we broke up. Largely due to the fact that I have a 10 year long eating disorder I can't seem to be able to fix, along with other problems in my life. Him...on the other hand, is always successful, healthy and strong. Like you people tell me to 'get over it, move on, find someone else, live my life' but despite having a busy life I feel an energy and connection to this human that I have never felt with another soul on this earth. It has been around 8 months since the beak up now, trying to 'live my life' and 'move on', but like yourself underneath I only feel devastation and exhaustion. I wish for death to end the pain.

I believe this is completely normal. I just dont think we all meant to "beat the odds"-- Im sorry for your loss......