Venting Always wanted to die

[Zamasu999]

I vividly remember the day i learned suicide was a thing, i was 6 years old and it was injune, my dad had told me a story about a 12 year old boy who killed himself after his parents grounded him. Im 18 now and since, not a day has gone y without me wanting to ctb wether i was happy sad angry or whatever i've always wanted to do it,in fact i had planned on doing it that same exact day but then asked my dad what happens to people who commit suicide and he told me they go to hell, i was still religious back then so it stopped me from attempting anything tho i still tried later when i was 10, 13, and 17 years old mostly cuz of bullying and stress. But even without all that i never stopped wanting to die it feels more peaceful to be dead rather than alive and i don't know why im like this, is this like an actual condition cuz iit can't be a result of my childhood i had a very normal one. Sorry for ranting but i was just wondering if anybody else felt the same and wether or not this was a thing or am i just weird.