deathbycakes
Member
- Sep 14, 2018
- 97
where to start…
i've been off the sites for quite a long time now, but for some reason it popped up in my head, and there's some stuff i regret posting here, mainly because it was a bad experiment and i don't want to give other people ideas to try that cursed method.
ok some backstory; i lost my will to live in 2018 because of overwhelming grief—i lost my loved one— and i couldn't cope with the situation. i wanted to die and was hoping it could look like somewhat natural, since i don't want my parents to think they did something wrong/it was their fault if i did die from suicide.
so i researched on how to induce life threatening illness. this was a stupid idea btw, but my brain at that time only wants to die so any options seems good to me back then. if you've read my method, please do not attempt it. i have a chronic illness now and the condition just makes my life harder.
i did almost die, after being hospitalized for almost 14 months, there were several times where my life was in a threatening stage. it was not a pleasant experiences. i'm not really sure when and why i stopped wanting to die, tbh i think i still hope that i'd die in my sleep, but i don't want to kms anymore. i want my death to be a surprise for myself, just let it come whenever it wants to. surprisingly being alive isn't that bad, i get to meet new friends, find and experiences new games/movies/songs that i come to love, i get to create art fueled by my sadness, and it helps me.
i still feel depressed and i still miss my SO very much, but i know i'll meet him again if not in the afterlife, maybe in the next life, even if there's no afterlife/reincarnation and only void awaits us, than it's also fine for me.
for now keeping him alive in my brain is enough for me to keep on living.
life would not get easier, but over time you kinda accept it as it is. i think a lot about what if my ctb attempts was successful, and after imagining how my mum would feel about it; i'm really glad that i failed.
the reason why i decided to come back to this forum is only for writing this post. for you that lost someone important to you, be it family, so, pets, friends, anyone, i just want to tell you that over time, you'll learn to manage the sadness. it won't dissapear, but you'll manage. we'll manage.
i've been off the sites for quite a long time now, but for some reason it popped up in my head, and there's some stuff i regret posting here, mainly because it was a bad experiment and i don't want to give other people ideas to try that cursed method.
ok some backstory; i lost my will to live in 2018 because of overwhelming grief—i lost my loved one— and i couldn't cope with the situation. i wanted to die and was hoping it could look like somewhat natural, since i don't want my parents to think they did something wrong/it was their fault if i did die from suicide.
so i researched on how to induce life threatening illness. this was a stupid idea btw, but my brain at that time only wants to die so any options seems good to me back then. if you've read my method, please do not attempt it. i have a chronic illness now and the condition just makes my life harder.
i did almost die, after being hospitalized for almost 14 months, there were several times where my life was in a threatening stage. it was not a pleasant experiences. i'm not really sure when and why i stopped wanting to die, tbh i think i still hope that i'd die in my sleep, but i don't want to kms anymore. i want my death to be a surprise for myself, just let it come whenever it wants to. surprisingly being alive isn't that bad, i get to meet new friends, find and experiences new games/movies/songs that i come to love, i get to create art fueled by my sadness, and it helps me.
i still feel depressed and i still miss my SO very much, but i know i'll meet him again if not in the afterlife, maybe in the next life, even if there's no afterlife/reincarnation and only void awaits us, than it's also fine for me.
for now keeping him alive in my brain is enough for me to keep on living.
life would not get easier, but over time you kinda accept it as it is. i think a lot about what if my ctb attempts was successful, and after imagining how my mum would feel about it; i'm really glad that i failed.
the reason why i decided to come back to this forum is only for writing this post. for you that lost someone important to you, be it family, so, pets, friends, anyone, i just want to tell you that over time, you'll learn to manage the sadness. it won't dissapear, but you'll manage. we'll manage.
