Venting Im addicted to suffering

[catchy221]

im addicted to suffering.


please read everything to understand what im saying. only if you want to ofc

i cant imagine to live without this feeling, it feels like its a part of me i cant let go of. otherwise i would let go of myself.

i wouldnt be me without this feeling.



i feel like i owe a specific person love.


i promised that person that i would love them forever.


which is weird because that same person has turned into a complete asshole and treats me like shit and i know i shouldnt care anymore. and if it wasnt for my way of thinking i actually wouldnt care anymore.


in general, im a very strong person.


i can handle shit easily that most people cant handle easily. the death of my dad for example. and sooo much more.





i know i could do really good in my life because i did before i knew this person.


i was doing really good.


i was self employed, had/have a good body, good face and i am confident


and i theoretically could start living like that again if i wanted to.



but i dont want to.


that one promise i made cursed me.


what type of world is this where promises like that are just broken?


why are people not true to their word and true to themselves?


everyone just brainwashes themselves into thinking shit like that is okay


i dont want to break that promise.


breaking this promise would mean to let go.


and letting go would feel like betraying the version of the person that loved me.


the person im referring to was not always an asshole.


i cant imagine this version of the person watching over me and seeing that i broke that promise.

even if i have every reason to do so.
it would break my heart to see them cry because of that.

and because i dont want to break that promise, and i dont want to live in this world, i just want to die to get both.

I hate sayings like "you cant always have both"
or
"sometimes theres nothing you can do"

try me

and for way too complicated reasons, i actually believe that this version of the person is still somewhere in the afterlife.
whatever that looks like. im not religious



i dont care about the truths of this world or the "rules" people live by.

i know for a normal thinking person moving on and forgetting that person and every promise would be the best option.


but why dont they care about these types of promises and actions?!

you probably think im crazy, or that im talking nonsense


and thats okay.


not even i know if what im saying makes any sense.


but right now it feels logical to me.

if you can relate with this way of thinking i would love to know.


I want to die.

 

[itsgone2]

you probably think im crazy, or that im talking nonsense

No one on here talks crazy. No one on here talks nonsense. Seriously. We see things other people don't see. We're not crazy though.

I want to die.

Same. Enough of all this.

 

[Lavínia]

I'm one of those people who break promises, a liar, but I understand that part about commitment you mentioned. I've never had a fixed vision of myself, so it's always been very easy to forget something important or give up. Mainly because I realized there were no consequences. Once I promised I would live for someone. I lived for 6 years, only for him. He never loved me back, and he drifted away. I clung to an imaginary vision I had of him, a possibility of him loving or liking me, but it never happened. Maybe because it was one-sided, only for myself, it was easier to give up.

I identified with what you said about needing to live with this, with the suffering. I feel I could get treatment, medicate myself, change my habits. Meet new people, become a different person. But doing that would mean abandoning the last true thing I have of myself, which is this pain, and the recognition of it. I'd rather die in a humiliating way, with my life falling apart, or giving up on it completely, than abandon this suffering. You're not crazy. You still have reasons, and that's a good thing.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

im addicted to suffering.


please read everything to understand what im saying. only if you want to ofc

i cant imagine to live without this feeling, it feels like its a part of me i cant let go of. otherwise i would let go of myself.

i wouldnt be me without this feeling.



i feel like i owe a specific person love.


i promised that person that i would love them forever.


which is weird because that same person has turned into a complete asshole and treats me like shit and i know i shouldnt care anymore. and if it wasnt for my way of thinking i actually wouldnt care anymore.


in general, im a very strong person.


i can handle shit easily that most people cant handle easily. the death of my dad for example. and sooo much more.





i know i could do really good in my life because i did before i knew this person.


i was doing really good.


i was self employed, had/have a good body, good face and i am confident


and i theoretically could start living like that again if i wanted to.



but i dont want to.


that one promise i made cursed me.


what type of world is this where promises like that are just broken?


why are people not true to their word and true to themselves?


everyone just brainwashes themselves into thinking shit like that is okay


i dont want to break that promise.


breaking this promise would mean to let go.


and letting go would feel like betraying the version of the person that loved me.


the person im referring to was not always an asshole.


i cant imagine this version of the person watching over me and seeing that i broke that promise.

even if i have every reason to do so.
it would break my heart to see them cry because of that.

and because i dont want to break that promise, and i dont want to live in this world, i just want to die to get both.

I hate sayings like "you cant always have both"
or
"sometimes theres nothing you can do"

try me

and for way too complicated reasons, i actually believe that this version of the person is still somewhere in the afterlife.
whatever that looks like. im not religious



i dont care about the truths of this world or the "rules" people live by.

i know for a normal thinking person moving on and forgetting that person and every promise would be the best option.


but why dont they care about these types of promises and actions?!

you probably think im crazy, or that im talking nonsense


and thats okay.


not even i know if what im saying makes any sense.


but right now it feels logical to me.

if you can relate with this way of thinking i would love to know.


I want to die.

Marriage is a scared promise. It's no one's fault your mind is the way it is. No one's stopping you from building yourself up but you.

 

[catchy221]

Marriage is a scared promise. It's no one's fault your mind is the way it is. No one's stopping you from building yourself up but you.

im 18, marriage was never in conversation and i dont like the concept of getting married. but the orher part may be true, id still feel guilty