Venting I'm a terrible person and I wish I didn't care about anyone

[author]

My friend is suicidal. Possibly hypocritical of me, but I don't want her to die.

I talked her out of it once through text messages at work. It was a very panic-inducing ordeal but I thought she'd at least be fine for a while after, especially because I've been helping her move. But today at work she tried to call me out of nowhere and so I told her I just needed five minutes so I could go on break and then I could talk to her but I kept her on the line. Three minutes later she hung up and texted me that she'd just "call a hotline or something". I checked on her an hour later, nothing. I checked on her another hour later, nothing. I started freaking out thinking she'd killed herself because I couldn't talk to her right then and there. I just needed a couple minutes. I literally could not fucking settle down, and eventually she texted to say she was alive and talked to her husband about it instead.

I've always had to deal with my own suicidal shit on my own. I have friends who will listen to me vent about other things but I don't ever put my suicide ideation on them because I hate doing that, and I hate dealing with the conversation that it entails. I don't even really talk about my self-harm. I'd just rather keep it to myself. It's not like everyone else has to do that, but I'm definitely not in a position to help other people - so I don't know why everyone comes to ME with such tense situations. I don't even know what I'm doing, sometimes I just say what I think they need to hear so they'll be okay, because sometimes it's so fucking stressful I just shut off emotionally and end up having to perform.

It's like I'm always working. It's all customer service. It's all performance. I'm a terrible fucking person. I wish I could be the person people want me to be; endlessly patient, compassionate, able to help at all times, having all the right answers - just, the perfect person. Unfortunately I'm not, but I'm stuck playing therapist anyway. The worst part is that I LIKE helping my loved ones WHEN I CAN, but this is too fucking much. It's all too fucking much. I'm not equipped for this. I can't help anyone, I can barely help myself.

I'm so fucking selfish, because there's a part of me that thinks SHE'S selfish for pushing this on me knowing that I'm at work. I know she just wanted help and I'm glad she reached out instead of killing herself and I'm glad she's alive but somehow I'm also angry at her. I wish I didn't care. It would be so much easier if I didn't care. I can't stop caring.

The reason she called me instead of her husband or a hotline or another friend first was apparently because she "felt less bad about bothering me" than anyone else - and on one hand, I'm glad she trusts me, but on the other hand, holy fucking shit. Am I wrong to think that's selfish? She knew I was at work, and I was only coincidentally able to answer her in the first place because it was slow. I can't even articulate anything right now with how badly I freaked out about this.

I love my friends. I hate that I love people enough to destroy myself. I wish I didn't care. I'm so fucking selfish.

 

[eeah]

i dont think its nice for her to say that and atop responding making u worry

 

[monetpompo]

i dont think its nice for her to say that and atop responding making u worry

op's friend is really rude for doing that imo. i also text(ed) people while dealing with acute suicidal thoughts and it's stressful for everybody. if there's other people she knows is available or people she can trust then she should talk to them instead of pushing it on you just because she doesn't mind talking to you as much. i can't be friends with other severely depressed people because they're very hard people to be friends with, even if i care about them and their wellbeing still. you're really not selfish. you're just one person. it's totally fine to not be able to handle being friends with her.

 

[serenitydream]

I think it's wonderful that you care and try so much even though you don't feel like you know the right answers, especially while dealing with your own feelings.<3

 

[author]

op's friend is really rude for doing that imo. i also text(ed) people while dealing with acute suicidal thoughts and it's stressful for everybody. if there's other people she knows is available or people she can trust then she should talk to them instead of pushing it on you just because she doesn't mind talking to you as much. i can't be friends with other severely depressed people because they're very hard people to be friends with, even if i care about them and their wellbeing still. you're really not selfish. you're just one person. it's totally fine to not be able to handle being friends with her.

Thank you. I want to be there for her, but keeping myself alive is an ordeal in itself... I just wish she'd rely on other people more like a therapist, her husband, or our other friends, etc. I want to stay her friend but I'm just so tired...

I think it's wonderful that you care and try so much even though you don't feel like you know the right answers, especially while dealing with your own feelings.<3

I guess that's one way to look at it, but it's honestly been more stressful than anything else. Feeling like something as small as a 5-minute wait could cost someone their life is not very fun... But thank you.