Venting I’m a lonely stray

[ThunderBringer]

I dropped out of school. I only lasted a single semester in college and I just couldn't do it. I lived with my friend and his family for about half of my senior year of high school and the entire summer before college. It was a fun time because all of our friends would always be over and hangout. Come time for us to go to college my friend's father spoke with his wife and said out of all of us going to school, I'm the one who's been prepared the least for this new chapter in my life. He was so so right.

I lived in an off campus apartment that I paid for myself with 3 other guys, I went to school which I also paid for myself (with help from scholarships and grants). No contact with my real family, and I didn't talk to my friend's parents either because they're not MY parents. Why would the care how I'm doing? Anyway, I got into a depressive episode where I didn't go to class or do work. I slept on the couch instead of my bed. I hadn't showered in 2 weeks. I didn't eat or drink much other than when one of my roommates got stressed out and started cooking and needing someone to try the food. I couldn't find a job in this new area, I was just barely affording rent and couldn't afford anything else. Plus the side effects (insomnia, lack of appetite, anxiety, and irritability) from my medication were horrible and absolutely not helping my depression. I was tired, lonely, and very very sad.

I somehow managed to lock in again. I got a job and my friends were visiting for my birthday. Things were looking okay for once. Then my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me a few days before my birthday. It wasn't a messy breakup at all and we're still "friends" but of course I was still spiraling because I didn't want that to happen. She was my everything, and I thought I was hers too. The whole reason I decided to get better was to have a future with her. Now she's gone and I'm alone again.

My birthday passes, then the next day I went to a regularly scheduled meeting with my college counselor and she had me admitted to a mental hospital because she "didn't feel comfortable letting me leave." She told me the school wouldn't hold it against me, I made the mistake of believing her and agreed to the admission. I was told I'd be there for around 3-5 days. I was there for 2 weeks. Would've been longer if I didn't start faking getting better. Every day at the hospital they would ask "What's something you're looking forward to after getting out?" And every time I would respond "I want to lie in the grass and stare at the sky before doing anything else." Because I needed fresh air and some sun. A reminder that I'm still alive.

Upon my release it rained all week, as well as the next. No laying in the grass for me :( but I tried to stay somewhat positive. Then I realised my roommates didn't seem notice or care that I was gone. Not even the guy I literally share a room with. We all talked and hung out but I guess they didn't think we were friends. I was hospitalized during my mid terms and my teachers didn't seem to care for my reasoning as to why I missed them. They knew about the hospital, but according to them "late is still late." The only way to pass my classes would be to basically sell my soul. I wasn't going to put all of that effort in just to have to retake the class anyway. It was then that I finally gave up. So I failed everything.

I had a moment where I realised I was alone. No family, no partner, no close friends, and still struggling to make ends meet. "If you disappear no one would care" well I did, and yeah no one cared.

Other people my age have support systems, an actual family. I'm a fucking stray that my friend brought home because I made him laugh enough. I have no value. No connections. I am nothing to anyone.

I should've killed myself then. No one would've noticed anyway.

 

[departedfreedom]

Honestly, that's a lot for one person to carry on their own.

You went from having some sense of community and routine straight into isolation, financial pressure, academic stress, medication side effects, and then a breakup on top of it all. That's not "you failing at life"—that's life hitting you from five different directions at once. Most people don't handle that well, especially without support.

What stood out to me wasn't weakness—it was the fact that you kept trying. You found a job while you were struggling. You showed up to counseling. You held on long enough to get through the hospital stay. Even now, you're here, putting words to what happened instead of just disappearing quietly. That counts for more than you're giving yourself credit for.

The part where you said "if you disappear no one would care"… I get why it feels true, but feelings like that are really good at lying when you're isolated. Not having people show up for you doesn't mean you don't matter—it means the right people either aren't in your life yet or didn't step up the way they should have. That's a failure on the situation, not proof of your worth.

Also, the "stray" comment… I get the feeling behind it, but it's not accurate. You weren't taken in because you were convenient—you were around because people enjoyed you. You made them laugh, you were part of something. That doesn't just happen by accident.

Right now it sounds like you're in a place where everything collapsed at once—school, relationship, housing stability, sense of belonging. Anyone would feel lost after that. But this isn't the end of your story, it's just a really rough chapter where the structure you had didn't hold.

If there's one thing I'd say to focus on, it's this: don't try to rebuild everything at once. You don't need to solve your whole life right now. Just start with something small and stabilizing—consistent meals, getting outside (even if it's not lying in the grass yet), keeping a basic routine. Those things sound trivial, but they're the foundation everything else sits on.

And for what it's worth—someone read your post, stopped, and cared enough to respond. You're not as invisible as it feels.

You're not nothing. You're just in a place where you haven't been supported the way you needed to be. There's a difference.