if you're not interested in whatever furture the world has in store for you, is it right to ctb?

[GASLIGHTER7000]

i have a loving family, a sweet best friend, i have friends i can talk to everyday. my university is paid for, i have a job- i have mostly everything i can ask for. but i have no will or interest to drag myself through everyday. i don't want to see my future, i don't care for it. i'm afraid i'm going to continue through everyday, in hopes that something will stir my will to live once again, and that will simply never happen.

i feel like my main debate with suicide is whether it's worth it or not. i wouldn't even call myself depressed, i would say i'm moderately sad but i have the motivation to live a normal life- though it's sort of passing through the motions. my mindset is as follows: i would rather be dead instead of alive with how my life is right now- i'm extremely unsatisfied and don't quite have the ability to change it. however, on the off chance something changes in my life and i can experience something happiness-inducing, even for a limited amount of time, i want to stay alive to experience that.

it's painful and difficult to have spent my life relying on outside things to convince myself to keep going. when i was younger, i told myself i wanted to stay alive for the medias i enjoyed, i wanted to complete every piece of media possible before i committed suicide. looking back, i wasn't serious at all at the time. i don't even know why i was depressed really, but maybe i'll look back at my current life and think the same. now a days, media doesn't really bring me the same joy- maybe it's a part of growing up. in theory... nothing really does. the last time i felt happy, it was temporary. again, whatever i potentially find will be temporary as well. it's unfair how those inflicted with suicidal thoughts will simply suffer for the rest of their lives with them. it feels as if my life is on a pause, that i'm waiting one day for a will to live. people who aren't suicidal are blessed in ways they don't even know.

 

[unkown00]

I feel somewhat similar.

Where to do you fall on a Beck Depression inventory?
You might still have some of the criteria of depression. You mention something like anhedonia ( you mention the media you watch doesn't bring you the same joy). Its an interesting feeling especially like things are on pause.

The unfortunate thing is that the thoughts/mood may have negative effects on the mind. I want to read more about it, but I recall an animal study where rats given stress dose corticosteroids had inhibited dendrite growth in their neurons. There are studies showing atrophy in certain brain regions like the Hippocampus, Cingulate, and Caudate region of the brain. It seems concerning that once the depression/suicidality process starts you may have consequences outside of just ruminating. It seems like there are neuropsychiatric effects that contribute to the spiral and make outcomes worse.

Another nebulous sort of characteristic I wanted to bring up was the personality trait of neuroticism, people like that are prone to guilt, anxiety, emotionality that likely feeds into suicidal thinking. That personality trait is associated with worse life outcomes, depression and suicidality. Those with low neuroticism are less prone to that type of thinking, and are found to have better life outcomes. They perhaps suffer in other ways, or pass their suffering onto others more.

Overall its very interesting, I wanted to write some partially organized thoughts, I don't want to apply anything to you specifically.

 

[GASLIGHTER7000]

I feel somewhat similar.

Where to do you fall on a Beck Depression inventory?
You might still have some of the criteria of depression. You mention something like anhedonia ( you mention the media you watch doesn't bring you the same joy). Its an interesting feeling especially like things are on pause.

The unfortunate thing is that the thoughts/mood may have negative effects on the mind. I want to read more about it, but I recall an animal study where rats given stress dose corticosteroids had inhibited dendrite growth in their neurons. There are studies showing atrophy in certain brain regions like the Hippocampus, Cingulate, and Caudate region of the brain. It seems concerning that once the depression/suicidality process starts you may have consequences outside of just ruminating. It seems like there are neuropsychiatric effects that contribute to the spiral and make outcomes worse.

Another nebulous sort of characteristic I wanted to bring up was the personality trait of neuroticism, people like that are prone to guilt, anxiety, emotionality that likely feeds into suicidal thinking. That personality trait is associated with worse life outcomes, depression and suicidality. Those with low neuroticism are less prone to that type of thinking, and are found to have better life outcomes. They perhaps suffer in other ways, or pass their suffering onto others more.

Overall its very interesting, I wanted to write some partially organized thoughts, I don't want to apply anything to you specifically.

i just did the test and i got a 37, which fell under severe depression.
i probably am depressed lol. i definitely do not function like a non-depressed person. anhedonia is one of the most blatant symptoms of depression i have. when i first head of it i felt like it applied to me entirely. i find myself only indulging in media/anything of that sort socially- the only activity i can somewhat manage myself is drawing, but it's rather half-hearted and i never tend to finish my art. i get (or used to get) "hyperfixated" on media and it would be like instant dopamine interacting with that media for awhile. i honestly miss that feeling so much lol. it's hard to label myself as depressed because when speaking to other depressed people on this website or elsewhere, i get the impression most of them can barely function at all- while i still can. it makes me feel a bit guilty. that being said, my feelings of depression tend to fluctuate, i can become depressed enough to not leave my bed and stare at the ceiling all day, or i can be active all day, or in between- and it changes very quickly.

hearing that depression can have a negative effect upon the brain is not a surprise at all to me lol, i've definitely noticed the signs. i'm slow in my speech and have difficulty socializing, i put extra effort into trying to mimic how normal people talk. it's just unfair that the way my brain is only makes it worse over time- it makes it feel more hopeless. i don't want to give up hope as my post indicated, but it just seems like the more likely option for me. depression and suicidality is a downwards spiral- hearing people talk about crawling out of that hole sounds unrealistic to me- like some sort of fantasy or dream. i can't imagine a life where i don't feel this way.

i am mostly definitely high in neuroticism lol. i've been described as extremely anxious, self blaming, etc lol. i've heard this line of thinking before and i've tried to implement it into my own life... trying not to be as anxious, self-doubting, self hating, whatever... it just feels fake lol. it's unfortunately just my nature, so i'll likely remain this way.


it is very interesting, thank you! i do feel like these points apply to myself lol :)

 

[unkown00]

Aspects of personality like neuroticism tend to stay persistent over ones life. They can be changed with mindfulness based strategies, where you accept the thoughts you have from a neutral point of view and try to manifest actions and thoughts that would be less neurotic through practice. Neurotic people are likely to somaticize things, feel like symptoms they have are signs of some illness. i.e. Blaming some brain fog on depression when it could be do to poor sleep.

People need distractions, it can often be substances but media and videogames can have a similar pattern of consumption as a form of escape.

That thought of a downward inescapable spiral only solidifies the negative thinking, maybe thats ironic?

I guess there just needs to be some fight left someone that they can muster.