If you could go back in time could you prevent yourself from wanting to CTB?

[😞 🔫]

I think that's the worst thing about how I feel. I fucked up and ruined my life by mistreating the one person I fucking love. Now I can never get her back. If I could go back in time only 2 months with the knowledge I have now we would have been inseperable. I can't believe this is actually happening.

My SN should arrive in a little over a week. If by some miracle I'm able to get her back before then I might be ok but it's not going to happen. She said if I never contacted her again she would be happy. I wish I wasn't such a hopeful person so I could have just done this 2 months ago but the amount of hope I have that she will come back is destroying me by making this pain last much longer than it should have ever needed to.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I would go back in time to kill myself sooner

 

[Praestat_Mori]

If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now and if everything is going to happen exactly the same as it had happened then I could make a few different decisions at certain points in my life and I wouldn't become suicidal.

 

[😞 🔫]

If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now and if everything is going to happen exactly the same as it had happened then I could make a few different decisions at certain points in my life and I wouldn't become suicidal.

I'm sorry. For me that's one of the worst parts. That this could have been preventable but several small missteps adding up resulted in ruined lives

 

[passer-by]

That's the thing, we always act on the best knowledge we currently possess. As easy as it is to fall into "if only" abyss, such scenarios are purely hyphotetical. Mind likes to play its games to gain some sense of control, but we're mere puppets to our reactions. Whatever happened was waiting to happen since the beginning of times. There's no repair in going back in time, only forwards.
That being sad, I understand the despair. Mind is infinite in trying to imagine all the alternative scenarios and to avoid the pain. But whatever happened has happened and it couldn't happen any other way. With all its beauty and horrors. All we can do is take what's left and build upon that. Whether that's catching a bus or moving on in other ways.
I'm sending hugs

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry. For me that's one of the worst parts. That this could have been preventable but several small missteps adding up resulted in ruined lives

I'm sorry things went so horribly wrong for u. We can't turn back time but we also don't know the future. Somstimes wounds can heal.

2 months isn't a long time. In my case I would need to go back more than 15 years to "correct" things at the base.

 

[😞 🔫]

I'm sorry things went so horribly wrong for u. We can't turn back time but we also don't know the future. Somstimes wounds can heal.

2 months isn't a long time. In my case I would need to go back more than 15 years to "correct" things at the base.

Oh absolutely. My life was nowhere near perfect and I've had many suicide plans prior to this occurring, but this was essentially the nail in the coffin for me. I am so sorry things went wrong for you as well. Do you think you would relive those 15 years differently if you were able to, even though it means going so far back in time?

 

[AnderDethsky]

Nah, it seems to me, in my case, when the source of pain is at the very root of my existence, which I have always had and always will have — CTB thoughts are not what I find. It's CTB thoughts find me.

 

[KillingPain267]

No, it was predestined and forordained that I would ctb.

 

[coffeebeany]

I would have to go back and prevent my parents from meeting lol. Other than that - no. I had no power over the abuse and neglect and literal torture.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Oh absolutely. My life was nowhere near perfect and I've had many suicide plans prior to this occurring, but this was essentially the nail in the coffin for me. I am so sorry things went wrong for you as well. Do you think you would relive those 15 years differently if you were able to, even though it means going so far back in time?

Yes, definitely. I would even go back further, if that was possible. I had generally a good life and I wasn't suicidal at all. A big failure in life and what came afterwards caused me burnout and made me suicidal. Ultimately I ended up here.

 

[Rational man]

It would be great having hindsight..I wouldn't have taken the c19 vax which I believe is the connection to my degenerative condition. Also, if I had a kinder heart, I might still be with my beautiful girlfriend. Unfortunately, i had no say in the type of card that was dealt to me. Life can be tough...

 

[dqngerous]

i don't think so…i couldn't make myself not mentally ill & i couldn't stop my mom getting cancer

 

[alltoomuch2]

That brought in a new thought for me. I don't think I could have changed what happened to me as a child, which contributed to all my bad decisions and acceptance of bad things people did to me through the rest of my life. But if one, just one of the teachers who asked me if everything was alright at home hadn't accepted my "yes" and had delved deeper and done something, maybe my life would have been different. But I know that fighting the past and wishing it hadnt happened just hurts me more. So to answer the question, after that self indulgent side-track, no. Given what happened to me over my lifetime and how I feel now, my decision to attempt in my 20s and my wish to die now are explainable and appropriate. And I don't think there is anything I could have done at any point to change that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd personally never wish to exist no matter what, I see existence as completely undesirable in every single way, ceasing to exist will be all I'll ever wish for as I just have no interest in suffering in this meaningless, torturous existence that I always saw as a terrible, tragic mistake, for me existence itself is the problem and more than anything I wish I never suffered at all, I find it a burden to simply be conscious. I only hope for non-existence as I just want peace, I want permanent safety from all harm and suffering and only in non-existence will I be unable to suffer, I'd always prefer to cease existing than suffer in this existence where there's no limit as to how much agony one can feel just to be tortured by old age, I find it terrifying how a human can exist for so long, all I wish for is to never exist ever again, I just want to die in peace and forget about it all.

 

[ZeroM24]

No. I barely have any regrets about my life choices/actions. I did the best I could, I just don't belong in this world. Everything enrages me and makes me cry. Every night I cry while thoughts about this cruel hellish world race through my head till I finally fall asleep. This got way worse in the last two years.