If only it were reversible

[sashaisalone]

Ngl, I think I would have already killed myself if it were like a video game where either I could respawn or I could go Esc+Save first so I can come back. You known, just to see what if feels like and if being dead is something that I could fuck with. It's impossible to say what comes next. I had a spiritual awakening of sorts, and thought that if were to kill myself, I'd be reincarnated and maybe I'd get it right in my next life. More and more, I'm starting to wonder if death is literally exactly like it was before I was conceived or born.. complete absolute nothingness... forever. It's also so impossible to imagine myself existing in any way other than I do. It's all I can remember. When my atheist younger brother asked me why it is that we don't remember our past lives if we reincarnate, I answered (being a psych major and all) "Memory is a neurological process. Not a spiritual one.". But I can't imagine being a different person, or an animal. Earlier today, I saw a roadkilled duck near our university's duck pond. They were disembowled on the sidewalk, completely lifeless, and blood forming at the beak. What if that's how I get reincarnated and that's how I meet my end next? I frowned and went "aw" at the sight. I'm a vegetarian btw. I stopped eating meat as kinda like a New Years thing, my ex is vegan.

All of that to say, everything that has every happened, it's already happened, and so much of it you can't reverse. My ex told me she's never seen the movie Interstellar, but that boy I kissed when she was in love with me and wanted me to save my kiss for her, and that ended up defining the rest of our relationship, I want to scream at past me NO, maybe even use my ghost powers to cause random bricks to do random shit so I freak out and run away before I kiss him. That would have done the trick. But the point of that scene is although he's interacting with his past, he can't reverse the decision he made, otherwise he wouldn't be here. I can't reverse the kiss with that fucking French fuck who knew that my ex needed me to save that kiss for her, but he used me anyway. I feel the only way out of what happened is death, but I can't reverse that either.

 

[idksympxthy]

im a psych major too!! looking at it from so many different aspects whether it be spiritually or realistically, I just hope to open my eyes and be a completely different person as if I just erased my initial save and start afresh. Or maybe if there isnt anything left for me, a peaceful sleep that nobody could wake me up out of. The thought it is soothing but then I consider "things to live for" and then that instinct to NOT follow through takes over my body. Wish life was like a video game in that sense of loading a save state, doing what you must and then loading back.

sadly, all our actions are irreversible, and thats what makes people's characters so telling of who they really are. its even more telling what they do with themselves afterwards. the fact you're even thinking about how your actions affected someone else shows you at least have a heart, and im sure a caring one at that. your intentions may not show in your actions but if you truly did love her, then letting her know that love still remains is the best thing you can do to let go of that pain. it'll probably still linger, but at least you know that you didnt let anybody else dictate your character for others besides yourself.

I hope you're doing well OP<3 please be gentle with your soul

 

[sashaisalone]

im a psych major too!! looking at it from so many different aspects whether it be spiritually or realistically, I just hope to open my eyes and be a completely different person as if I just erased my initial save and start afresh. Or maybe if there isnt anything left for me, a peaceful sleep that nobody could wake me up out of. The thought it is soothing but then I consider "things to live for" and then that instinct to NOT follow through takes over my body. Wish life was like a video game in that sense of loading a save state, doing what you must and then loading back.

sadly, all our actions are irreversible, and thats what makes people's characters so telling of who they really are. its even more telling what they do with themselves afterwards. the fact you're even thinking about how your actions affected someone else shows you at least have a heart, and im sure a caring one at that. your intentions may not show in your actions but if you truly did love her, then letting her know that love still remains is the best thing you can do to let go of that pain. it'll probably still linger, but at least you know that you didnt let anybody else dictate your character for others besides yourself.

I hope you're doing well OP<3 please be gentle with your soul

She is painfully aware how much I want her back and how much I still have feelings for her.