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But we are 18, he has the rest of his life ahead of him. Are you sure he won't get over me? There's plenty of fish in the sea.
I know. I know because he shows me with his actions, with his love and care. He said that if I was happy, he would never be sad again. He said he wants me to get better and be happy :(
Yeah you're still young yet, he sounds like a good dude. Try out life for awhile, and if life isnt your cup of tea then well I hope that you find the peace you're looking for!
I don't feel comfortable giving out that info sorry. Just curious, why does it matter what country I'm in?
I already have tried, I've felt this way since I was 11. I don't think life is for me. I just don't want to hurt him, he means the world to me.
I don't want to be cold to him either. If I ever ctb, it would be the day after we hang out one last time. I don't want to ruin a perfectly good relationship, I want to feel his love in my heart until my very last days. I don't want him to see this coming, or to notice any signs. I won't show any.
Yes but you're his fish. People get very attached. He won't get over it. Always wondering what he could've done differently and what you two would have become. Maybe you would have had a family
In my suicide note I made sure to say that it's not his fault. Because it isn't, he really does bring me joy and makes me see the light inside this darkness. But I'm just in too much pain. In my note(haven't given this to him yet, I'm not even sure if I'll ctb, just writing the notes to be prepared) I made it very clear that there is nothing he could've done to stop me, and not to beat himself up, wondering "what if" this and that. That he did all he could, and that even though he can't stop me from committing suicide, he pushed that date farther and farther away. It feels like my suicide is inevitable, and a matter of when instead of if. He changed the when to be much farther away than it would be if we had never met.
This is what I'm hoping for. If I knew this, it would be much easier to go through with it, I'm just scared of hurting him, especially permanently. If I could predict the future and see that he moves on and goes on to live a happy life, then I'd be able to ctb, but I can't see the future. What if I leave a hole in his heart that will never be filled? I don't want to leave him in pain. I don't want to put someone else in pain just because of my own pain. And I would really miss him if I ctb :(
We plan to get married in a couple years, I really
I'm already in therapy. Trying meds soon hopefully but it probably won't help. Nothing could make this pain go away, it's not just one problem, it's a million reasons that life is so agonizing and painful. But I'll stay if leaving means he'll be sad for the rest of his days like you said.
I won't do it then. I choose to keep living, I love him too much to make him suffer.
No, I already know what he'll say. I've just been in a lot of pain. I won't do it, I don't want him to be scarred forever.
Agree to disagree. I think soulmates are real, but not always in the way they're portrayed in movies and such. And you're right that anyone can be special to someone, if they decide that person is.
I realized I probably can't accept that outcome. So I'm going to live, and I'm going to try and get help.
Sweetie, it appears that you already have the answer. I hate to say this, but the cruel fact is you can't have both ends of the world.
Look my dear, suicide is something you go through with as a last resort, when you've been sure for a long time that there's nothing which could possibly make your life worth living.
Thank you this is very sweet. It wouldn't be an impulsive decision for me, it's just difficult either way. I can't tell if the pain of hurting him and never seeing him again is worse than the pain of being alive.Look my dear, suicide is something you go through with as a last resort, when you've been sure for a long time that there's nothing which could possibly make your life worth living.
The fact how much you love your partner and that you're willing to try for him is reason enough to leave your plan to ctb aside for now.
People who are certain about death don't have a reason they think is worth to stay.
I would hate if you made an impulsive decision which would ruin all your chances to experience a good life.
I'm sorry that happened to you. May I ask how old you are? My boyfriend and I are only 18, which makes me think if I were to ctb it would be easier for him to heal than if we were older. He'd have more time, his whole life ahead of him.
Even if I make sure to write in my suicide note that it's not his fault and there was nothing he could've done to stop me? Even if I make it clear I hid the signs on purpose so it's not his fault for missing them?
It's not his fault though. I'd make sure to tell him it's not his fault. We've been together for a year and a few months, if that information is helpful at all.
I can't stand being alive though. It's torture and I don't want to suffer forever.Sweetie, it appears that you already have the answer. I hate to say this, but the cruel fact is you can't have both ends of the world.
Thank you, this means a lot to me. I'm safe right now, if I were to ctb it would be in a few months, not anytime soon. I'd need lots of time to plan and mentally prepare. I miss him but can't see him often due to strict parents(I'm 18 but they're controlling and toxic, and I can't afford to move out. I don't have a car either.)I'm really glad you said this out loud. It shows how deeply you care and how conflicted you're feeling.
I want to be very clear and gentle with you.
People who lose someone they love to suicide don't just "get over it." Many do keep living, and some do heal in certain ways, but the loss usually stays with them for life. It often changes who they are, how they love, how safe the world feels. Partners especially tend to carry a lot of unanswered questions and guilt, even when it wasn't their fault. The pain doesn't disappear; it just gets carried.
And the fact that you're worrying about him right now tells me something important: your life matters to him, and it matters in ways that can't be replaced. If staying alive feels hard, staying alive for now because of love is still a real and valid reason.
I also want to say this:
The part of you that thinks about hurting yourself isn't you wanting to die, it's you wanting the pain to stop. Those are not the same thing.
You don't have to decide anything about the future today. You only have to get through this moment safely.
If calling feels like too much, could you message your boyfriend, a close friend, or a family member and just say:
"I'm not okay and I need you right now."
You don't have to explain everything.
Let me ask you one important question, and you can answer honestly:
Are you safe right now, or are you feeling at risk of hurting yourself in this moment?
I'm here with you. You're not weak for feeling this way, and you're not a burden for needing help.
