Venting If I don't ctb soon I'm screwed

[Rue89]

Since I've been planning to ctb I've been indulging and blowing my money on stupid stuff. I figured once I'm dead I won't need it. Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have done that. I live with my mom and I don't see myself moving out in the near future, so it's not like I'll be out on the streets because of what I did, but when my mom finds out she's going to be so pissed. I know she'll find out eventually, and I'm not sure what she'll do. I know I'll definitely get a huge lecture, but I'm not sure if she'll go as far as taking the rest of my money, or even filing for guardianship of me (she has suggested it in the past and my money wasn't an issue then). Now I feel more pressure to ctb. I don't need this added stress in my life. Why did I do this to myself? Oh well, if it helps push me to ctb maybe it's a blessing in disguise.

 

[death137]

I relate to this but I also blow away many other things. I don't know what to say to you other than I hope you find peace soon before things get worse.

 

[Valon]

Dude, same. I've been spending too much money lately, but I just don't give a fuck. Maybe being broke will give me the push I need.

 

[Ghost2211]

When you say your mom will get mad do you mean normal mom mad or crazy mom mad?

 

[Rue89]

When you say your mom will get mad do you mean normal mom mad or crazy mom mad?

Normal mom mad I guess. I know there will be a lot of yelling, and possibly further actions that I mentioned. When she's mad she doesn't really listen to what I have to say. And it's probably not something she'd get over quickly. I'm also worried that she might suspect something's wrong, since this isn't something I'd normally do, and interrogate me about that.

 

[Ghost2211]

Normal mom mad I guess. I know there will be a lot of yelling, and possibly further actions that I mentioned. When she's mad she doesn't really listen to what I have to say. Basically she's right, and that's that. And it's probably not something she'd get over quickly. I'm also worried that she might suspect something's wrong, since this isn't something I'd normally do, and interrogate me about that.

Is it possible to talk to her about needing to talk or more support? If she's a loving parent I can tell you there is nothing my kids could do that would be so bad they need to die instead of talk to me.

 

[Rue89]

Is it possible to talk to her about needing to talk or more support? If she's a loving parent I can tell you there is nothing my kids could do that would be so bad they need to die instead of talk to me.

I've tried that in the past. She'd probably force me into therapy again, and that made everything worse last time. I'll also totally lose her trust again and she won't let me be alone for even a minute. I know her heart is in the right place, but honestly talking to her about my issues has never helped.

 

[Ghost2211]

I've tried that in the past. She'd probably force me into therapy again, and that made everything worse last time. I'll also totally lose her trust again and she won't let me be alone for even a minute. I know her heart is in the right place, but honestly talking to her about my issues has never helped.

If she understood you better and made you feel emotionally safer would it change your desire to ctb or not? My instinct is to say what about writing a letter to her so she can absorb what you say away from face to face, but if it wouldn't help anyway it's just kicking a dead horse to try to get through.

 

[Rue89]

If she understood you better and made you feel emotionally safer would it change your desire to ctb or not? My instinct is to say what about writing a letter to her so she can absorb what you say away from face to face, but if it wouldn't help anyway it's just kicking a dead horse to try to get through.

No, the only thing that would change my mind about ctb is if my anxiety disappeared. I feel like I've exhausted my options there though. I'm sure a letter wouldn't change my mom's reaction unfortunately.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I'm a long time lurker and recently joined SS. Been following your story.

It seems to me your mom loves you from what I've read. So, you blew some money. Mom gets pissed. You feel bad. Mom gets over it after a long lecture. Sounds about right?

Dont let the stress of anticipation of mom getting mad > than mom getting mad.

Hang tough. Mom will get over it, from what I see in your story. Tell her your sorry, and make her a nice dinner, clean the house for her, and do the laundry.

Good luck.

 

[Nephthys22]

I feel the same way, I feel if I dont do something soon, like this weekend, I am really about to suffer for all the irrational decisions i have been making.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

does mom know you're having depression and anxiety issues? If so tell you had impulse buys due to depression/anxiety.

 

[checkouttime]

I can relate to this, i did the same and also a massive amount of my mums. I'm an avsolute cunt, i knew what i was doing and still did it. i despise what i have done.

when i ctb .my house, my vehicle and everything else will be able to be sold by my mum, to go a 'little'(i use that word loosely) towards repaying her for my actions.

absolutely deplorable what i have done, and their is no excuse. Iv'e hit self destruct and so the quicker i CTB the better for all

 

[Rue89]

does mom know you're having depression and anxiety issues? If so tell you had impulse buys due to depression/anxiety.

Yes she knows. In January when I told her that my anxiety had gotten worse she assumed that I was thinking about ctb and didn't fully believe me when I lied and said I wasn't. By that I mean she didn't watch my every move, but she also wouldn't let me stay home alone for long periods of time. I don't know what she believes now. Carelessly spending money is normally something I'd never do and my mom knows it. I could tell her it was because of my anxiety and she'd probably believe me, but she'll probably also assume that I'm thinking about ctb.

 

[Ghost2211]

Yes she knows. In January when I told her that my anxiety had gotten worse she assumed that I was thinking about ctb and didn't fully believe me when I lied and said I wasn't. By that I mean she didn't watch my every move, but she also wouldn't let me stay home alone for long periods of time. I don't know what she believes now. Carelessly spending money is normally something I'd never do and my mom knows it. I could tell her it was because of my anxiety and she'd probably believe me, but she'll probably also assume that I'm thinking about ctb.

It sounds like she loves you, but has a major disconnect. What have you tried so far to help manage anxiety?

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Yes she knows. In January when I told her that my anxiety had gotten worse she assumed that I was thinking about ctb and didn't fully believe me when I lied and said I wasn't. By that I mean she didn't watch my every move, but she also wouldn't let me stay home alone for long periods of time. I don't know what she believes now. Carelessly spending money is normally something I'd never do and my mom knows it. I could tell her it was because of my anxiety and she'd probably believe me, but she'll probably also assume that I'm thinking about ctb.

agree with @RoseyBird . She loves you. Just tell her your purchases were anxiety related and it helped for the moment. You're looking forward to your items and enjoying them. Will wait for your reply to RoseyBird to see if I have more to advise

 

[Rue89]

It sounds like she loves you, but has a major disconnect. What have you tried so far to help manage anxiety?

I tried different types of group therapies at a mental hospital (outpatient), but I don't remember everything we did cause it was 10 years ago. I tried equine therapy, CBT, I've seen at least 3 different therapists who taught me different coping skills and none of them worked. I've also tried different medications that also haven't helped. All the therapy, except the equine therapy, gave me more anxiety.

 

[Ghost2211]

I tried different types of group therapies at a mental hospital (outpatient), but I don't remember everything we did cause it was 10 years ago. I tried equine therapy, CBT, I've seen at least 3 different therapists who taught me different coping skills and none of them worked. I've also tried different medications that also haven't helped. All the therapy, except the equine therapy, gave me more anxiety.

I see, you've been around the block with it, and it's resistant to common solutions. Is marijuana legal where you are for medicinal uses?

 

[Rue89]

I see, you've been around the block with it, and it's resistant to common solutions. Is marijuana legal where you are for medicinal uses?

No it's not unfortunately.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

having anxiety group therapy is scary. I don't understand why they push it. can you try equine therapy again?

 

[Ghost2211]

No it's not unfortunately.

Would your mom be open to letting you try it regardless? I know it can be an out there suggestion for conservative parents, but there is a lot of info out there to support it's efficacy for anxiety, and I'm sure she rather a stoned kid than a dead one in the end.

 

[Rue89]

having anxiety group therapy is scary. I don't understand why they push it. can you try equine therapy again?

No I'm not able to do equine therapy again, but it doesn't matter. While it didn't give me more anxiety it also didn't help.

Would your mom be open to letting you try it regardless? I know it can be an out there suggestion for conservative parents, but there is a lot of info out there to support it's efficacy for anxiety, and I'm sure she rather a stoned kid than a dead one in the end.

No, she definitely wouldn't be open to it.