Fir3CannotSpeak
BurnMeWithFire
- May 8, 2023
- 12
I don't know what this is or why I'm writing it but I've just woken up from this weird period of ignorance. I've been distracting myself with stupid shit for the entire summer and now that the weight of senior year is kicking in, I've been brutally bitch-slapped back into reality. Everyone seems to have everything figured out but I'm so behind that I feel like I'm suffocating. I know that it's my own fault for slacking off or whatever but sometimes it just happens, I spend so much time just sitting in my bed and doing nothing that time feels like it isn't passing at all and suddenly the most important project of the year's draft is due and I have nothing. What's worse is that I'm so scared of failure, which has caused me to attempt before. The sense of impending doom that consumes my entire being perches it's fat ass on my chest and is slowly eating away at me, I'm so utterly terrified of disappointing the one person in my life that makes me feel like I matter that the sheer stress of it all makes me feel like I'm being eaten alive.
I'm such a screw up and then I have the nerve to feel bad for myself when I'm not actively trying because this whole "failure" thing has been drilled into my head for so long that now I can't believe that I'm good for anything other than wasting oxygen. I have no dreams, no aspirations, and once testosterone starts to take affect, no family. The things I used to enjoy now feel like they're draining me of any soul I had left.
I don't feel alive but I know that I'm not dead because I still bear the burdens that come with living. I'm just floating aimlessly, hoping that something will pick me out of the void and make me feel better for a while until they realize that I'm just this ugly dark mass. Any self confidence I dared to claim as my own left the day I found out that my ex was complaining about being with me to our mutual friends... and they didn't say anything. Apparently they were "missing out on so many guys" because they were with me, saying that shit as if I would never find out. Do you know what that does to someone?? As if my self respect and self esteem weren't already low, you just had to put the cherry on top of my already deteriorating sense of self. I kind of wish my friend never told me.
I don't have any path in life that doesn't lead down, I just don't see the point. I can't see myself being anything other than this. I'm sorry for complaining but I can't pull myself out, I don't have the energy to keep up. I would like to sincerely apologize to 12 year old me who thought that this feeling would eventually just go away.
I'm such a screw up and then I have the nerve to feel bad for myself when I'm not actively trying because this whole "failure" thing has been drilled into my head for so long that now I can't believe that I'm good for anything other than wasting oxygen. I have no dreams, no aspirations, and once testosterone starts to take affect, no family. The things I used to enjoy now feel like they're draining me of any soul I had left.
I don't feel alive but I know that I'm not dead because I still bear the burdens that come with living. I'm just floating aimlessly, hoping that something will pick me out of the void and make me feel better for a while until they realize that I'm just this ugly dark mass. Any self confidence I dared to claim as my own left the day I found out that my ex was complaining about being with me to our mutual friends... and they didn't say anything. Apparently they were "missing out on so many guys" because they were with me, saying that shit as if I would never find out. Do you know what that does to someone?? As if my self respect and self esteem weren't already low, you just had to put the cherry on top of my already deteriorating sense of self. I kind of wish my friend never told me.
I don't have any path in life that doesn't lead down, I just don't see the point. I can't see myself being anything other than this. I'm sorry for complaining but I can't pull myself out, I don't have the energy to keep up. I would like to sincerely apologize to 12 year old me who thought that this feeling would eventually just go away.
