Venting identity disturbance/issues?

[livingdeaddyke]

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know I cannot handle being me anymore. Every second I am "me" I wanna claw my eyes and skin out, I wanna scream, I wanna cry.

I hate whenever I have this episode thingy or whatever, I get but into this sort of "trance" or dissociate and it's one of the worst things ever, once I'm in it I cannot get myself out of it unless I hurt myself, like what I did last night two days ago, I grabbed my light and traced it around my hand, it's like I'm brought back to my own body, I'm able to feel something again. for now.

I so badly wanna be someone/something else, every time I act like someone else taking other people's traits and quirks and put them all onto me, people are able to like me, because I am someone else but me. Even the "real" me feel exaggerated and obnoxious, just so someone can like me. and that still doesn't feel enough for me. Why all this trauma, this pain, this hurt. What did I do to deserve that?

No matter how happy i appear to be, how many times i smile and say im okay im still thinking of jumping. I can't stop thinking about jumping.