Venting I would like to live if life wasn't so exhausting

[sleeplessboyinbed]

There's a few things that i enjoy doing in this life, and they make me wish i could actually live. When i do them, i forget all my worries. It even makes me feel like life is decent. But this bliss can't last forever, when i get into the real world, death is all i can think about. I struggle with every aspect of my life and everything is a huge effort for me, im just constantly exhausted and only have the strength to do things like watching something or gaming. I hate myself so much for it. In January i was doing ok productivity wise. But it only lasted a month and now all days are one and i can barely get up from bed. Why can't i make myself do things? I hate my life. Im waiting for something bad to happen so i can ctb. Because my illogical want to live is ruining everything for me >:(