I wish people stayed

[ceserasera]

I wish I could tell people how much I actually don't want to push them away. I wish they persevered instead of listening to me. It's the fear speaking. The fear of getting hurt always overpowers the intense desire to form a connection.

From the outside it looks as if I despise people. I look like a bitter and angry individual. But it's the hurt, past and present, which just makes me repel people. That's not an excuse, but it's the only way to get through the day, by bulldozing my way through everyone and making clear I hate them all. But really I wish they'd stay. We don't have to talk I just want to be in the presence of others. It's the only time I'm not in my own head.

I'm not just angry, I'm really, really sad, all the time.

 

[warmsand]

I suffer from many of the same things, as well. Have you heard of schizoid personality disorder? Much of what you describe here fits the description.

The fear of getting hurt always overpowers the intense desire to form a connection.

Especially this. I've pushed people away because of this, only to become incredibly miserable afterwards because I'm lonely.

I wish I could tell people how much I actually don't want to push them away. I wish they persevered instead of listening to me.

I wish the exact same thing. Unfortunately, most people in this world are after simplicity and normalcy. I've come to realize no one will find that in someone with a mind like mine. Why would someone stay, really? To me, I'm not really worth all of the struggle required to stick around. So while I wish they would stay, I know it's for the better when they leave. I just wish I could leave myself along with them.

I am sad to hear that you are going through this. This, in my opinion, is one of most gut-wrenching and horrifically emotionally painful things that someone could go through.

 

[Danielwc]

We don't behave the way we do on purpose, part of our problem is that we alienate people. Pushing people away can often prove who is really with us and who is not. It takes a pretty enlightened individual to see past our behavior and show empathy, it's very easy to take it all personally. When you come back, and you will come back, remember who really gave a fuck. I get you would like somebody by your side but remember we are in this on our own. Nobody is coming to help us but you can perhaps help someone else in fut.

 

[man_in_red:)]

I would urge you to open up to more people and I know it seems impossible but what have you got to loose? I felt way better right away when I started opening up to others, they'll be way less judgmental than you think they will be.