Discussion I wish i'd ctb when I was happier...

[MeltingHeart]

I know that sounds like a strange and frankly illogical thing to say, but if id done it even a little sooner I might have been able to pass (away), whilst I still had some pleasant thoughts & fond memories, but since i had a huge breakdown- i am now so greatly emotionally distressed, disturbed even, that those feelings will now be the ones I feel in all of my final days, I can barely call to mind the good times I had, as they have been replaced by the bombardment of every bad/diificult time and memory I have ever had. I have cut my friends off entirely as I didnt see the point in seeing them as I was going to ctb (have tried many times)...the memory of them is fading...as I am sure is the same of me to them-and they all meant so much to me-in lieu of having no real family. I have total anhedonia so there is nothing I can enjoy even prior to ctb. I wish id done it earlier, to be able to have 'gone out' on an even slightly higher note...but I guess I didnt feel like ctb before...so as I said...this thought really makes no logical sense...just todays ramblings from the dark side of my mind...

 

[trynacbt]

I can totally relate. I really wish I had found SS before my mother had ctb'd. I keep thinking that if I had just gotten the job done before returning to my parents' home, maybe she would still be alive today. It eats at me from the inside.

 

[SerenitySeeker]

I can relate to what you're saying as I wish I had done the same. I attribute me not having gave it a "real" serious effort before to two things, hope (what I know now was really me operating under false hope) that if I kept moving forward things would get better and having operated in a state of high functioning depression for so long, it's as if consciously I knew I would have to have an out one day BUT I was so use to living the way that I had been for so long I didn't recognize or acknowledge things were way worse than ever before until it was too late. I always wish that I was someone who would've called it quits way earlier vs trying to persevere through.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I can totally relate. I really wish I had found SS before my mother had ctb'd. I keep thinking that if I had just gotten the job done before returning to my parents' home, maybe she would still be alive today. It eats at me from the inside.

im so sorry about yr mother, but why would she still be alive if u had ctb?! im sure she had so many reasons she did it, pls dont blame yourself! i have no doubt that there was nothing you could have done differently to prevent it. Some times people just make that choice & as you have seen on here-the reasons are, complex,unique and not always one single thing- but many reasons that all combine to make them feel that way.

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

I have feelings with a similar theme: like, I want to ctb before my life becomes entirely untenable, uncomfortable, and miserable. Because I don't want to die with my last days being mired in misery.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I have feelings with a similar theme: like, I want to ctb before my life becomes entirely untenable, uncomfortable, and miserable. Because I don't want to die with my last days being mired in misery.

do you have physical pain/ reasons to ctb? Just that I can imagine a lot of people feel the same way- just as I have read about Exit members getting everything "ready" before hand / in advance kind of thing.

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

do you have physical pain/ reasons to ctb?

Yes: mental illness, increasing poverty, and social isolation. I'm a middle aged man in America, so the prognosis for any of these conditions improving is not good at this point. I've been trying for over 15 years.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Yes: mental illness, increasing poverty, and social isolation. I'm a middle aged man in America, so the prognosis for any of these conditions improving is not good at this point. I've been trying for over 15 years.

Im sorry to hear that. I've never been to states! Not totally the same - but I have kind of existed in a state of virtual poverty since my teens- making life V. tough as you can imagine, I wasnt socially isolated before but have made myself now- as I can't really see people due to the severity of my depression. That's why I wish I'd done it before- had a nice night out with friends & then that would be my last memory kind of thing. Now I've cut them off for months...it's because I thought I would be gone by now...but I'm still here...but that's another story...

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

Im sorry to hear that.

Thank you You're very kind.

I have kind of existed in a state of virtual poverty since my teens- making life V. tough as you can imagine, I wasnt socially isolated before but have made myself now- as I can't really see people due to the severity of my depression.

Poverty experienced from such a young age really can have an adverse, life-long effect on a person because it can be so entirely taxing on a person's psyche - I'm sorry you had to live through that so early in life.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Thank you You're very kind.


Poverty experienced from such a young age really can have an adverse, life-long effect on a person because it can be so entirely taxing on a person's psyche - I'm sorry you had to live through that so early in life.

It totally drained the life out of me..it made everything so so difficult ya know...had parents with money too, that were doing ok, but I was just irrelevant to their world, fuck it, c'est la vie... such is the story of my life...sounds vain (self indulgent/ pitying?) but would make a damn good - all be it tragic documentary.

 

[trynacbt]

im so sorry about yr mother, but why would she still be alive if u had ctb?! im sure she had so many reasons she did it, pls dont blame yourself! i have no doubt that there was nothing you could have done differently to prevent it. Some times people just make that choice & as you have seen on here-the reasons are, complex,unique and not always one single thing- but many reasons that all combine to make them feel that way.

Thank you... I very much understand that reasons can be complex, but I feel the pressure I put my mother under by returning home in an intense depressive episode really pushed her over the edge. I believe that had I avoided it, she could've continued to live. Maybe she would have ctb'd eventually anyway, but I feel I was very much the trigger for those particular circumstances. The last five months continue to haunt me, and I can't wait to leave them behind soon.

 

[SerenitySeeker]

Thank you... I very much understand that reasons can be complex, but I feel the pressure I put my mother under by returning home in an intense depressive episode really pushed her over the edge. I believe that had I avoided it, she could've continued to live. Maybe she would have ctb'd eventually anyway, but I feel I was very much the trigger for those particular circumstances. The last five months continue to haunt me, and I can't wait to leave them behind soon.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that being on your conscious so heavy. I know looking at things in hindsight from a logical standpoint but feeling it from an emotional standpoint can be daunting in and of itself, plus adding depression in the mix makes it a whole other beast. I still want to say to you that it's not your fault. That's a heavy burden to carry and I'm sure your mom wouldn't want you to feel that way.

 

[Not_Quite_Dead_Yet]

I know that sounds like a strange and frankly illogical thing to say, but if id done it even a little sooner I might have been able to pass (away), whilst I still had some pleasant thoughts & fond memories, but since i had a huge breakdown- i am now so greatly emotionally distressed, disturbed even, that those feelings will now be the ones I feel in all of my final days, I can barely call to mind the good times I had, as they have been replaced by the bombardment of every bad/diificult time and memory I have ever had. I have cut my friends off entirely as I didnt see the point in seeing them as I was going to ctb (have tried many times)...the memory of them is fading...as I am sure is the same of me to them-and they all meant so much to me-in lieu of having no real family. I have total anhedonia so there is nothing I can enjoy even prior to ctb. I wish id done it earlier, to be able to have 'gone out' on an even slightly higher note...but I guess I didnt feel like ctb before...so as I said...this thought really makes no logical sense...just todays ramblings from the dark side of my mind...

It makes sense to me and I can really relate to the anhedonia. And when I do recall a memory of happier times, it only seems to make me feel worse...comparing then to now. I do get where you are coming from and am sorry to read about your breakdown. That can be a game-changer, for sure.

 

[MeltingHeart]

It makes sense to me and I can really relate to the anhedonia. And when I do recall a memory of happier times, it only seems to make me feel worse...comparing then to now. I do get where you are coming from and am sorry to read about your breakdown. That can be a game-changer, for sure.

Yes same! when I think of happier times or do anything that I did previously enjoy - it makes me feel so much worse! That the horrible problem of my predicament

 

[lostchild]

I think I have had similar feelings to it...

Around 2 years ago I found my first friends, and I was "happy" for what felt like a long time since I was having such fun every day with them, compared to the lonely life I always had before them

And I remember being so happy that I wished I would die! I still planned to die of suicide back then but I was thinking, oh I just want to do it now so I die happy and surrounded by loved ones.

 

[noctiva]

I just loved every post in this thread, reading your statements breaks my heart. I'm sorry you are experiencing this pain. When I think of what I've lost, I get so empty, so devoid of any drive to do anything, even CtB seems impossible, I can just sit there and feel utterly numb and destroyed.
There's nothing I enjoy doing anymore, nowhere I like to go. I see no point in getting up in the morning, nor is there a point to be alive in bed. I've lost my family and my friends, so I know that I will die alone, I will not be found until my neighbors complain of smell, or the bank complains due to lack of money (which will be before the neighbor's will notice, I'm very broke). I've tried to fight my way though life, because I thought there was a point to it, if you fight and persevere you will reap the benefits. That was a completely naive and downright moronic belief. I should have given up years ago. I actually should have given up before I found happiness. Knowing what I've lost is worse than anything.
Love to you all, be kind to yourselves.

 

[trynacbt]

I'm so sorry for your loss and that being on your conscious so heavy. I know looking at things in hindsight from a logical standpoint but feeling it from an emotional standpoint can be daunting in and of itself, plus adding depression in the mix makes it a whole other beast. I still want to say to you that it's not your fault. That's a heavy burden to carry and I'm sure your mom wouldn't want you to feel that way.

I really appreciate that. You're right that my mother wouldn't want me to feel that way. I know that ultimately, she wasn't thinking about me or her family members; she wasn't even thinking about herself, really. She was only thinking about her pain, and how to escape it.