Venting i wish i was terminally/chronically ill

[encore]

(please don't take this post as me trying to romanticize disability or chronic illness! this is simply my feelings and a vent that has nothing to do with how complex these things are in reality).

i hate pain, but today my friend told me about the girl he knows who has a chronic medical condition that makes her suffer daily. the way he talked about her and how he said her "mood swings" were justified by it made me feel so, so jealous.

i wish i had this kind of illness. i wish people could see the scars or burns on my skin, or see me agonizing in pain and feel like my suffering is finally justified and valid. that it's really that serious. they know i'm suicidal, but i don't really talk much about it because i understand it gets annoying when my life is just fine and my physical symptoms are few… maybe if my disorder was more "outwardly", they would show more care and sympathy for me.

that's the only time my own parents took me seriously anyway. only when they could see the physical impact or when another adult told them i was in pain

 

[DivineSpark]

Lots of illnesses makes you suffer like hell. I wish I would die in my sleep with no pain or struggle.

 

[ylenol]

average self harm pipeline

 

[Crematoryy]

You don't want a chronic illness to die early, but to be accepted as someone in a state of "extreme suffering." The reason this hasn't happened is because no one accesses your mind directly, and doesn't know what you feel. Your pain is real, as real as having both your arms amputated.

 

[divinemistress36]

I wish I was terminally ill cause then I could get Euthansia

 

[NonEssential]

At least for them it's very easy to explain their pain. I don't think I can put into simple words as to why I feel the way I do.

 

[aiyuxhan]

I have chronic illnesses and chronic pain 24/7. It is not fun at all. And are the reasons why I'm on this site.

Please don't wish that upon yourself. :( When you're chronically ill, it's like your body is a prison and a torture chamber for the rest of your life without you dying. :/

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

As someone that's helping care for my sister with stage 4 cancer, I would absolutely not want to go through that. Invasive medical procedures, humiliating symptoms, immense pain even with meds, at the mercy of others for care, not wanting to live but still scared to die. There's a few cancers where a person only gets symptoms at a late stage before diagnosis and go's straight to hospice and dies within months. For many it's a painful process and yet SI remains strong even under those conditions preventing what you imagine would be an easy decision to ctb.

 

[Worndown]

It is not like you get diagnosed then go home and die. It could be 5 years of unpleasant decline until you pass.
I appreciate the desire for an unchangable end, but this should not be envied.

 

[TheSeeker]

"I have spent my whole life scared - frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen. Fifty years I spent like that. Finding myself awake at three in the morning. But you know what? Ever since my diagnosis, I sleep just fine." -Walter White

 

[Kta1994]

I have chronic illnesses and chronic pain 24/7. It is not fun at all. And are the reasons why I'm on this site.

Please don't wish that upon yourself. :( When you're chronically ill, it's like your body is a prison and a torture chamber for the rest of your life without you dying. :/

Me too, I have chronic pain on average 7/10 daily, there are not words to how it has robbed me so much of my life and soul, to know how terribly a body can suffer without death being on its way. I don't wish this on anyone

 

[F@#$]

I've had cancer twice. Ignorantly treated it both times. I think it's back, not squandering this opportunity again.

 

[ididnotconsent]

I wish I was terminally ill cause then I could get Euthansia

Yeah some aggressive stage 4 cancer diagnosis with no chance of medical intervention. Book a trip to Switzerland. Wham Bam.

Bonus points family wouldn't be as upset.

 

[aiyuxhan]

Me too, I have chronic pain on average 7/10 daily, there are not words to how it has robbed me so much of my life and soul, to know how terribly a body can suffer without death being on its way. I don't wish this on anyone

Exactly how I feel. I have several causes of of pain. I also do t wish this on anyone

 

[dead-orchids]

I have chronic illness/pain, and in my experience, people love to invalidate both my mental health struggles and my chronic pain. Unless it's something "visible" or something they understand, they don't believe my pain or try to tell me what I'm feeling. I often wish i was terminal so I could qualify for euthanasia or people would understand my wanting to ctb.

 

[aiyuxhan]

I have chronic illness/pain, and in my experience, people love to invalidate both my mental health struggles and my chronic pain. Unless it's something "visible" or something they understand, they don't believe my pain or try to tell me what I'm feeling. I often wish i was terminal so I could qualify for euthanasia or people would understand my wanting to ctb.

I feel the same way. My chronic issues have made me isolate from people because they sonf understand

 

[gothbird]

You're speaking to something painfully common: how invisible suffering gets dismissed, while visible pain gets validated. And that's not your fault. It's a failure of how we're taught to recognise care.

As someone who is chronically ill, let me say this: it's not wrong to want your pain to be seen. It's not selfish or attention seeking to wish that the suffering you're already carrying could be witnessed, could matter to someone. We all want our experience to register, to mean something to the people who say they love us. And when that doesn't happen—when you're punished with silence or dismissed because you're "fine on paper"—it carves a hole in you that nothing else quite fills.

I used to think if I looked worse, if I collapsed more often or fell in public or turned grey from the effort of pretending, then people would finally believe it. The truth is, though, even when illness becomes visible, the empathy can still be conditional. You're right—people often don't respond until something becomes undeniable. But you shouldn't have to break just to be believed.

On a personal note, I think about MAID all the time. I don't qualify technically. Because my body won't kill me. It'll just drag me, year after year, through agony, fatigue, suffering, and the slow erosion of everything that made me feel like a person. But it's not fatal my illness. Not on paper. So I don't get access to peace. Funnily enough, they nicknamed it the "suicide illness" I got told from other people I've met with it.
And the worst part? My dad. He'll be greeted by flashing lights and officers with polite voices and forms to fill out. And I hate that. I hate that the world has made it so my leaving cannot be on my terms. I wish I could die next to him with his hand in mine.

So yeah. I get the jealousy. I really do. And I'm sorry we are in a world where visibility equals validity. You shouldn't have to be dying loudly to be believed. But here we are.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Those of us with chronic illness/pain are routinely not believed either, especially when we are women. Many people go years without even a diagnosis and others are cut off from their needed pain medication because they're assumed to be "addicts."

Most people around you wouldn't care about your physical pain any more than they care about your emotional pain. You have nothing to be jealous of.