shcizoseraphima
Member
- Jan 1, 2026
- 17
this is my first ever thread, i´ve never even used a forum before in my life, so i apologize in advance if i do something wrong.
there are no words i can possibly use to expain how profound my sadness and loneliness is... most of my ´´friends´´, dont really care about my death wish, nor the severity of it. i have one really good friend, but he lives across the Atlantic, and even he doesnt understand me that well... i just crave for understanding, for somebody to hold my hand and tell me they get me. My ´fiance´, idk if I should even call him that, acts heavenly towards me for a day or two, sometimes even a whole week, and then his behavior towards me changes with 180 degrees, making me feel like i dont matter, like at all... he acts really nice to me when im able to pay for stuff, give him things, etc. yknow, he´s like the only thing i have in my life, he´s the sun in my life, my everything, but he knows exactly what to say or do to emotionally punish me greatly, and it hurts so bad sometimes... he refuses to really read into schizophrenia, so he can atleast understand certain behavior from me, but tells me i hurt him with my behavior while i genuinely cant help it or understand what i do wrong... idk anymore, im sorry if this is the wrong place to vent about this, but i have absolutely nobody irl and its killing me, i cant wait until i can buy a rope and just end it all, im so looking forward towards it and my fiance just wishes me good luck... i wish i didnt have the ability to love, i try so hard every day to care for the people who absolutely destroy me emotionally and mentally, bc i understand why they behave like that, and i know what it´s like to just have nothing... i grew up extremely poor, with almost no love or care from my parents. i was neglected as child to such an extent that i learned how to use a microwave when i was 19. i just want a friend so bad, so bad, just one person who genuinely cares about me... i ask God so often, why me? finding this forum has helped me so much, finally a place with like-minded people, im grateful for that.
there are no words i can possibly use to expain how profound my sadness and loneliness is... most of my ´´friends´´, dont really care about my death wish, nor the severity of it. i have one really good friend, but he lives across the Atlantic, and even he doesnt understand me that well... i just crave for understanding, for somebody to hold my hand and tell me they get me. My ´fiance´, idk if I should even call him that, acts heavenly towards me for a day or two, sometimes even a whole week, and then his behavior towards me changes with 180 degrees, making me feel like i dont matter, like at all... he acts really nice to me when im able to pay for stuff, give him things, etc. yknow, he´s like the only thing i have in my life, he´s the sun in my life, my everything, but he knows exactly what to say or do to emotionally punish me greatly, and it hurts so bad sometimes... he refuses to really read into schizophrenia, so he can atleast understand certain behavior from me, but tells me i hurt him with my behavior while i genuinely cant help it or understand what i do wrong... idk anymore, im sorry if this is the wrong place to vent about this, but i have absolutely nobody irl and its killing me, i cant wait until i can buy a rope and just end it all, im so looking forward towards it and my fiance just wishes me good luck... i wish i didnt have the ability to love, i try so hard every day to care for the people who absolutely destroy me emotionally and mentally, bc i understand why they behave like that, and i know what it´s like to just have nothing... i grew up extremely poor, with almost no love or care from my parents. i was neglected as child to such an extent that i learned how to use a microwave when i was 19. i just want a friend so bad, so bad, just one person who genuinely cares about me... i ask God so often, why me? finding this forum has helped me so much, finally a place with like-minded people, im grateful for that.
