Venting I wish I could at least dissociate from reality

[spacefreightergirl]

First post? I have a lot of things in my mind and too much to be sad about but I guess this is what is bothering me the most right now.

To be fair, I have lived most of my life inside my bed. For a really long time I felt bad for it, like a little bit of a loser, but lately I've been thinking why is it even bad? If I like the world inside my head why should anyone stop me? The problem now is that apparently everyone in my life wants me to get it fixed. Not only that but I'm becoming too broke to just stay inside daydreaming as much as I want to. I've been thinking of CTB the last few months, sometimes it's an urge that I can barely control (tbh I just haven't tried because I don't have any method available) but today I'm just thinking about it because I wish I could have some peace. I feel like the few people around me are each mauling one of my limbs and telling me it's for the better, and I understand why they feel that way but I wish it could stop. If it was up to me I'd probably rot in bed high out of my mind for days and weeks until my body catches up to the lack of life in my head, but I'm not in a position to just do what I want. There have been days where I've felt numb and those were honestly the best – now I just feel sad and lonely.

Even when I felt numb it was a little infuriating that my roommate seemed to completely misunderstand my lack of feelings and reactions (I didn't share much but he does know about my depression). I don't even want to start with my family.

Point being, I wish I had enough drugs to forget I'm alive, but I can't really afford that. I would drown my thoughts with movies but I can't even focus on them, half the time lately I don't even care enough to force myself.

 

[chudpolonais]

welcome to SaSu! i can relate to this so much, i spend all day every day rotting in my bed while thinking about how and when am i going to CTB. the few people that bother to be around me either, as you put it, maul my limbs while saying it's for my own good, or tell me to hang out with friends and focus on work while actually having friends to hang out with and a stable source of income to commit to. the last time i felt genuine joy was when i was 13 and the closest i've ever been to that since then was with SH and the cheapest spirits.