i will never be satisfied

[awaitinglove]

long story short, it seems like nothing is ever enough for me. i will never be happy because i ALWAYS find a reason to be unhappy. i mean i lie to myself and others constantly about being the "ideal" perfect person (aka not wanting to ctb over what others view as minor inconveniences but to me it means everything) yet behind closed doors i'm the complete opposite. i just lie hoping that one day i WILL change but i don't and i never will. i just can't wait to find a perfect time to take the sn i have. i have an idea of how I want to go out but I need to have solid plans before i waste my sn on a failed attempt lol. anyways, yeahhh i'm just here to rant because i hate having to act like everything is okay when it's not. But, I can't act like everything is not okay around others because they don't get it and they don't understand how it feels to want to CTB.
Also, this is the most mentally stable I've been in YEARSSSSS yet i'm drinking straight gin at 7am haha