tyasma
Member
- Oct 14, 2022
- 33
When I was in complete apathy in my life after a long period of deep depression, I was empty inside but still went with the motions. "Maybe I'll just do whataver... study whataver... get a job in... whatever thing comes to me and just live alone in a small apartment in a big city. Until I don't want to do anything anymore."
It was only when I *thought* things were better, when I *thought* I had a legit chance at proper, decent happiness (any kind of social support and friends), that everything went to shit. I think I was starved for these things, since I never had any before then. I thought it'd fix me, and I'd finally live a "real life" in the world, instead of being a sad loner without any family, connections and full of anger and trauma.
Now that I "failed", I find myself in an even worse state that I was initially in (before the apathy). The anger, the paranoia, being suicidal to hell, hating everyone and everything in this reality. But then I remembered... It was like this once before, and I had some """peace""" when I finally """accepted""" all of it and went numb. I no longer felt anything, just accepted death and all my "desires" were gone. I do not know how much time I would last in this state again nowadays, or if it would work, but I think I am going to try and force myself into it because otherwise I will CTB and if I'm being honest I don't really want to. I want to... do something. I don't.. really know. If I can't be content... or happy.. maybe I can just ignore everything. Everyone. Work with the motions, mechanically. Be inside myself and just waste my lone time with various copes (food, videogames, travelling... I appreciate them more when I'm numb anyways, instead of constantly trying to put my life together and failing miserably each time leading to more and more anger and disappointment).
I don't really know why I decided to post this here OR IF I'M EVEN MAKING SENSE but thanks for listening. It isn't inherently sui so maybe the recovery sub would be better but I'm not really sure this is a good way to live either. Because at the end of the day it's between choosing to be nothing (apathy) or become nothing (CTB).
Post your thoughts and/or experiences with anything remotely similar if you want, I'd like to listen to some of you. It's one of the only places some of us can share these kind of things anyway, so..
It was only when I *thought* things were better, when I *thought* I had a legit chance at proper, decent happiness (any kind of social support and friends), that everything went to shit. I think I was starved for these things, since I never had any before then. I thought it'd fix me, and I'd finally live a "real life" in the world, instead of being a sad loner without any family, connections and full of anger and trauma.
Now that I "failed", I find myself in an even worse state that I was initially in (before the apathy). The anger, the paranoia, being suicidal to hell, hating everyone and everything in this reality. But then I remembered... It was like this once before, and I had some """peace""" when I finally """accepted""" all of it and went numb. I no longer felt anything, just accepted death and all my "desires" were gone. I do not know how much time I would last in this state again nowadays, or if it would work, but I think I am going to try and force myself into it because otherwise I will CTB and if I'm being honest I don't really want to. I want to... do something. I don't.. really know. If I can't be content... or happy.. maybe I can just ignore everything. Everyone. Work with the motions, mechanically. Be inside myself and just waste my lone time with various copes (food, videogames, travelling... I appreciate them more when I'm numb anyways, instead of constantly trying to put my life together and failing miserably each time leading to more and more anger and disappointment).
I don't really know why I decided to post this here OR IF I'M EVEN MAKING SENSE but thanks for listening. It isn't inherently sui so maybe the recovery sub would be better but I'm not really sure this is a good way to live either. Because at the end of the day it's between choosing to be nothing (apathy) or become nothing (CTB).
Post your thoughts and/or experiences with anything remotely similar if you want, I'd like to listen to some of you. It's one of the only places some of us can share these kind of things anyway, so..
