I Want to Live

[Ta555]

I'm sorry you went through all that OP :( I took amitriptyline for two weeks a few months ago and I swear I'm still having some sort of withdrawal. It's such an evil drug. Or can be. How long were you taking the benzos for if I may ask?

 

[Samsal112]

I had Covid and was going through cold turkey benzo withdrawal at the exact same time, due to a doctor's idiotic advice. I suffered so badly and continue to suffer but my life is so horrible I've started the benzos again just to keep me from distress. I'm so afraid of becoming addicted again. They are not prescribed to me, but bought from the black market. I am absolutely fucked. Also just had to walk out on my boyfriend, who I love dearly, tonight, because he treats me like absolute shit sometimes and I've had enough. I'll be popping benzos to cope for the foreseeable. If anyone going through similar would like to support each other I'd be happy to PM. So tired of nobody understanding this shit.

I am so sorry to hear that you are back on benzos. You have to be the strongest person I have ever met to through Covid AND benzo withdrawal! Be careful with black market benzos because they are often made with other stuff...of course that could also lead to ctb which is what we're all after. I would really like to have someone to PM through all this, but I am new member and I am not sure if I have access to that yet.

Now that you are back on benzos, did your withdrawals stop? My body and mind have never been the same.

I'm sorry you went through all that OP :( I took amitriptyline for two weeks a few months ago and I swear I'm still having some sort of withdrawal. It's such an evil drug. Or can be. How long were you taking the benzos for if I may ask?

I had only been on benzos 8 months; it's so crazy the damage it has done. I originally sought a therapist to help with some childhood trauma and anxiety I was experiencing with working full time as an 8th grade teacher and getting a PhD. For some crazy reason, she thought I was bi polar and urged me to see a psych. She insisted. I finally saw the psych and after being told I was safe, he prescribed me Lamotrigine and Buspar. I got really sick and cut myself off the drugs which led to horrific withdrawal. To help sleep, he prescribed Ambien. The longer I was sick, the more pills I was prescribed because the doctors insisted I was experiencing a psychotic break of some sort. I was on Xanax and a heavy duty sleeping drug called Seroquel. The only thing that relieved the pain was Ambien. By 8 months, I was taking up to a 100 mg. I realized I was addicted, and the doctor basically said, "I can't help. I have no experience pulling people off benzos." It took me three tries before I could stop. I have been benzo free and alcohol free for a little over 2 years.

 

[Tomino'sNightengale]

I am new here and just wanted to meet everyone and see where everyone is coming from. The hardest part about wanting to ctb is that I actually want to LIVE. I would give anything to be able to live life and enjoy it. I know that life is beautiful but I am in a situation where I can not appreciate or feel life. I have a chronic illness that leaves me exhausted, in pain, brain fogged, and just miserable day in and day out. I spend my weekends in bed watching mindless tv or reading, and during the week, I work and come home just to watch more tv. I cannot imagine living like this until I am old and although my illness isn't terminal, I can see and feel my body deteriorating. I feel so jealous of people who are able to live life and experience all it has to offer; I am not sure if anyone else feels that way. My illness does not allow me to drink alcohol, caffeine, or take benzos (since these started my illness) and I am restricted to a bland diet. I used to be a caffeine junkie, so living life without caffeine just doesn't seem worth it.

I understand what you mean about not being able to enjoy anything. Lately, my life has felt just so meaningless. Nothing makes me happy. Things that used to bring me joy just don't anymore. What is the meaning of life? There isn't one. We're just here to experience pain and suffering, and then you die. I was a stranger to happiness most of my life, and I don't know if I can go on living a meaningless life, because why? It's hard to CTB because you have to go against every fiber of your being in order to do it.