I want to live as close to "dead" as possible

[rokonie]

I wonder if I'm alone feeling this way. My SI is too great, im scared of pain, so i know i'll probably never be able to ctb. So I want to live as if I were dead if that makes sense?

No human contact, no stepping outside my house, no responsibilities. Ik this isn't possible because I need money and necessities, so I guess the only human interaction i'd do is whatever is necessary at work and shopping, but i'll go home immediately after it's over and i will make sure i don't let any coworkers get close to me. I don't want any friends or family to bother talking to,, it's too much energy to maintain relationships. I do feel lonely a lot but every attempt to socialize and meet new people has left me feeling more drained and questioning whether it's worth it. I just can't connect with people and i think i'd be better off if i just isolated complately and found peace being alone. I want to shut myself away from the outside world as much as possible and be almost like a ghost I guess,, just be a passing face in the background of people's lives but never really percieved nor remembered by anyone.

If i'm stuck on this planet, why not get learn to love it? Well I think a big part of recovery for me entails letting other people into my life and embracing myself. And tbh that's a lot of work (humans suck and i suck) that i dont think i want to do.

 

[tdos52]

lived like this for a couple months, its nice to not have to worry about people but loneliness destroys you, i live with my ex rn but were rly close and being around him helps with loneliness, meeting people is awful though, ive known him since high school and haven't made a good friend since high school, wish u the best, also nice pfp victini is my favorite pokemon :^)

 

[rokonie]

lived like this for a couple months, its nice to not have to worry about people but loneliness destroys you, i live with my ex rn but were rly close and being around him helps with loneliness, meeting people is awful though, ive known him since high school and haven't made a good friend since high school, wish u the best, also nice pfp victini is my favorite pokemon :^)

Oh yeah no doubt the loneliness sucks I've alr stopped talking to friends a few yrs ago (beyond required work interactions, even then it's a desk job with minimal talking) and places like SS are the only chats im active in atm. I feel so empty not talking to anyone, but i feel worse when i do try to socialize. Whenever i've tried to hang out with people in the past, the urge to isolate gets even stronger because i just don't enjoy it for whatever reason. Maybe im a bitter person who gets upset when i see other ppl getting along so well with each other or having rich social circles. So yea i wouldn't be happy being alone, but i think it would be less mentally draining than being trapped in an endless cycle of trying to connect with others and realizing that i can't :/

 

[tdos52]

Oh yeah no doubt the loneliness sucks I've alr stopped talking to friends a few yrs ago (beyond required work interactions, even then it's a desk job with minimal talking) and places like SS are the only chats im active in atm. I feel so empty not talking to anyone, but i feel worse when i do try to socialize. Whenever i've tried to hang out with people in the past, the urge to isolate gets even stronger because i just don't enjoy it for whatever reason. Maybe im a bitter person who gets upset when i see other ppl getting along so well with each other or having rich social circles. So yea i wouldn't be happy being alone, but i think it would be less mentally draining than being trapped in an endless cycle of trying to connect with others and realizing that i can't :/

i feel similar, it's awful and im sorry, no one deserves to feel like that, are you in therapy? im not right now but i desperately want to be and keep fucking things up for myself, i think itd be good to at least have someone i can talk to anout things that would listen

 

[Hollowman]

I can't connect with people at all. I've tried and failed many times, I have no more trying in me. Work and home is all I do exept for visiting my mom. When she goes I'm out of here.

 

[FlufflesAway]

I lived in isolation for years. I'm pretty sure it's a torture method. If you can, please don't do it. You'll end up worse for it. Everything just gets harder. There's no special point you can pass that let's you finally CTB. Life just becomes even more a living hell.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are understandable, I understand feeling tired of suffering in this existence. But anyway best wishes.