Venting I want to be suicidal again

[MathConspiracy]

Ahh, I hate this feeling. A few weeks ago I was at my lowest, unable to do anything but to lie in my bed all day long. I had no qualms about suicide. Then I experienced about a week of pure pleasure, I lots of energy and I got plenty of art done. On Thursday I began to sink into nothingness again. But it comes gradually. The good week I had overwrote all the depression that had built up for months to encourage me to CTB.

I'm stuck in this state-in-between. Life doesn't feel like it's worth living but I still walk around, numb, disconnected but not necessarily desperate. My anhedonia is away and now I actually have some things I enjoy doing.

My soul wants to die but my brain fights back. I hate this state between depression and happiness. Someone I know has ADs, I'm starting to think that that person has put them in my food without me knowing. I want to die but I have no interest in taking action towards it.

I can only hope that my depression either goes away entirely or comes back bad enough to make me CTB. But I've screwed up my life during these bad phases so I hope for the latter.

 

[MathConspiracy]

Oh, and I wanted to add that I'm screwed. There's a party coming up and my outfit reveals my forearms. I usually don't cut in them but a few weeks ago I did. Covering the scars with a scarf would look too formal. What the fuck do I do? Should I just draw an top of them or something?

It really sucks when your scars are visible during a time you're not particularly suicidal.