Venting I want to be beaten to death.

[Norf I Guess]

The title is fairly self-explanatory, I want to be mutilated with blunt objects before being bludgeoned dead. I feel that leaving my body unrecognizable to how hideous it was before would be deserved, and a terrible person like myself deserves a painful death.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

The title is fairly self-explanatory, I want to be mutilated with blunt objects before being bludgeoned dead. I feel that leaving my body unrecognizable to how hideous it was before would be deserved, and a terrible person like myself deserves a painful death.

I've often had a weird BDSM fantasy about going through something similar and being killed lol.

 

[Asya]

I've often had a weird BDSM fantasy about going through something similar and being killed lol.

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[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

[Hidden content]

Yeah I have this weird connection between my suicidality and weird kinky things. It's kind of disturbing actually. I don't know, maybe it's my brain trying to redirect my thoughts to something less destructive. Who knows.

 

[Norf I Guess]

Yeah I have this weird connection between my suicidality and weird kinky things. It's kind of disturbing actually. I don't know, maybe it's my brain trying to redirect my thoughts to something less destructive. Who knows.

For me it went from "maybe caving my knees in and being a useless sub would be cute" to realizing I'll never be anyone's sub because I'm disgusting on both a visual and personal level, it'd be far more realistic to try and find someone that'll give me a painful, blunt end.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

For me it went from "maybe caving my knees in and being a useless sub would be cute" to realizing I'll never be anyone's sub because I'm disgusting on both a visual and personal level, it'd be far more realistic to try and find someone that'll give me a painful, blunt end.

Yea I feel that sometimes, too.

 

[jengablocks]

i think about being killed in a really violent, painful way sometimes. it's not self-loathing for me as much as, like, validation...?? extreme sensory input that "matches" the intensity of the internal happenings of my brain. my nerves screaming out at me, sending signals up through my spine that are meant to make me aware of danger proportional to the physical harm being done to me.

it hurts when you put your hand on a hot stove because an animal wouldn't move their hand away otherwise, and having their hand burnt away sort of impedes survival. evolution!

so it's like completing the "other half"... filling the hole? forming a whole, complete being? too much pain in my brain. why no pain from the nerves sprawling throughout my body?

not to diminish the self-loathing component of that if u do experience it, though!! i've done bad things to others but i think my own circumstances have limited the amount of serious harm i've been able to carry out. i think it's just a form of privilege. like, none of us have control over the circumstances of our births. people are born, and then their neurology and external circumstances determine what actions they take throughout their life.

maybe that's too pessimistically deterministic in phrasing, but it's basically the scientific method is what i mean. it's not nurture or nature, it's nurture that "activates" nature. people with a dsm-5 cluster b personality disorder almost always have accompanying trauma, but not everyone who experiences that trauma has the same genetics to facilitate the development of that disorder.

so, it's like, i don't think anyone can have good-or-evil ideas about morality applied to their very existence, it's just circumstances playing out.

but, obviously, that doesn't take away from the pain of actually contending with circumstances like that on an emotional level..!! so i thought it might be a similar experience--wanting to make the empty parts match the full parts