I want a new best friend

[Ahlam]

My only friend hates that I seriously get suicidal and is probably even bored of it. I want a new friend who understands it and can talk about it with me all night.

I can't die yet and I hate it.

No, I'm not in the mood to watch you build Lego sets right now. But instead I say "Wow, you finished it already?! That's amazing <3".

I'm aware it's my fault too, it's difficult to know when it's a good time for anything. I think, if I can have someone like me as a friend, it would solve the "We both have to equally give in this relationship" part.

I can't keep doing this to him.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

My only friend hates that I seriously get suicidal and is probably even bored of it. I want a new friend who understands it and can talk about it with me all night.

I can't die yet and I hate it.

No, I'm not in the mood to watch you build Lego sets right now. But instead I say "Wow, you finished it already?! That's amazing <3".

I'm aware it's my fault too, it's difficult to know when it's a good time for anything. I think, if I can have someone like me as a friend, it would solve the "We both have to equally give in this relationship" part.

I can't keep doing this to him.

It's good that you're able to self reflect and look inward like that

 

[Ahlam]

I told him I was deleting Discord and I did. He's asleep right now.

The cycle begins, the ritual never changes until I'm finally gone.

He's either going to call me on my phone or visit my house and won't leave until I come out to see him. I know that, so why do I keep doing things like this?
Am I hoping he does it like a "Are you still my friend?" test?
Is this my way of saying I want extra attention?
Am I really hoping he never talks to me again so I can allow myself to actually go through with it this time?

Am I insane?

 

[RiftbornVeil]

I told him I was deleting Discord and I did. He's asleep right now.

The cycle begins, the ritual never changes until I'm finally gone.

He's either going to call me on my phone or visit my house and won't leave until I come out to see him. I know that, so why do I keep doing things like this?
Am I hoping he does it like a "Are you still my friend?" test?
Is this my way of saying I want extra attention?
Am I really hoping he never talks to me again so I can allow myself to actually go through with it this time?

Am I insane?

Almost the same thing happened to me recently.

In my case, I didn't delete Discord, but I blocked him instead. I can relate to how you feel, and it's unfortunate that your friend couldn't discuss your suffering with you. Suicide is a very emotionally intense topic and not many are willing to tackle it.

You aren't insane at all, and I wish you the best.