moralfag
chronic suicidist
- Nov 5, 2025
- 38
I've never had an actual friend in my entire life. Nobody knows my favourite colour or my birthday or the movies I like or the songs I listen to.
When I was in elementary school I wanted a friend so bad I didn't find it weird when a high schooler wanted to get closer to me. He ended up raping me and ruining my life.
The "friends" I tried to make when I entered high school were awful. I could tell you their exact prescriptions, favourite food, birthday, all their life problems, etc. but I don't think a single one ever knew anything about me.
When I was hospitalized none of my "friends" even noticed. I never got asked once if I was okay, yet I was always the first person they went to if they had an issue.
When I got my first job I was always seen as the "happy" coworker who could be efficient at the job. When my coworkers needed help or accommodations for their disabilities (the job I worked hired disabled people and was a fairly easy job that gave accommodations when needed) it was given quickly, but when I even slightly hinted towards needing help it was always "you're the self sufficient one you don't need the help".
I remember getting told in school that I was the "easy" kid with good grades and no problems.
My classmate with ADHD was given countless accommodations and support and babied her whole life for having ADHD while it took me seven years of self-harm, two suicide attempts, a schizophrenia/bpd/ptsd diagnosis and two hospitalizations for the school to even acknowledge that i might have issues too. I never received any help in school and was instead yelled at by the teachers for going to the hospital because I "didn't need it".
I was very smart as a kid. (Not so much anymore, mental illness rotted away most of the intellectual parts of my brain) I placed top of my state for testing and would often score the highest score on tests for my school. Not once was I ever congratulated. Instead, my classmates with ADHD were given awards for "trying their best" (even if they failed) and put on a pedestal.
I tried so hard to get people to notice me. Did I do a lot of things for attention? Probably, yeah, but I just wanted someone to acknowledge that I was struggling.
When my classmate skipped school for a week because her brother yelled at her and she needed a "mental health vacation" she was told she was loved and that she did the right thing. She was supported in every way.
When I missed school for a few days because I was beaten so bad I couldn't walk properly I was yelled at and mocked for "being too lazy to come to school".
I just wanted somebody to notice me. I wanted help too.
I wanted somebody to know that my favourite colour was brown or that my birthday was October 16th or that I loved movies about World War One and 80s music.
It's hard to feel like a human being when everyone seems to know the rules of socializing and I don't.
Sorry for the ventpost. I hope you're doing okay and thank you for reading this even when you didn't have to. I love you anon
When I was in elementary school I wanted a friend so bad I didn't find it weird when a high schooler wanted to get closer to me. He ended up raping me and ruining my life.
The "friends" I tried to make when I entered high school were awful. I could tell you their exact prescriptions, favourite food, birthday, all their life problems, etc. but I don't think a single one ever knew anything about me.
When I was hospitalized none of my "friends" even noticed. I never got asked once if I was okay, yet I was always the first person they went to if they had an issue.
When I got my first job I was always seen as the "happy" coworker who could be efficient at the job. When my coworkers needed help or accommodations for their disabilities (the job I worked hired disabled people and was a fairly easy job that gave accommodations when needed) it was given quickly, but when I even slightly hinted towards needing help it was always "you're the self sufficient one you don't need the help".
I remember getting told in school that I was the "easy" kid with good grades and no problems.
My classmate with ADHD was given countless accommodations and support and babied her whole life for having ADHD while it took me seven years of self-harm, two suicide attempts, a schizophrenia/bpd/ptsd diagnosis and two hospitalizations for the school to even acknowledge that i might have issues too. I never received any help in school and was instead yelled at by the teachers for going to the hospital because I "didn't need it".
I was very smart as a kid. (Not so much anymore, mental illness rotted away most of the intellectual parts of my brain) I placed top of my state for testing and would often score the highest score on tests for my school. Not once was I ever congratulated. Instead, my classmates with ADHD were given awards for "trying their best" (even if they failed) and put on a pedestal.
I tried so hard to get people to notice me. Did I do a lot of things for attention? Probably, yeah, but I just wanted someone to acknowledge that I was struggling.
When my classmate skipped school for a week because her brother yelled at her and she needed a "mental health vacation" she was told she was loved and that she did the right thing. She was supported in every way.
When I missed school for a few days because I was beaten so bad I couldn't walk properly I was yelled at and mocked for "being too lazy to come to school".
I just wanted somebody to notice me. I wanted help too.
I wanted somebody to know that my favourite colour was brown or that my birthday was October 16th or that I loved movies about World War One and 80s music.
It's hard to feel like a human being when everyone seems to know the rules of socializing and I don't.
Sorry for the ventpost. I hope you're doing okay and thank you for reading this even when you didn't have to. I love you anon
