I just got a new job and I feel hopeful on what's to come in the future. I feel somewhat confident on being able to hold a job now that I'm medicated and seeing a therapist who does shit outside the box.
Today was my first day and holy hell I'm exhausted. I think I understand why "normal" people don't fixate on suicidal ideation. It's because they're too tired from working. Work has got me so exhausted that my brain cannot concentrate on anything. My brain is fried and the only thing my body wants to do is shut down. I can't even think about suicide because im so fried. I remember this feeling. This feeling is freeing yet physically taxing on my body. Either I don't work and my brain is fixated and stuck on suicide, thinking of a new way of suicide every second of the day -that's 86,400 ways of committing suicide- Or I do work and my brain cannot even comprehend what 1+1 is, let alone calculating 8-thousand + ways to die.
And before anything ask "whats normal?" "There is no such thing as normal" "I don't think of broken brains and healthy ones" Normalcy to me is not bring fixated with death, actually being able to enjoy life, enjoy the presence of family, friends and nature. Being able to take a breather from my chaotic brain and fucked up neurotransmitters. That's normalcy to me.
Today was my first day and holy hell I'm exhausted. I think I understand why "normal" people don't fixate on suicidal ideation. It's because they're too tired from working. Work has got me so exhausted that my brain cannot concentrate on anything. My brain is fried and the only thing my body wants to do is shut down. I can't even think about suicide because im so fried. I remember this feeling. This feeling is freeing yet physically taxing on my body. Either I don't work and my brain is fixated and stuck on suicide, thinking of a new way of suicide every second of the day -that's 86,400 ways of committing suicide- Or I do work and my brain cannot even comprehend what 1+1 is, let alone calculating 8-thousand + ways to die.
And before anything ask "whats normal?" "There is no such thing as normal" "I don't think of broken brains and healthy ones" Normalcy to me is not bring fixated with death, actually being able to enjoy life, enjoy the presence of family, friends and nature. Being able to take a breather from my chaotic brain and fucked up neurotransmitters. That's normalcy to me.
