I think people have a hard time understanding that I want to die

[burninghill]

It's hard to explain outside of this forum.
There are things I want to escape in death, but I also want to see myself dead.

People make the assumption that every suicidal person is the same and that none of us want to die, we just want to get out of whatever situation we're in (whether it's in our minds or an exterior circumstance), but I think a part of me genuinely just won't be satisfied until my body is dead.

Maybe this sounds disrespectful to people who are struggling more than me or some kind of 14 year olds diary entry, but I've always been intrigued by suicide and everything that leads up to it. It's really hard to explain but my brain just finds joy in the thought of killing itself, like how some people make themselves blind or amputate their own limbs because they have this belief that that's the way they're supposed to exist. I think I'm supposed to exist as someone who killed themselves.

I feel like if I die then I'll finally be the way I'm SUPPOSED to be, if that makes sense.

 

[Lemelonade]

I think I can relate.

For me, I'm convinced that I wanted to go back as soon as I was born. As a fresh baby, I cried almost nonstop for three months. Then, it seems I settled for people pleasing until that didn't work anymore. I have really tried to function in this world but have failed again and again.

The first time I thought about suicide was at 11 years old. I feel that the longing has always been a part of me and I that I'll be ready to give into it soon.

I've been fascinated by death and dying for a long time now. I'm really curious what comes after, and I believe that I belong there much more than here.