BlueLock
Member
- Nov 8, 2024
- 91
Hi, I'm currently in a pretty long depressive episode, and after a few days of painful thoughts I feel like I've come to terms with suicide being my only option. And I feel strangely calm about it. Usually I "attempt" suicide while my emotions are running wild, and even then it's rarely a true attempt. I tend to back out at the last second or sabotage myself so someone else notices and stops me. Now I don't. I don't even feel that sorry for myself. I simply feel like I'm doing the right thing, I finally, finally, feel like I'm serious about dying.
For some context I have BPD (This is very relevant and I'll explain further) and well no friends, and only one family member I feel close to, I'm also unemployed and I dropped out of college after my first year. All of this brings me some mix of shame, sadness and hopelessness. Which naturally makes me *want* to die. But having BPD makes me feel like I *have* to die. Having BPD is the most shameful and painful thing for me personally. More than feeling like failure and more than my shitty family. I very much resent having it. All the symptoms of it are so painful and embarrassing. I think about all the cringe worthy ways I acted, all the cringe worthy ways my mom and grandmother act (who both have BPD) and it makes me feel so mortified. Things like: treating strangers as if theyre close friends because theyre being nice and you have no sense of whats a normal way to relate to someone, jumping into relationships so quickly and deeply and subsequently ruining them by acting like the "bpd girlfriend" (aka being an emotional mess, and all around acting shitty to them when you feel triggered) until they break up with you, which leaves you as a complete emotional mess for months, being unable to be emotionally stable which makes having a long term job IMPOSSIBLE (I've never had a job where I didn't cry on the clock at some point) because minor things, things that normal people can deal with btw, will completely derail your emotional state to the point where you have to quit because you're suicidal, or you get fired for crying on the clock.
I try to avoid hurting people, something people with BPD are known to do, and I think I do a good job of it. I don't date, I isolate when I'm triggered so no one has to deal with it, I do not explode at people, however I'll never be like a normal person when it comes to others. I'll never be able to care about someone more than I care about my current emotional state. I'll never be a good friend because how I empathize with people is inherently self centered and sort of similar to the way a child might. That childishness is another thing inherent to BPD, I see it in myself and I see it in my mother, and if you go online and talk with people who have loved ones wit BPD they'll say the same. Of course they'll say a lot more than that too. I frequent subreddits like r/bpdlovedones and r/raisedbybpd just to remind myself of what we do to people. I don't post fyi and I rarely can tolerate lurking there for more than 20 minutes bc seeing people talk about their loved ones who have bpd, who hurt them, and being able to relate to the person theyre talking about... I mean that's awful right? My mom who has BPD abused me, and the way she acts, the way she goes through life... Its the same way I do. She passed down her BPD to me and I hate her for it. I know how it feels to be treated by someone with this disorder and I know how it feels to live with this disorder and both absolutely fucking suck.
They say you can treat BPD, that people can and do go into remission but I don't believe that's possible for me, even though I'm in the specialized BPD therapy (DBT) I don't think I'll ever be a normal person. Not even close. The patients who "succeed" are the highly motivated, high functioning type and even then..... it's a lifetime of careful symptom management and constantly being aware of and avoiding your triggers. I read this blog post from a woman who is in remission and she spoke about all the careful and almost ocd-like rules she has to live by in order to feel stable and it just sounded depressing. She even said she was bored to death with her strict routine and felt extremely unfulfilled in life. And she's a success case. Is that the ultimate life people with BPD can aim for? Maybe I'm thinking in a black and white way (ironically another BPD symptom) but it seems your options with BPD is to live a chaotic life where you hurt yourself and others or to work hard and achieve a carefully curated and boring life filled with repression.
I dislike both options. I can almost get behind the second one, I'm in treatment after all, and that life is "my" goal. But I'm just not the motivated type. Especially when the reward for working so hard is to achieve a life most people would find unbearable. But, I also don't want to live a chaotic life, I don't want to hurt people, I especially don't want to hurt people the same way I was hurt. And that dilemma is where I came to the conclusion that the best option is suicide.
What makes this time different from all the other times I felt hopeless and contemplated suicide is that I've finally come to terms with my situation. Even if I got everything else I wanted, I moved out, found someone who loves me, got my license, kept a job, I'll never be able to fill that emptiness inside me. I'll never be able to undo the trauma that happened to me, I'll never be able to cure my BPD, and I'll never live how other people do.
I've known this for a long time now. But for some reason its easier to think about and the thought of suicide causes me less pain than it used to. I feel ready to die, I feel like it's the right thing to do given my situation. I don't feel impulsive at all. I don't know when I'll do it but hopefully I'll be able to do it soon, maybe this Friday even. I have my method ready (ligature) and I've practiced the knots enough that I feel confident I could do it in a moments notice. I feel very calm about it. I feel ready.
For some context I have BPD (This is very relevant and I'll explain further) and well no friends, and only one family member I feel close to, I'm also unemployed and I dropped out of college after my first year. All of this brings me some mix of shame, sadness and hopelessness. Which naturally makes me *want* to die. But having BPD makes me feel like I *have* to die. Having BPD is the most shameful and painful thing for me personally. More than feeling like failure and more than my shitty family. I very much resent having it. All the symptoms of it are so painful and embarrassing. I think about all the cringe worthy ways I acted, all the cringe worthy ways my mom and grandmother act (who both have BPD) and it makes me feel so mortified. Things like: treating strangers as if theyre close friends because theyre being nice and you have no sense of whats a normal way to relate to someone, jumping into relationships so quickly and deeply and subsequently ruining them by acting like the "bpd girlfriend" (aka being an emotional mess, and all around acting shitty to them when you feel triggered) until they break up with you, which leaves you as a complete emotional mess for months, being unable to be emotionally stable which makes having a long term job IMPOSSIBLE (I've never had a job where I didn't cry on the clock at some point) because minor things, things that normal people can deal with btw, will completely derail your emotional state to the point where you have to quit because you're suicidal, or you get fired for crying on the clock.
I try to avoid hurting people, something people with BPD are known to do, and I think I do a good job of it. I don't date, I isolate when I'm triggered so no one has to deal with it, I do not explode at people, however I'll never be like a normal person when it comes to others. I'll never be able to care about someone more than I care about my current emotional state. I'll never be a good friend because how I empathize with people is inherently self centered and sort of similar to the way a child might. That childishness is another thing inherent to BPD, I see it in myself and I see it in my mother, and if you go online and talk with people who have loved ones wit BPD they'll say the same. Of course they'll say a lot more than that too. I frequent subreddits like r/bpdlovedones and r/raisedbybpd just to remind myself of what we do to people. I don't post fyi and I rarely can tolerate lurking there for more than 20 minutes bc seeing people talk about their loved ones who have bpd, who hurt them, and being able to relate to the person theyre talking about... I mean that's awful right? My mom who has BPD abused me, and the way she acts, the way she goes through life... Its the same way I do. She passed down her BPD to me and I hate her for it. I know how it feels to be treated by someone with this disorder and I know how it feels to live with this disorder and both absolutely fucking suck.
They say you can treat BPD, that people can and do go into remission but I don't believe that's possible for me, even though I'm in the specialized BPD therapy (DBT) I don't think I'll ever be a normal person. Not even close. The patients who "succeed" are the highly motivated, high functioning type and even then..... it's a lifetime of careful symptom management and constantly being aware of and avoiding your triggers. I read this blog post from a woman who is in remission and she spoke about all the careful and almost ocd-like rules she has to live by in order to feel stable and it just sounded depressing. She even said she was bored to death with her strict routine and felt extremely unfulfilled in life. And she's a success case. Is that the ultimate life people with BPD can aim for? Maybe I'm thinking in a black and white way (ironically another BPD symptom) but it seems your options with BPD is to live a chaotic life where you hurt yourself and others or to work hard and achieve a carefully curated and boring life filled with repression.
I dislike both options. I can almost get behind the second one, I'm in treatment after all, and that life is "my" goal. But I'm just not the motivated type. Especially when the reward for working so hard is to achieve a life most people would find unbearable. But, I also don't want to live a chaotic life, I don't want to hurt people, I especially don't want to hurt people the same way I was hurt. And that dilemma is where I came to the conclusion that the best option is suicide.
What makes this time different from all the other times I felt hopeless and contemplated suicide is that I've finally come to terms with my situation. Even if I got everything else I wanted, I moved out, found someone who loves me, got my license, kept a job, I'll never be able to fill that emptiness inside me. I'll never be able to undo the trauma that happened to me, I'll never be able to cure my BPD, and I'll never live how other people do.
I've known this for a long time now. But for some reason its easier to think about and the thought of suicide causes me less pain than it used to. I feel ready to die, I feel like it's the right thing to do given my situation. I don't feel impulsive at all. I don't know when I'll do it but hopefully I'll be able to do it soon, maybe this Friday even. I have my method ready (ligature) and I've practiced the knots enough that I feel confident I could do it in a moments notice. I feel very calm about it. I feel ready.
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