Venting i think im ready to catch my bus

[dospi1]

Hey C: maybe some of you can recognize, i come and go from here every 2 months or so. im not to active but i try to help where i can. but i think im finaly ready to catch my bus, once and for all. I truly dont got anymore fight inside me, every inch of my will is gone, ive lost. i would say i got my first real depresive episode like 8 years ago and its been a downard spiral since then, every time i try to get up i only get hammered into the ground once more. it some how hurts even more knowing ive gotten fair shot as anyone could ask, decent family, no major sickness, ok socio-economical status, my downfall can only be blamed to me, i wish i could tell where i went wrong but even after all this time thinking i still cant tell. but my conclusion there simply was never any good inside me i just kinda very pushed very hard and i started beliving so. inside is nothing but a cacoon of a man if beferore there was useless but harmless meat the void inside my chest took everything and left me only pain; its all my fault but i cant even tell what ive done wrong, im so useless. Yet somehow i wanted to live, i see outside and i see a wonderfull world so interesting and full of marvels, i nave wanted anything, just for the pain inside for me to stop, i wished for so many time i could shot a part of my brain and not feel anything. no one will ever love me, no will ever care for me, i dont belong anywhere; i just want the pain to stop. but it will never stop, last time i had a relapse i said to myself, once more and will take bus. Im so weak, if only i could brave the pain "tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troublesAnd by opposing end them" but i cant.; there is no nobility in my sufering for it will never end. i want every piece of me to disapear, to someone liquify by brain whit a blender and tro it out the sink. to hounds tare my flesh up until theres nothing left, i want every bone inside hammered to smitherins, not a single thing inside me is worth anything, not a bit. I will set out tommorrow to find SN anywhere i can find it in my city and if i cant ill hang myself somewhere in the woods. im sorry for my english im not a native speaker but i tried my best. thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this ill be replying to every coment

 

[jodes2]

I'm sorry you're leaving us so soon

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you have suffered a lot and your feelings of wanting to be gone from this world are understandable. It certainly can be tiring and awful feeling trapped in a life that is just endless pain. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.