i think im in the process of recovery? idk

[depressedguy68975]

so basically after my attempt (which was a few months ago), i was diagnosed with depressive disorder (r/o bipolar) and have started taking meds (ssri and mood stabiliser). for the longest time, nothing was happening. and i guess, even now i don't feel like it's done anything. but im no longer actively suicidal so im guessing it's probably working, idk. anyway, i still hate myself deeply and i am still very very depressed but also now it feels even more circumstantial? like when i think about the day i attempted, i feel like i was a bit crazy then (for lack of a better word). like yes, i had planned to do it one day, but that day it was kind of like "i can't do ts anymore" and i was extremely distressed. it's so weird, right? somehow even though for years, doing it was all i could think about (most of the time, especially when alone), but when i finally did it, it felt like i hadn't thought it through simultaneously. anyway, so i think my life is pretty fucked now because of the attempt. idk if ill be able to continue uni (like idk if the uni will let me, a lot of context omitted but yeah) and also i don't really think i can transfer with how bad my grades are. on top of this, im trans and im currently back in my home country where queer people are sentenced for 15 years if outed and also no chance of getting gender affirming care (even diy). and like it's crazy i think this is the first time in a while when im not actively suicidal but i feel like it would be easier if i still was.